Risque
by Moerae
Summary: DISCONTINUED. Life will never be the same again when both Kakashi and Jiraiya offer Sasuke unwanted advice on love, life... and peeping... future SasuNaru...
1. Priceless

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own Naruto or any of its characters. How depressing is that?

Something that cropped up when I was in between consciousness and dreamland. Plotless... as far as I'm concerned, and... general natter. Enjoy.

And many thanks to Shaq... who beta-ed this... thing... and yes... if I did own Naruto... there would be a lot of nudity and SasuNaru-ness... but that ain't happening anytime soon... so you'll just have to deal with Moe's scones.

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**Priceless**

"Sasuke," someone whispered his name.

He planted several more butterfly kisses on the smooth chest beneath him before looking up. Cornflower blue eyes stared at him in groggy need, mirroring his own. He rubbed the length of his body against his lover's and watched with quiet satisfaction as scarred cheeks turned upwards and a strangled moan escaped bruised lips. Slithering up, he captured the half-opened mouth with his own, hungrily swallowing the rest of the drawn out moan.

Delving his tongue into the warm, wet orifice, he swept his tongue over everything – memorising every taste and texture. His tongue rubbed and slipped by his lover's tongue, neither backing down from the battle for dominance. The burning in his chest grew as the kiss continued and he stubbornly held on, trying to out kiss the one underneath him.

With little choice, his lungs desperately wanted the much-needed oxygen, he broke the kiss and grounded his naked hips against the other's. He smirked against his lover's lips when a soft keening erupted from the loser's throat.

An accusing glare fixed itself on his lover's face, trying to burn a hole into his forehead. He allowed himself a smug smirk as he watched those heated eyes close when his hips moved again.

"Sasuke," his lover's voice a breathy whine. "You cheated."

===

Sasuke shot up from his bed, his white tank top and hair plastered uncomfortably to his skin. The sound of his harsh breaths puffed loudly in the room as he tried to get into grips with the situation. His normally sharp eyes were clouded with confusion. He ran a shaky hand through his sweat soaked hair, pulling at the handfuls of dark strands to help tug himself back into reality.

"What the hell was that?" he mumbled to the empty room.

He let his hand fall limply down into his lap and brushed against something hard. He groaned. The unwanted backwash of the dream swept over his mind, causing his stomach to curl and the lower regions of his body to stiffen further.

"Cold shower," he half-choked out, throwing back the covers and making a dash for the bathroom.

He ripped his clothes off, nearly tearing his boxers from his legs, and walked straight into the downpour of frigid water. As soon as he was completely in the shower, all he felt was the excruciating stabs sloshing all over him. He hissed in pain and quiet relief when the heat caused by the unwelcomed dream ebbed.

Trusting his body just a little more, now that all he felt was the numbing cold, he leaned his forehead against the cool glass and allowed his mind to think.

Why was he having those dreams? He scoffed at his own question. It was normal for a seventeen-year-old male to have _those_ kind of dreams, he knew, what with the raging hormones and everything. But it was _not _normal for a seventeen-year-old male to dream about other guys, right? Hell, it wasn't normal for anyone to dream of that moron in _that_ way period!

He pressed his forehead harder against the glass as another wave of images knocked a gasp out of him. The cold water no longer worked, and his lower extremities began to reharden.

Why was he getting turned on by him? _Him_ of all people! He let out another groan when his cock demanded his attention and screamed to be touched. Letting out a frustrated growl, he took his time in turning the hot water on, just to spite his body for betraying him. It seemed the cold water was useless in calming down his libido, and he blamed it entirely on his body.

He better not be turning into Kakashi, Sasuke thought. At that moment, he had the most horrifying image of himself, ten years into the future with a book that was similar to the Icha Icha Paradise held in his hand and a faint redness tainting his cheeks. He would rather slit his throat with a kunai before letting that happen. The Copy Ninja may be famous, and Sasuke was proud to be one of his students, but he didn't want to inherit the ninja's other attributes. The chidori was enough; he didn't need or want anything else. His encounter with Orochimaru had taught him _that_ particular lesson.

The warm water came splashing down, scolding his entire body and the quick change in temperature brought out a small yelp of pain. Damn, he cursed silently. First, he was having extremely disturbing dreams about the stupid annoying moron. Second, said dreams were turning him on, and third, he was becoming perverted and stupid.

He fought off the urge to touch himself for as long as possible, but when it became unbearably painful for his gritted teeth and clenched fists, he gave in. As soon as his hands came in contact with his erect flesh, he hissed in uneasy relief. Damn his treacherous body. Damn Naruto for his soft skin and pleasing mewls and... He shook his head. Going there would cause more problems.

While he silently satisfied his body's needs, he promised a certain blonde a very gruesome death, or at least a very good, very painful beating the next time Naruto was back in the village.

===

Training was, as always, uneventful. Very little took place when there was only Sasuke himself and Kakashi. Several years back (after Naruto and his gang of misfits had retrieved him from _that_ incident), it was decided it would be best if the members of Team Seven separated. In Sasuke's opinion, the Hokage only wanted to isolate him so that Kakashi could keep a better eye on him.

He had remained as Kakashi's student, while Sakura devoted most of her time learning to become a medic-nin under Shizune. And Naruto... Naruto disappeared shortly afterwards. Leaving behind a short message saying that he was going to travel with 'the pervert-senin' (as he so tactfully put it) to train and see the world. No one questioned the blonde. And Sasuke had to admit, even if it was only to himself, he did somewhat miss the hyperactive idiot.

Naruto by all means didn't just disappear for good. He would spend a period of between six months to a year away, but then would return and stay for several months before the whole cycle started again.

During the time the loud mouth was back, Sasuke would spend the better part of his training sessions sparring with Naruto. Sasuke had found himself looking forward to these sessions, and had also found himself conversing with the blonde more. It wasn't just throwing insults at each other; there were some discussions on where Naruto had been and what had been taking place while Naruto was away.

It was pleasant in a strange way; to be able to talk almost like they were friends. At least, Sakura had been trying to convince Sasuke that there was some semblance of friendship wafting around when he and Naruto interacted. He didn't say anything to disagree with the suggestion, but he also made no move to agree either. For all he was concerned with, Sakura could think what she wanted.

Leaping from branch to branch, away from the training grounds, he headed towards a more secluded part of the forest. The area by the river was where he usually trained when he was alone. He would always stay until the last rays of sunlight threatened to disappear over the horizon.

Sasuke neared his destination and froze. Quickly concealing his chakra and any other signs that would give away his presence, he perched on a leafy branch and peered down at the bobbing blonde head in the river.

When did he return? his mind screamed.

"Damn it, pervert-senin!" Naruto all but hollered. "Why the hell did you throw me in the river?!" The slowly emerging teen asked in outrage.

Sasuke's gaze flickered to the spiky white hair now coming into view.

"Because, brat," Jiraiya shouted back. "You stink!"

"What?!"

Sasuke cringed. Naruto could be so loud when he wanted to. He watched in quiet amusement when Naruto stood up fully, water coming just below his waist, and sniffed at his waterlogged clothes and armpits.

"Pervert-senin, I don't stink!"

There was a snort and Jiraiya's voice came again. "Sure you don't, brat."

"Stop calling me brat!" Naruto snapped. "I don't stink!"

"I'll stop calling you brat after you're clean and presentable. Tsunade's going to give me an earful if she sees you looking like you just crawled out of the sewers," Jiraiya grumbled.

"Fine, fine," Naruto hmphed. "I can't believe you're scared of Tsunade-baba."

"I'm not scared of her!" Jiraiya growled in annoyance.

"Whatever you say, pervert-senin," Naruto sang. "Go for a walk or something. I'm not taking my clothes off in front of you."

There was an exasperated sigh, and Jiraiya walked off. He was about to disappear completely from view, but managed to shout "I swear you're worse than a woman, brat!" before he was out of earshot.

Naruto uttered a string of colourful phrases and chucked his top over to the riverbank. Sasuke's eyes widened. He knew he should stop looking and leave right now, but something about Naruto undressing was mesmerising. He stared dumbly at the well-defined chest flashing tauntingly his way, and had to swallow the growing lump in his throat when Naruto's pants joined his top. Seconds later, a pair of blue boxers came flying out of the water.

Heat rushed to Sasuke's face. His heart pounded loudly in his ears, and his mouth felt suddenly dry. The branch that he held to steady his position was slowly being squeezed to death.

Back in the river, Naruto turned around giving Sasuke an eyeful of sun-kissed skin, slim hips and a very, very nice behind. Not knowing that he was being watched, Naruto muttered several more curses and waded to the middle of the river. The water level remained more or less unchanged, and he ducked under quickly fully drenching himself.

The tip of Sasuke's tongue peeked out and moistened his parched lips, his eyes never leaving the now dripping Naruto.

Rivulets of water caressed their way down Naruto's body, slipping and sliding over smooth tanned skin until finally returning to the river. Naruto's hand moved up hastily to brush the offending hair away from his eyes, and slicked his hair back. His body shuddered from the light breeze.

"Stupid pervert-senin. If I catch pneumonia, I swear I'd kick his perverted ass."

Quickly, not wanting to dawdle and catch something nasty, Naruto scrubbed himself with his bare hands.

Unholy thoughts about those hands and that tantalising body against his own wheedled into Sasuke's mind. Blood rushed down from his reluctantly bowed head to lower parts of his body. His tongue peeked out once more to lap at the sweat on his upper lip. Since when did it get so hot?

"Well isn't that a lovely view," an all too familiar voice whispered into his ear.

Sasuke almost jumped out of his skin and nearly fell out of the tree. Turning wide horrified eyes to his right, he had never felt such fear of facing his teacher. Kakashi was crouched next to Sasuke, their faces barely an inch apart. There was an ominous glimmer in the Copy Ninja's only visible eye, and Sasuke was sure there was a large predatory smile underneath that mask. His heart stopped. He had been caught gawking and now there was hell to pay.

"Are you here to train, Sasuke?" Kakashi asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Sasuke gulped, but nodded numbly in reply.

He had to get out of there before Naruto discovered them. Hell, he didn't care if Naruto found Kakashi. As long as he wasn't present, then everything else would be fine. Kakashi was widely known for being a pervert; it wouldn't be surprising to find the man spying on his former student while said student bathed. It was almost logical, in a sick, twisted way.

"But I see you were distracted," Kakashi observed, his voice laced with something Sasuke couldn't decipher.

"I can understand," Kakashi added as an afterthought. His gaze no longer on Sasuke, but instead trained on a certain blonde's rather exposed back. "Naruto does have a nice – "

"Aren't you done yet?!" Jiraiya's voice boomed in the silent forest, almost knocking Sasuke out of the tree once more.

Sasuke swore inwardly, and clutched at his chest. He was going to die of a heart attack if they didn't stop doing that. And in response to that thought, there was a loud unearthly scream. Sasuke's and Kakashi's eyes bulged out of their sockets. No male, after having surpassed the age of puberty, could possibly reach that degree of shrillness.

Naruto sunk completely into the water until only his head showed, and screeched some more.

"What are you doing here?!"

"Stop screaming like a girl!" Jiraiya yelled, his ears still ringing from Naruto's piercing squall.

"I don't," Naruto began, his voice still several octaves too high before coughing, and forcing it back down. "I mean... I don't scream like a girl!"

"Could've fooled me," Jiraiya said sarcastically. "Hurry it up! I've been gone for ten minutes and you're still washing. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to drown yourself."

"Shut up!" Naruto growled, still neck deep in water. "Pass me my bag and turn around."

Jiraiya said a handful of carefully chosen words, and reluctantly threw Naruto's bag.

"Turn around!"

"Oh for fuck sake! You ain't some beautiful virgin guarding her virtue!"

"Turn around!"

Throwing up his hands in exasperation, Jiraiya turned around. "It's not like you have something I haven't seen before, brat!"

Naruto ignored the mumbled remark. Wading back to the side of the river, he fished out several items of clothing and started to get out of the water.

While Naruto dressed, Sasuke's heart rate increased. Jiraiya-sama was just standing below, right next to the tree he and Kakashi was in. If they were seen now, Sasuke knew he was doomed. There was no doubt Jiraiya-sama was going to say something to Naruto. What would Sasuke do then?

Too occupied with his inner turmoil, Sasuke missed the amused expression on his teacher's face. His gaze wandered away from the half-clothed blonde as he tried to formulate a plan that could get him out of this situation. Anything to get him away. The predictions of him picking up several not-so-wholesome traits from Kakashi was slowly coming true. He was already down the irreversible path to pervert-hood without knowing it, and he suspected Kakashi and Jiraiya-sama were going to welcome him into the fold with open arms. Where was that kunai, he wondered briefly.

As his thoughts strayed, Sasuke's eyes lowered to peer down at Jiraiya and to make sure the senin wasn't aware of his presence at all. But unfortunately for Sasuke, Jiraiya knew of Sasuke's whereabouts even before he had left Naruto alone to clean. It was at that very moment Jiraiya looked up and caught Sasuke's eyes.

Sasuke's breath hitched. A slow uplift of lips was enough to tell him his little secret had been discovered.

"Shit."

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Author's notes: Well that was that... hopefully more to come later on. Good? Bad? Meh? 


	2. Spoonage

Disclaimer: same as previous.

The missing chapter... yes... many apologies to the confusion... Hopefully this will clear things up and satisfy everyone's curiosity. For some reason I don't really like this chapter... maybe because this sort of scene had been overdone... maybe... ah well... enough of my blabbing...

Oh and... I'm very sorry to say to all those reading this at the **full version of this chapter is at **. Just to be sure I'm not going to get kicked out of here... go to my profile and look for the link there. Sorry for the inconvenience.

And many thanks to Shaq for beta-ing...

* * *

**Spoonage**

Sasuke stared balefully up at the ceiling, trying to block out the events of that afternoon. But it seemed no matter how many times he turned from side to side, the memory of flawless skin and taut stomach would always haunt him.

He gritted his teeth. Stupid, enticing – enticing? Did he just think Naruto was enticing? No... couldn't have. The moronic idiot would never be enticing, or alluring, or tempting. Even with his sun-kissed complexion, and tauntingly full and pouty lips, and ... No! The idiot wasn't at all seductive!

An indistinct image of a snickering Kakashi appeared.

Sasuke redoubled his efforts at making himself fall asleep. Kakashi's form wavered and was instantly replaced with Itachi (his brother liked to hover when he was dangling precariously on the last shreds of consciousness). He flinched before he could stop the instinctive reaction and mentally berated himself.

You've seen him like this before! his mind yelled; why the hell are you flinching like a girl?!

Grinding his teeth harder together, he welcomed the distraction with open arms. Not even Naruto with his shapely legs could possibly go up against this, he thought.

It seemed to work, until Itachi's long hair shortened, and yellow bled into jet black. The Sharingan gave way to brilliant blue, whisker-like scars appeared on Itachi's cheeks, and the corners of his brother's unsmiling mouth lifted into an uncharacteristically large grin.

Sasuke's brow furrowed in confusion, but he never had time to dwell on it. The feeling of being watched shook him violently away from his thoughts, and he immediately stilled his body and cast out his senses. His hand inched ever closer to the hidden kunai as he peered through slitted eyes. A darker shade of black glided past one of the shelves. Seconds ticked by with excruciating slowness.

Just when he thought nothing was going to happen, a hand clamped down firmly on his shoulder, and the tip of his kunai was pressed dangerously close to his attacker's throat.

Blue eyes blinked.

"No wonder you don't get any visitors," Naruto breathed, the sharp tip of the weapon a tad too close to his jugular for his comfort. "Do you always try to kill your guests?" he asked, backing away slowly. "Or am I just special?" Naruto's famous teeth-baring grin emerged.

Sasuke withdrew the kunai, and placed it on the night-stand. "Don't flatter yourself, moron."

"Stop calling me moron." There was an indignant huff followed by a thump as Naruto unceremoniously dropped his pack. The side of the bed sank under Naruto's weight. "And here I was making a special effort to visit you first."

Sasuke lifted a brow. Naruto never made an effort in anything unless said blonde wanted something. "What do you want?"

"What? Can't a guy visit his friend without being hassled?" Naruto asked incredulously.

"Not when you wake me up at," Sasuke glanced at his digital clock, "One in the morning."

"That's hardly fair, Sasuke," Naruto whined. "You weren't even asleep."

"Naruto," he growled.

"All right, all right. Don't get your panties – er – boxers?" Naruto paused in thought, "Briefs? Eh... whatever the hell you wear in a bunch!" Sasuke tried to kick the blonde, but only managing a sharp prod as the blankets restricted his movement. "Can I stay the night?"

"No." Sasuke automatically replied. Normally, Sasuke would have grunted nonchalantly and left the blonde to his own devices – this usually ended with him stepping on a nondescript lump in the morning on his way to the bathroom, but this wasn't normal. Well he wasn't at any rate.

"But Sas – "

"No."

"B – "

"No! You have your own apartment."

"Yeah, but I don't have my keys."

"You never lock your door, stupid. Why the hell would you need keys?"

"Hey!" Naruto protested in indignation. "I do so lock my door!"

"Oh yeah? Since when?"

"Since – since – " There was a frustrated growl and a petulant scowl. "Fine! But seeing I'm away for months at a time – "

Sasuke quickly cut the blonde off, not wanting a foot-long explanation. "Why don't you have your keys?"

"Because I left them with Iruka-sensei," Naruto bit out, annoyed at being interrupted. "And I didn't want to wake him."

"And it was okay to wake me instead?" Sasuke asked, eyebrows twitching.

"Why, aren't you happy to see me?" Naruto's honeyed coo didn't quite match his flashing stare. "And besides, Iruka-sensei has to teach in the next morning," the blonde added in, voice still dripping with sweetness.

"How considerate of you," Sasuke growled low in his throat. Then he cocked his head to the side. Why would it be late for Naruto to go to Iruka's when they were back in the village before sundown? Surely Tsunade-sama wouldn't have kept them for that long. "Exactly what time did you get back?"

There was a pause, and Naruto's brows crinkled in thought. "Well... it was dark when we headed for Tsunade-baba's."

"Why didn't you stay with Jiraiya?"

"The stupid pervert had _guests_ to entertain." Naruto wrinkled his nose in distaste. "And he was the one that suggested I stay with you."

"I... see..." The toad-senin was definitely planning something; Sasuke hoped he'd be coming out of whatever it was alive. "Kakashi then?"

"I was going to," Naruto admitted. "I started to head in what I thought was the general direction of his house when I remembered I didn't know where he lived."

Sasuke shook his head. "Moron."

"Can't blame me," Naruto said with a tired shrug, turning to look at Sasuke. "I haven't been to his house before."

Sasuke scowled. Naruto was a bloody ninja! Couldn't he just break into his own apartment?! Slow, almost awkward movements drew his attention away from his thoughts. Naruto had yanked off his outer cloak and discarded it atop his bag before Sasuke could protest.

"You're not staying!" Sasuke's throat constricted when Naruto's T-shirt joined the growing pile. What the hell was the he doing?!

"Too bad," Naruto mumbled. "It's only," his sentence was interrupted by a jaw-popping yawn, "For one night. Ain't like I'll be staying here forever or something."

Just when Sasuke thought Naruto had finished stripping, the blonde's black slacks fluttered to the ground.

"What are you doing?" Sasuke croaked, his face growing uncomfortably hot.

"What does it look like?" Grunting in annoyance, Naruto knelt and started to rummage through his pack.

Sasuke heard nothing but the absent ring in his ears. It was as if the devil had stopped time and decided to wave an almost nude Naruto in front of his face. If he slipped out of the blankets, crawled the short distance to the end of his bed, and stretched out his hand...

"Found it!"

Sasuke visibly jumped. He found himself leaning forward on his hands, the blanket pooling around his waist. Disturbed by how easily his body followed his mind's goading, he quickly scooted under the blanket and cursed himself.

Naruto eventually emerged with a bat-like creature attached to his head. Sasuke blinked.

"You still have that stupid thing."

"What are you calling stupid?" Naruto asked in mock outrage, while standing triumphantly at the foot of the bed in nothing but his boxers and a grotesque nightcap sinking its teeth into his scalp.

If it had been on someone else's head, it would've looked ridiculous, bordering on freakish. But somehow, it looked almost sexy on the blonde. Sasuke buried himself deeper under the mound of covers, and suppressed a mournful groan. He did not just think that... But then, it was very hard not to think along those lines. A slither of moonlight was casting shadows at just the right places, making Naruto's slender and toned physique painfully obvious.

"It'll be a sought after item when I become hokage!"

Sasuke tore his eyes away (the large expanse of exposed flesh forever scorched into his retina) and managed a weak, half-hearted snort. He had to get rid of Naruto now! Or he would never be able to boot out the tempting (yes, he had finally admitted defeat) amount of eye candy.

Opening his mouth, he was about to tell Konoha's ex-number one loudest, hyperactive ninja (Konohamaru had taken up the position) to get the hell out, when the other side of the blanket lifted. There was a contented sigh and Naruto was lying in his personal space. What was left of Sasuke's weakening resolve melted, and all the Uchiha could do was scoot far, far away and wrap his arms firmly around his chest; in case his hands decided to do some exploring of their own.

"God..." Goose bumps broke out across Sasuke's heated skin as Naruto's quiet purr ran unbidden down his spine, and the lower regions of his body tightened and twisted painfully. He bit back a groan. "I miss sleeping in beds."

The blonde had his arms folded beneath his head, eyes blissfully closed, soaking in every bit of comfort.

Sasuke scowled. Damn him! Here he was beating his rabid imagination and libido down with a stick, and the oblivious lump looked as if nothing could be better in the world. He swiftly kneed Naruto's side (well, he hoped it was... oh dear lord let it be Naruto's side).

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Naruto howled and batted at Sasuke's face, managing to poke an eye.

Clutching at his face in pain, Sasuke issued another kick. "Get the hell out of my bed!"

"Stop being such a selfish bastard!" Wrapping the sheets more firmly around himself, the corner of Naruto's lips lifted into a sly grin. "You should be honoured to have me half nude in your bed!"

Something snapped, and Sasuke saw red. Naruto didn't smile much longer because Sasuke's fist had connected with his face in mere seconds.

"You bastard!" Naruto roared, lip already starting to swell.

Feeling sufficiently better, Sasuke twisted back around and settled into a comfortable position.

"If you get blood on my sheets I'll aim for something that would hurt far worse than your face."

---

**(Insert dream sequence...)**

---

Dark eyes snapped open in alarm, frantically searching for the remnants of the already fading dream. Sasuke swallowed the panic and forced his mind to work. There was no point for him to start screaming like a headless chicken. His brows knitted. Headless chickens can't scream, his mind whispered in a daze.

He quickly brushed the nonsensical thoughts aside, and shoved his brain back into gear. As long as he wasn't nude and crouching in front of an equally naked Naruto in the shower then all was right in the world. Quickly, he scanned his surroundings.

Definitely not in the bathroom... Still in his drawstring pants... No sign of a stark naked moron... and the black lump squashing the life out of his arm was just a sleeping Naruto spooned up against him....

Sighing in relief, he was about to settle back down when his mind did a double take.

Naruto... In... His... Arms... Spooned?!

What the hell? He jerked back, and he greatly regretted it. Naruto stirred, groaned, and scooted back further into confines of his arms.

Things just went rolling downhill from there. Every nerve-ending underneath his skin simultaneously decided to play 'Guess which part of Naruto's body you're touching!'. Sasuke gulped. He could just see the smug and knowing looks on Jiraiya's and Kakashi's face if they saw this, and he could imagine what Naruto was going to do to him if he woke this instant. He was going to miss his eardrums dearly...

He was just about to work out how to extract his arm from under Naruto's dead weight when the sheets rustled. His breath hitched. The toe-curling, spine-arching, skin-tingling wave of sensations rolled him over, leaving him panting and shivering in its wake.

What the fuck? It came again, and Sasuke gritted his teeth and clung desperately to Naruto's waist and buried his face into the blonde's nape as he rode out the waves of pleasure. The heady scent of musk and sweat wafted up his nose making it that much harder to stay sane.

Stop... moving...

His hold tightened, causing Naruto to struggle harder, dragging cotton against his hardened flesh. Not caring, Sasuke jerked his arm free, and kicked Naruto away. It didn't matter that the blonde was going to fall off the bed, and it certainly didn't make an impression when Naruto's head connected with the corner of the night-stand with a sickening thwack. All that mattered was getting to the bathroom fast!

---

One minute he was dreaming about a lifetime's supply of miso ramen, the next, he was being strangled by bloodthirsty udon noodles; and finally, he found himself on the floor, his skull screaming bloody murder.

So he had chosen ramen over udon, it didn't have to get all nasty and vicious and try to snap him in half. He just preferred ramen. End of story. But that didn't matter. What mattered was why he was on the frigid floor in nothing but his boxers sporting a dent in his head.

Naruto growled and squinted through the pain. "Damn it!" He cursed, pulling himself up with the help of the night-stand. "Sasuke better have a good reason for kicking me out of the bed," he muttered darkly.

Once he was relatively sure he could stand without support, he stared at the bed and blinked. Where the hell was that stuck up, good for nothing Uchiha?! Gritting his teeth against the piercing jabs in his head, he staggered out of the room.

He was going to beat the bastard's head in. "Let's see how _he_ likes it," he murmured savagely, cracking his knuckles.

The sound of the shower reached his ears, and he was instantly in front of the bathroom, pounding the daylights out of the door. He didn't just get kicked out of a bed because the bastard couldn't live without bathing!

"Sasuke, you bloody asshole!" Naruto screeched, each word accentuated with a kick and a punch on the door. "You kicked me out of the bed because you needed a shower?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

He paused in his barrage of kicking, punching, and yelling, and strained his ears to hear if the arrogant jerk had anything to say in his defence. The spray of the showerhead was his only reply. Gnashing his teeth together, he violently yanked his nightcap off, threw it back into the bedroom, and began another brutal attack on the door.

"Don't you dare ignore me, you arrogant bastard! I am going to kick your ass when you come out! You hear me?!"

And the litany continued for a good five minutes, until something unexpected caught Naruto's attention. All the commotion ceased, and he found himself pressing the side of his face against the abused piece of wood. He could've sworn he just heard moaning.

Scrunching his face up in utter concentration, Naruto pressed himself closer. And then he heard it again, the almost imperceptible moan. Why would Sasuke be moaning? Was he hurt? Did the high and mighty Uchiha slip on a bar of soap and crack his head open? Naruto snickered. Sure... and Kakashi and Jiraiya aren't really perverts, his mind remarked, just a couple of scholars brushing up on the finer points of the female anatomy.

His eyes widened. Realisation pummelled his still aching head. Sasuke was... Naruto's infamous grin appeared in all its glory. Oh this was too good...

Anger forgotten, Naruto waited, face still against wood. He had to be sure. He wasn't about to risk blabbering about something like this to find out later he had heard wrong. Uzumaki Naruto was going to get his revenge, and no one, not some random bowl of udon and definitely not Uchiha Sasuke, was going to stop him. He threw back his head and cackled.

Another moan erupted, followed by a groan. His grin widened. Stepping over the small pile of splinters, Naruto went to get ready for a new day, all the while mulling over ways in which to use this new information to his full advantage.

---

A half hour later, both boys met up in the kitchen, Naruto grinning like a maniac, and Sasuke wearing his usual nonchalant mask. It was only when they both started heading out that Sasuke noticed the glint in Naruto's eyes.

"What are you grinning about, moron?" Sasuke drawled, grabbing his keys as he opened the front door.

"Oh nothing," Naruto replied in a sing-song voice, rocking on the balls of his feet. "Just discovered something _very_ interesting."

Sasuke stood halfway out the door, and eyed Naruto. "Whatever," he murmured, "Just try not to split your face in half with that grin of yours." He was disturbed when Naruto didn't yell in rage and call him bastard and the like. What was Naruto up to?

The front door closed with a sure click, and they had barely moved three steps when Naruto broke the silence.

"So Sasuke, was she blonde? Or did she have pink hair? You weren't thinking of Sakura-chan were you?!"


	3. Tasteful Shade of Orange

Disclaimer: same as previous.

All right... let's see if I can do this right... - sweatdrops - here is the next chapter... again... Those of you that have read this... it's actually the second chapter that's new... so go back and read!

And thanks to Shaq for beta-ing.

* * *

**Tasteful Shade of Orange**

Another bright, sun-filled morning, his mind chirped in false enthusiasm. He was not having a good morning; not a good morning at all. Everything was bloody against him!

It was bad enough when he had been jolted awake from another one of _those_ dreams; the ones where stupid, fucking, naked Naruto decided to frolic and prance all over his mind. But it seemed the powers that be decided he hadn't suffered enough. Oh no... Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse, fate made up her flippant mind and dished out another serving.

"Poor, little, hormone driven Sasuke," the old crone (fate) rasped within the bowels of his mind.

Bah! What did she know? he growled savagely. He punched the offending pillow (the one that carried Naruto's scent and had set off his foul mood) several times before chucking it as far away from him as possible. Damn Naruto to hell! And damn himself for being weak and letting the dumb blonde share his bed the night before!

"Stupid!" he muttered.

Look what you've done, he scolded, not only are you plagued with dreams, now you're surrounded by his scent! He pulled at his hair. After waking up this morning, he had found himself unbearably hard with his nose buried deep in the folds of the pillow case. He had made a beeline for the bathroom, and when he came out he felt like strangling the blonde. It was _his_fault! He sent daggers at the crumpled pillow.

Minutes past, before he got up and headed for the door. Training. Training would definitely help his mood.

The door was half open when he stopped. A neatly wrapped, cellophane-covered gift basket sat patiently on his doorstep. He blinked. What the hell? Upon closer inspection, he made out what looked to be a vib –

Oh hell no! He quickly grabbed the gift, lest someone saw it and thought he was some sort of sick pervert, and scuttled back into his apartment. Within seconds, the cellophane was in the air, and the contents of the basket spilled onto the floor. Several volumes of Kakashi's accursed books flopped onto the carpet like dead fish, looking tattered and worn, and stuffed full of coloured labels. Marked pages?

He found a canister of whipped cream, a jar of chocolate body paint, a pair of fluffy handcuffs and other various 'toys'. He shuddered. This was going too far... He swept through the pile, avoiding a ball gag and something he didn't want to touch, and came away with a folded note.

_'To the lucky recipient of this delightful basket_,

_This basket contains a whole range of goodies that will provide hours of endless fun for you and your snuggle bunny.' _

Snuggle bunny? Sasuke's eye twitched. They saw. They saw him spooning Naruto the other morning. Shit! If they saw then... oh crap! They must think he and Naruto had...

_'The reading material have all been meticulously marked and labelled for easy access. _

_Red: food fetish._

_Blue: toys._

_Yellow: multiple partners. _

_Black: bondage. _

_Green: harmless fun.' _

Just what did Jiraiya write about?! He shook his head and curbed his thoughts. Knowing would probably mean throwing his sanity out the window. Grabbing a pair of tongs from the kitchen, he placed everything back and chucked it into the nearest closet.

---

The sight of Kakashi and Jiraiya talking together in the training grounds made his blood run cold. The names Kakashi and Jiraiya should never be allowed in the same sentence, let alone mixed in with talking and the like. The two men were in deep discussion about something, probably something perverted from the expressions on their faces, and Sasuke felt invisible hands wringing his stomach. It was either: run for the hills, or live through something beyond hellish.

He was in mid-pivot when Jiraiya bellowed a loud greeting, and Kakashi clapped a jovial hand on his shoulder. "Shit!" He muttered under his breath, but he was already being led to the white-haired devil by the devil's equally perverted minion.

"You weren't thinking of running were you, Sasuke?" Kakashi asked innocently, crescent-shaped eye glinting in mischief. "After all, we have much to discuss."

"About?" Sasuke asked, despite his mind's loud protests. Damn his curiosity.

"Why Naruto is still walking around so normally," Jiraiya quipped, a look of disappointment trying to mask the sly smile.

"What does that have to do with me?" Sasuke was pleased his voice betrayed very little.

"Oh?" Jiraiya's brow rose. "Are we going to play that game now?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sasuke folded his arms defensively around his chest.

"Save it for someone who cares, brat." Jiraiya waved a dismissive hand. "But do tell me why Naruto was walking like nothing had happened yesterday. Hm...?" The senin coaxed, completely ignoring the death glares heading his way.

It wasn't that Jiraiya cared about his student's sex life (hell, hearing about it would ruin all future inspirations for his novels), but sex was sex, and regardless of the coupling, it had to be done right.

Leaning against a nearby tree, Kakashi watched the scene unfold in silent amusement.

"I did _not_ sleep with that dumb ass!" Sasuke hissed. It was obvious Jiraiya wouldn't stop pestering him until he gave him some answers.

"Of course there wasn't much sleeping," Jiraiya remarked, "if it was done right. And if the brat's going to be – " and here he paused, furrowed his brows, and wriggled his fingers in the air to get his point across, "Then you could at least do a better job at screwing his brains out."

Kakashi snorted, earning himself annoyed glares and you're-not-helping looks. Smiling in apology he watched Sasuke's face wash over with a multitude of emotions.

"Now, now Sasuke," Kakashi soothed. "No need to be upset. That's what the books are for."

"What?!" Sasuke whirled on his teacher. "You are both out of your mind!"

"Yes," Jiraiya agreed while standing from the log he had been perching on. "But we're not in denial, either."

"I'm not – " Sasuke began to protest.

Jiraiya waved him off, and began heading back. "I'd say waking up spooned against your team mate would be a pretty clear 'Oh mother of all things holy, I fucked Naruto!'?" He choked on the name as a very nude Naruto blew kisses at him in his mind. "Get out!"

Both Kakashi and Sasuke jumped at Jiraiya's sudden outburst, and watched with raised eyebrows when the senin started to bat at the air. A sudden bout of insanity? Kakashi thought.

"Enough of this chitchat! I have to wake the brat up; no doubt he fell asleep in the shower again." Jiraiya reached the edged of the clearing, stopped and looked over his shoulder. "You coming or what?"

Sasuke opened his mouth to refuse, but Kakashi cut him off.

"Coming!" Kakashi said with an overly cheerful voice.

---

"What?" Naruto's sleepy grunt filtered through the front door.

It reluctantly creaked open, revealing a very tired looking blonde dressed in nothing but a pale orange towel. Naruto's mop of hair dripped water past distinct grid-like creases on his cheeks, running down his chest and finally landing in a small puddle at his feet.

Sasuke stood beside Kakashi in stunned silence. Gawking over Jiraiya's shoulder, heat surged to his face. If he didn't tear his gaze away soon his clothes would catch on fire. Look away you fool, look away!

"Don't you 'What?' me!"

Jiraiya's yell made Sasuke blink. Had he been staring?! More importantly had Kakashi caught him? Flicking his gaze up, he felt his heart clench and roll over. The wickedly amused glint and the teasing smile made Sasuke regret having eyes. Fuck! Fuck! And fuck!

"You were supposed to meet me at six thirty!" Jiraiya roared.

Naruto squinted and blinked. He rubbed at his bleary eyes and tried to dispel the distorted image of an overly large, and excessively shaggy white cheetah that sounded disturbingly like the old pervert. Since when did Konoha have cheetahs? Are cheetahs perverted? Six thirty?

"For training!" The toad senin whacked his pupil hard on the head.

"Ow!" Naruto rubbed the bump on his head. Stupid perverted cheetah hit me!

"Wake – up!"

"What the hell?!" His cheeks were pinched painfully and Naruto's blurry vision cleared.

"Pervert senin!" he screeched.

"Stupid brat!" Another hit.

Naruto growled and tackled Jiraiya to the ground. Never mind that he was in nothing but a towel. The senin had crossed the line. He didn't appreciate being brain damaged this early in the morning; correction, he didn't appreciate being brain damaged _ever_!

"Damn brat! What the fuck are you doing?" The rest of Jiraiya's sentence was choked off when Naruto's hands squeezed his windpipe shut.

Throughout the throttling, gagging and general fighting, Sasuke observed Naruto's towel with unblinking eyes. The piece of terry cloth clung to Naruto's slim waist for dear life, and on several occasions (in which Sasuke had watched with bated breath) the flimsy cloth had almost fallen to the ground. He was torn between wanting the blasted material to just go up in flames, and wanting to scream at Naruto to get some clothes on.

Despite his torment, his mask of nonchalance remained firmly plastered to his face, and this fact comforted his jittery nerves. It didn't improve matters when the green eyed monster reared its ugly head. He was not wishing it was him under Naruto instead of Jiraiya! Of course not!

Kicking that disconcerting notion aside, he gathered his composure. It unnerved him how silent Kakashi had been through the entire exchange. He found the jounin watching the fight from behind yet another volume of Icha Icha Paradise. Why wasn't he surprised?

"You're getting me wet!" Jiraiya finally managed to trap Naruto's hands and keep the blonde from strangling him further. There was more struggling and Naruto started to move from his straddled position to aim at Jiraiya's vulnerable bits.

It was at this moment Sasuke decided enough was enough, and moved to end this nonsense. But he froze when a very large strip of Naruto's thigh flashed through the open slit of the mangled towel. His breath caught. Oh mother of all things holy...

"Pervert senin – let – go!"

"No," Jiraiya said firmly, amusement colouring his words. "And you better keep that towel on. I don't want my eyeballs shrivelling in their sockets!"

Naruto snorted. "You wouldn't be complaining if I was in my sexy no jutsu form."

"Will you?" Jiraiya's eyes glittered.

"No!" Naruto squawked.

The look of utter desolation pummelled the last traces of hope from Jiraiya's face. "In that case," he muttered, "Get dressed! You have visitors."

"Eh?"

It was only then that Naruto noticed the two men staring down at them. Kakashi's face was threatening to split from the huge grin under his mask and Sasuke looked mortified. It was also then that Naruto came to realise his own state of undress. With speed that would have done Gai proud, Naruto leapt off his teacher, yelled a string of obscenities, clutched at his slipping towel, and ran for his room. Not forgetting to yell "You're all perverts!" before slamming the door shut.

---

Sasuke scowled at the far wall. He was _not_ a pervert! And he didn't appreciate being lumped together with those two. He glared moodily at the wall, trying to will holes into Naruto's messy apartment. It was the moron's fault! If he had been born ugly then Sasuke wouldn't have been caught staring, because he wouldn't be staring in the first place!

"Brat, stop sulking," Jiraiya ordered from Naruto's couch. "You'll have Naruto all over you eventually."

Kakshi smiled from behind his book while Jiraiya continued.

"Though, I can't guarantee the towel scene again." Jiraiya snorted. "Who knew walking in on the brat while he was – uh – taking care of things made him self-conscious," he paused and added as an afterthought. "And I'm sorry to say he wasn't moaning your name, brat."

Sasuke's eyes bulged, while Jiraiya shuddered at the resurfacing memories. "I had nightmares for a week and writer's block for two."

Kakashi nodded in understanding. "I had to dig up the old volumes again."

Jiraiya's head bobbed up and down gravely. "Every time I tried to start, the brat would pop up in my head. I felt like gouging my eyes out with a spoon."

"Spoon?"

Sasuke lazily lifted his head and was not surprised to find Naruto standing in the doorway towelling his hair.

"What? Something on my face?"

Besides Jiraiya's amused snort, there was only silence. Naruto shrugged, glanced at Sasuke and looked towards Kakashi. The lanky man was perched precariously on the back of his couch, leafing through the latest volume of Icha Icha Paradise. "Kakashi-sensei!" A large grin broke out on Naruto's face.

Kakashi tucked his book away and smiled. "I didn't know you're an exhibitionist, Naruto."

Blood rushed to Naruto's face, and Sasuke watched in mild curiosity when the blonde started to pluck at his tight-fitting T-shirt. "That was – uh – " Naruto stuttered?

"Brat, why is your top threatening to burst at the seams? Don't tell me you spent the whole of yesterday stuffing yourself with ramen."

Naruto puffed out his cheeks. "I am not fat! And it's your fault!"

"How is it my fault?"

"Because you threw me into that bloody river! Now the only clothes that fit me are wet!"

Jiraiya's eyes twitched. "It was your own damn fault!" he bit out. It was taking every ounce of his self-control not to shove his foot up the boy's ass. "It's not my responsibility to take care of your personal hygiene as well."

"I did not smell that bad!" Naruto yelled, forgetting Kakashi and Sasuke and basically everyone else in the apartment building.

The whole building winced in unison.

"Skunks were taking frickin' detours around us!" The senin's hands twitched. But the looming image of Tsunade cracking her knuckles over his bloodied and writhing body made him think twice about strangling the boy.

"They did not!"

---

Ten minutes later, Sasuke found himself making his way towards the training grounds again. It had taken a full five minutes to get the old pervert and Naruto to stop arguing; a further three minutes was needed for Naruto's cup ramen to cook, and then another two minutes went by as Naruto stuffed his face.

Sasuke heaved an annoyed sigh and deftly ducked under a branch. A little behind and to his right, Naruto played leap frog with the branches and somewhere within the foliage lurked Kakashi and Jiraiya. The telltale itch between his shoulder blades only added to the feeling of impending doom.

"Oi! Pervert-senin!"

Birds took flight and Sasuke glanced over his shoulder. Naruto was standing precariously on a branch, eyes fixed on a point to his left.

"Perver – "

"What?!" Jiraiya snapped, soundlessly landing on the ground below.

"I need to finish training early!"

"What?! You wake up late, and now you want to leave early?! You ungrateful, brat!"

Kakashi appeared next to Jiraiya, book securely in his hand, and Sasuke grunted in irritation. When the hell would training start?!

"Hey! I'm not stupid! I need to get some bloody clothes! These are going to end up ripped when I'm done training!" And to demonstrate his point, Naruto lifted his arm and the side seam was no more.

"Go shopping after training!" Jiraiya growled unfazed. "And I'm sure the other brat won't mind seeing more skin."

Why the hell was he getting dragged into this? Sasuke gnashed his teeth together, trying to redirect the blood rushing to his face. Was it pick-on-Sasuke-day today?

There was a moment's pause, before Naruto decided to brush it aside. Whatever the old pervert was referring to could wait; he needed clothes! "But Lee offered to take me to this place that sells real cheap clothes!" he whined.

"Lee? Gai's – ?" Jiraiya looked over at Kakashi, hoping he had gotten the wrong person. But the jounin only nodded with an indulgent smile. "You're not going shopping with that boy!"

"Why the hell not?!"

"Have you seen what he wears?"

"Yeah, so?"

How dense could the boy be? He dragged in an exasperated breath. "Fine. You can go, but you have to take him," he jerked his thumb to a wide-eyed Sasuke, "with you."

"What?!" Both boys cried in outrage.

"I'm not letting you go unsupervised. God forbid you come back looking like Gai." Jiraiya shuddered at the memory of Naruto holding up the green leotard.

"But why?" Naruto shrieked.

"It's not my problem the moron has bad fashion sense," Sasuke protested. He was not going shopping with Naruto, let alone Lee.

"I have great fashion sense!"

"Ha! Who was the one running around Konoha for the last few years in a lurid orange outfit?"

"That was a tasteful shade of orange!"

"Sasuke you're going, and that's final."

"Don't I get a say in this?"

"No."

* * *

Author's note: Sorry for the very long wait... you wouldn't believe how many times I've rewritten this... - scowls - I think rewriting is becoming one of my bad habits. And we see Shaq nodding her head over there... but yes... that's the end of that chappie... chapter four... well... it'll come out when it comes out. - sweatdrop - If you guys are dying to find out when... check my profile every few months or so... 'cos that's how seriously stuck I am these days.

Shaq's input: - nods - Very true. Fic was written, rewritten, and written again. Horrible habit, I tell you. Heh, heh. I'm sure you'll be able to scrap together another chapter. Just...need time, is all.


	4. Humongo Brows

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters.... 'cept for Mr. Humongo-brows.... wonder if I could trade him for Naruto or Sasuke... or both!

Another chapter... and another load of brain cells off to the incinerator. Who needs brain cells when you can have manga? Um... thanks for the reviews everyone... they are lovely as always... I guess I'm going down the right track for this... not that that's easy to do... but hey... what do I know? You guys are still reading this... so it's a sign... enough of this blabbing... ON WITH THE SHOW!... er... FIC!

And many thanks to Shaq for beta-ing... here's a pack of fake eyebrows for your help.

* * *

**Humongo-brows**

He wondered if banging his head against the wall would end this god awful nightmare or at least knock him out so that he didn't have to endure this torture. It was unfair and pointless for him to be here. So what, if Naruto had no fashion sense; it had nothing to do with him. But somehow, Jiraiya had made it his business and now he was stuck here waiting for Lee to show up. Sending a malevolent glare in Naruto's direction, he sighed. What the hell did he do to deserve this?!

Training had ended all too soon because of Naruto's little shopping expedition. Jiraiya had decided to pack as much in as possible and had quite literally pummelled the blonde to the ground. Despite his amusement at seeing Naruto being beaten to a pulp, Sasuke himself didn't get much training done. He scowled. At this rate he would end up achieving nothing, let alone be able to kill his brother. His expression turned ominous.

"Oi moron," he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.

Naruto stopped fidgeting and cocked his head to the side, the corners of his lips dipped. "I have a bloody name!" He shook his fist in frustration and the strap of Sasuke's black tank top slid down Naruto's shoulder.

Narrowing his eyes slightly, Sasuke unconsciously licked his lips. Shouldn't have agreed to let the idiot borrow that, he mused. After ripping the side seam, Naruto's T-shirt had decided it had had enough and quite literally committed suicide. It lay in pieces after ten minutes, and by the end of the session Sasuke had memorised every line and curve of Naruto's lithe torso.

He wouldn't have minded so much if Kakashi and Jiraiya didn't wink and give him sly looks every five minutes. In the end Sasuke had dragged Naruto back to his place, and grudgingly let the blonde rummage through his closet. Why Naruto had chosen this particular article of clothing instead of a T-shirt puzzled him, but Sasuke wasn't about to ask. And now, he had an angry blonde in a slightly loose tank top slipping off one shoulder, waving his fist and sending death glares his way. He heaved a sigh.

"Oi! You listening to me?" Naruto yelled, a hand coming up to put the misbehaving strap back in place. "Repeat after me! Na – ru – to!"

"I – di – ot." Sasuke's deadpan expression knocked Naruto's anger gauge up a few notches.

"I'll kill you!" Naruto growled, and launched himself at Sasuke, but was interrupted mid-leap.

"Naruto! Sorry I'm late." Lee ran up to the pair, his overly green body suit/leotard fuelled the minute throbs at Sasuke's temple. "Oh, Sasuke you're here too? Did you want to buy some clothes as well?"

"No." Sasuke inwardly shuddered at the image the question had conjured. "I'm here to baby-sit."

"Baby-sit?" Lee asked, confused. He looked over to Naruto for an explanation but only found the blonde waving his middle finger in Sasuke's direction, and he himself being dragged off by the arm.

"This is going to be one hell of a day," Sasuke growled, pushing himself away from the wall.

---

The shop, as it turned out, was nothing more than a crack between two larger clothing outlets. Multi-coloured spandex and aerobics tube socks littered the place, and Sasuke was having a hard time getting his eyes to accept the colour overload. If his retinas survived this, he was sure nothing could ever blind him. Beside him, Naruto stood stunned, gawking.

"This is..." Naruto's voice was barely audible.

"... hell on earth," Sasuke finished in a whisper.

There was a confused look, before Naruto launched himself head first into the fires of hell. Sasuke shook his head, and tried to block out the heated debate on whether Naruto should buy the standard leotard or the custom-made one.

"But Naruto, the custom-made one is so much better!" Lee gestured to his own green ensemble. "Both Gai-sensei and I wear it. It's very durable!"

"I know, but I need something to wear _now_. I don't want to go through Sasuke's closet again."

He ignored the comment and wondered whether it was time to drag Naruto out of the place or let the situation play out. Sasuke was told by Jiraiya that his 'precious student' must not get anything leotard-like, otherwise he was going to die a painful death. But right now, a painful death was better than listening to Lee go on about how free it felt wearing a leotard. Sasuke shuddered.

"It would only take a few days."

"But I need clothes now."

"Youth today, so impatient...." A voice chided from the back of the store.

All three teens turned to the source of the voice, Sasuke's and Naruto's jaws dropping while Lee bounded happily to greet the man behind the counter.

"This is Maito-san, Gai-sensei's father," Lee introduced proudly.

Lee might as well have said he was Gai's love child. The corners of Sasuke's eyes twitched. If Gai's eyebrows were huge then his father's were ginormous. No... gargantuan... no... something so much bigger, his mind just couldn't process what he saw. Normal, naturally shaped brows were replaced with abominable imitations of two bloated, hairy caterpillars. They squirmed and writhed and it was almost amusing watching the wrinkled eyelids struggle to lift with each blink.

He violently shook himself and tore his gaze away. It couldn't be possible to have those and not go insane with the urge to shave them off. Beside him, Naruto was completely speechless. It seemed the blonde was having more trouble wading through the shock than he did.

"Sas – " Naruto tried to form a coherent sentence, but failed miserably; his brain was ensnared by the twitching, wiggling mass of shaggy, grey hair.

"And this is Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke."

At the mention of his name Naruto shook himself out of his stupor, only to find his eyes going back to the eyebrows on their own accord. It was as if the brows had some sort of hold over him, like magic or some forbidden jutsu. Gai's father had magical eyebrows that could perform forbidden jutsus! He had to warn Sasuke.

"So what can I get for you people? Something dynamic to express your youthful personalities, yes?"

Naruto struggled to find his voice, opening and closing his mouth like a fish. Sasuke briefly wondered if the shock of seeing the fount of Gai's genes was the last straw for Naruto.

"Oh Maito-san, don't mind Naruto," the taijutsu specialist clapped his hands together in joy. "He's just overwhelmed to finally meet the father of such an extraordinary man!"

Extraordinary... was a nice way of putting it. Sasuke coughed discreetly and watched Lee launch into an explanation of what Naruto wanted; well, what Lee wanted Naruto to have.

"All right, let's get your measurements. Naruto-kun, you will never want to wear those unsightly clothes ever again!" Maito-san beamed, light pinging off his toothy-grin.

Naruto nodded numbly, trying to get his skin to stop crawling. Was this such a good idea? Did he want humongo-brows coming near him? But it seemed he didn't have a choice, because minutes later, Maito-san was jotting down numbers and muttering to himself.

"Lee, why don't you show Naruto-kun what we have. But I must say, you are rather... petite. Why when I was your age..."

Sasuke turned to hide his smile, and Lee coughed into his hand.

"You – " Naruto roared, red-faced.

"Come on, Naruto! This way!" Lee hastily dragged the boy to where rolls of fabric were being displayed. "Look!" Lee waved one of the samples in the blonde's face. "This stuff's great!" More waving.

There was an indignant huff, and Naruto tore his murderous gaze away from the old man and focussed on picking out something.

Leaning against the wall, Sasuke watched in quiet amusement. Petite... He smirked. Even after this many years, Naruto was still shorter than most, if not all, of his friends. Along side with being short, Naruto was also scrawny. Sasuke cocked his head to the side and studied Naruto's back. It almost seemed like Nature had stopped midway, backtracked, and decided to go down a whole new path during Naruto's growth; instead of a handsome and well built young man, Naruto looked vulnerable and fey-like. Talk about Nature screwing with you, Sasuke chortled.

He absently batted at the hand dragging something soft and smooth across his cheek. "What the hell do you think you're doing, moron?"

"Isn't it nice?" Naruto was bright-eyed and excited, the 'petite' comment forgotten.

"Hn." Sasuke shrugged nonchalantly. Maybe Nature did intend to make Naruto a girl...

Naruto rolled his eyes and turned back to Lee. "I'll have this. Now colour..." Tapping a finger to his lips, he scanned the colour range and stopping on orange.

Lee grinned. "Is orange your favourite colour? It compliments your eyes."

Naruto nodded distracted. "I miss my orange outfit..."

Sasuke snorted. "It also makes you look like a carrot," Sasuke said under his breath, evading a vicious jab to his ribs.

"Screw it. I'll have orange!" Naruto cheered, as Lee and Maito-san giving the thumbs up sign. "Pervert-senin can go to hell if he doesn't like it!"

"Are you seriously going through with this?" Sasuke asked cautiously.

Naruto looked at him in confusion. "Of course. I need clothes."

"Not that you idiot," Sasuke said with a sigh.

"Then what?"

"Forget it. Come on."

"Wha – ?" But Sasuke didn't wait for Naruto to finish and grabbed the flailing arms.

"Don't worry Naruto-kun, I'll make you an ultra good suit!" Maito-san exclaimed doing the 'nice-guy' pose.

Naruto found himself entranced until Sasuke yanked him out of the place. "What about Lee?"

"What about Lee?" Sasuke asked distractedly, dodging several people while marching down the street.

"We can't just leave him there with humongo-brows!"

"Humongo-brows?"

"Yeah! Whatchamawhozit-san! Those eyebrows are evil!" Naruto waved his arms about, ignoring Sasuke's you-are-out-of-your-mind look, "They perform some jutsu that entrances you!"

"I don't ever want to see you drunk, Naruto," and Sasuke meant every word. If over grown, out of control eyebrows could make Naruto like this, what would alcohol do?

"What?! Argh! I swear if he had normal eyebrows, he wouldn't have customers. They draw you in, and just when you thought you would get your clothes – BAM – they strike!"

At this point, Sasuke wasn't sure whether Naruto was talking about the eyebrows or some clever carnivorous plant. However, either one didn't bode well.

"I don't want a bloody custom-made one! I just want something to wear. Now!" Naruto yanked his arm free. "Or would you rather I frolic around in my skin?"

Sasuke was about to answer – honestly he was – but images flooded his mind before he could open his mouth. It wouldn't be such a bad idea, would it?

"You're actually thinking about this?!" Naruto managed to choke out, cheeks flaming.

"No!" Sasuke glared and turned his head to the side, trying to hide the pink tingeing his cheeks.

"I can't believe this!" Naruto crowed. "Uchiha, frickin', Sasuke wants to see me, me of all people, naked!"

To say that he wasn't surprised by the exclamation was a lie. He had expected Naruto to yell, scream, and promise bodily harm because he was being a pervert, but he hadn't counted on this. To make matters worse several dozen heads regarded them curiously. Growling, he grabbed a fistful of Naruto's top.

"Shut up!" he hissed.

"Admit it Uchiha, you want to see me naked!" Naruto singsonged, completely ignoring Sasuke's words.

He twitched and shook his blabbing soon-to-be-dead friend, but that didn't seem to deter Naruto. On the contrary it seemed to cause the "you want to see me nude!" exclamations to become louder and more shrill. More heads turned. Face already red, he fisted the black top and fled the gathering group of observers. He hoped Naruto would _accidentally_ swallow his tongue and suffocate.

"Shut the fuck up! We'll get your bloody clothes! Just shut up!"

"Oh but that still doesn't clear up one itty-bitty fact." Naruto tapped the side of his head in thought, "Now... what was it?"

Sasuke gnashed his teeth together. He hated how the stupid idiot loved every single minute of this, gloating in the joy of irking him. He briefly entertained the thought of just throwing Naruto over his shoulder and carrying the blonde like a sack of potatoes into the market, but he quickly pushed that idea aside. It would look even worse than what Naruto was doing right now.

"Oh I remember! You want to see me naked!" Naruto shrieked.

Sasuke stiffened and glared at anyone who dared to look at them funny. The blonde ninja managed to twist himself out of Sasuke's death grip and smoothed a hand over his abused neck. He straightened and stared at the taller boy, wicked amusement dancing in his eyes.

"You know, Sasuke..." Naruto's voice was a sultry whisper.

Don't look! Don't you dare look! Sasuke's mind raged. But his head was already lifting. He had to make sure the fine line between reality and dream hadn't merged. His breath hitched. Naruto peered up at him through sooty lashes; Sasuke's stomach plummeted off a forty-storey building.

"All you have to do is ask..." One of the straps 'accidentally' slipped off a pale shoulder.

Blood gushed up his face. Sasuke did nothing but stare in disbelief as Naruto choked on his own laughter, walking towards the market.

—

With a deft sway of his hips, he bumped the front door shut and dropped the various shopping bags, along with a package that was left at his doorstep, onto the table. It had been a good day, overlooking the little incident at Humongo-brow's store, and he had managed to buy enough clothes and instant ramen to last for several months. He grinned in glee, sauntered into his kitchen, and boiled some water. Ramen sounded very good right now. Grabbing one of the older cup ramens from the cupboard, he opened it and dumped steaming water in as soon as the kettle started whistling.

Three minutes past with much anticipation. And now that the wait was over, he ripped the paper top off and breathed in the good, healthy aroma of ramen (never mind that it was a month past its expiration date). He purred and dug in. After a day of looking for clothes, carrying said clothes, and fighting off Humongo-brows' evil jutsus, ramen was a fine reward. He should have gone to Ichiraku, but he needed to go easy on his wallet after this spending spree. He took another absent slurp and looked thoughtfully at the array of clothing. There were a variety of coloured T-shirts and shirts, some even had his trademark spiral while others lay there looking dull and tame. Along with the spiral he had wanted a toad (one that resembled Gamabunta), but the stalls only had frogs and the piddly little things would have offended the boss; he didn't want to be trampled underfoot by a giant toad because of such a stupid thing. He continued to chomp down the noodles and disregarded the standard loose black slacks and mesh tops. Within the pile of clothes he uncovered a khaki-coloured denim jacket, nodded at it in approval, dumped it aside and fished out what he considered the best buy of the day. He would have hugged the orange three-quarter cargos close to his chest if he wasn't already hugging the cup ramen. He had missed his orange outfit and he still hated the old pervert for making him burn it. He sighed mournfully, but immediately perked up. Pervert or no pervert, no one was going to stop Uzumaki Naruto from wearing orange!

Smiling happily, he slurped up the remaining mouthfuls of ramen and drank the broth. His stomach satisfied and sated, he put the cup down and absently tapped the last package on the table with his chopsticks. Someone must have dropped it off while he was gone. But who...? Sasuke had left in a huff after his little display, so it couldn't be him. None of the others knew he was back yet, which eliminated the 'welcome back' present idea. So who could it be from? The pervert? Kakashi-sensei? Or Iruka-sensei? He had picked up his keys the other day; maybe he had left something else behind and Iruka-sensei decided to return it? It was a reasonable assumption but something told him that wasn't it.

He tapped his chin with his chopsticks and eyed the package. What could it be? Opening it wouldn't necessarily mean he was going to get bitten in the ass. What are you afraid of, Uzumaki? Certainly not a little package! He dropped the chopsticks and ripped it open. The corners of his lips lifted into a vulpine smile, never once noticing the small note drifting to the ground.

* * *

  
Author's note: all right.... that's it for now. And one question before I go... is it just me, or is the hee-ness (funniness in normal speech) rapidly draining away from this fic? Okie... I know I haven't replied to any reviews in the previous chapters... 'cos that's just how lazy I've become... but some of these are just too hee to not reply to. 

Tracy-kin: how did I get this idea? Haha... should I say don't ask? Or would saying 'I'm a perverted person by nature... it comes naturally to me' sound better? No... makes me sound like watching porn is one of my hobbies... which, by the way, is not true. I'd be killed before I get anywhere near that stuff...

Haruya: okie... your question was rhetorical... -grins- but doesn't stop me from answering. I'm dumb, yes. Shaq stop smirking! Sasuke's getting into these horrendous situations because he has angered the fangirls... well... me and Shaq... and I'm sure there are plenty out there too. He beat the crap out of Naruto (I'm sorry if this spoilt it for people who haven't read that far into the manga), and left the poor boy! Outrage I tell you!!! Now he's paying the price!!! MWHAHAHAHA!!! Who said fangirls had no power!


	5. Carrots

Disclaimer: same as previous.

All right, this was going to come out after I get back... but after reading Fool0's 'subtle' threat, I thought meh. -shrugs- That and the fact that she read my bio pleased me immensely. Someone actually goes in there!

**News on when the next update will be:** I won't be able to access my comp and files for a month starting from tomorrow... and uni starts nearly straight after I get back. So the next update would most probably be whenever I have time.

But enough of that. Here is chapter... five, I think. -scratches head- I don't actually keep track. But... um... Another diabolical chapter of Sasuke torture! -cheers- I am very glad you guys like this. I thought I'd have hordes of angry Sasuke fangirls on my tail... Though, I'm sure anyone would enjoy this kind of torture. What with having a scantily clad Naruto being waved into your face. Heck, I'd love to sit through one of those sessions. -grins- Hm...

Shaq: Hee. Bet Sasuke does too, that pervert-in-training.

But yes. Thank you so very much for the lovely reviews. Makes me enjoy it that much more when I start plotting and scheming for the coming chapters. MWHAHAHA!! Sasuke, beware... -cackles-

Rainbow-coloured aerobics socks for everyone!!

And many thanks to Shaq for beta-ing. I owe you many hugs and kisses and glomps.

* * *

**Carrots**

"Oi, brat!"

His frown deepened and his eyebrow twitched. He refused to answer. He was not a brat – never had been and never would be – and anyone who referred to him as one could go to hell.

"Brat!"

Jiraiya included.

Sasuke tightened his arms around his chest. He dug his feet into the dirt ground, sank as far back as possible into the tree he was leaning against and closed his eyes. Happy thoughts... happy, happy thoughts...

"Brat."

His eyes opened and narrowed when he found the senin's piercing gaze trying to burn holes into his forehead. The corners of Sasuke's lips dipped ever so slightly. It was going to be another pick-on-Sasuke day, and he was sure as hell not going to let them get free shots, not like last time. He straightened, squared his shoulders and stepped into the battle field. Very much like a gallant knight, or a very stubborn child. And being stubborn was something Sasuke was very good at.

"What?" Sasuke grumbled, tilting his head to the side in boredom.

"Where's Naruto?" Jiraiya cocked his head to the side and blocked whatever Sasuke was staring at.

Sasuke shrugged. "You're his teacher."

The vein near Jiraiya's left temple pulsed. "Don't get – " Jiraiya's berate was interrupted by the loud rustling of leaves.

The senin whirled and Sasuke was sure he was going to say something along the lines of "brat you're late!" or "don't be so damn loud!", but the old man froze before he could utter a single word.

Sasuke's gaze followed Jiraiya's and his face went slack with shock. There, perched gleefully on the branch was a giant carrot, with a thatch of yellow hair instead of the standard leafy green, blue eyes and a manic grin. His brain gave a startled lurch and began rebooting.

Across from them, perched on another tree, Kakashi wasn't faring much better. He was having trouble keeping himself upright on the branch. It wasn't so much as the shock, but the overwhelming amount of orange. Tucking Icha Icha Paradise away, he shifted to get a better footing and relaxed his tensed muscles.

"Sorry I'm late!" Naruto apologised cheerfully, deftly landing before his teacher.

Noting the fine tremors running through the old pervert's body, Sasuke smirked and chuckled inwardly. He quickly composed himself, keeping every facial muscle in tight control, and glanced at Naruto. It seemed the idiot went back to the store to get his leotard.

And by the looks of it, it's custom-made, his mind remarked.

He stared for a little longer and nodded minutely to confirm the thought. He wondered whether there was anything underneath the skin-tight material, and he had to forcibly wrench his mind out of the gutter to stop the torrent of 'distracting' thoughts.

"Wha – what in the seven hells are you wearing?!" Jiraiya sputtered, tiny flecks of spittle flying in all directions.

Bringing a hand up, Naruto shielded himself and grimaced as he wiped it on his newly acquired suit. "Stop spitting!"

"I can spit when I want! Now answer the damn question!" Jiraiya made a grab for his student, but Naruto skipped away with a mischievous grin.

Frustrated and completely appalled by the idea of having his student – _his _student – wearing something so heinous, Jiraiya gnashed his teeth together, turned and pointed at Sasuke. "You!" While he had Naruto's attention fixed on the other brat, he gathered chakra in his free hand. "I told you not to let him get that!" he continued to screech, eyes daring Sasuke to say a word about what was in his hand.

Unfazed and a little intrigued, Sasuke calmly wiped the excess moisture from his face and refolded his arms. "You can't stop an idiot from doing idiotic things," he said with a shrug.

"You take that back, Sasuke-bastard!"

"Shut up, brat!" Jiraiya swivelled around and lashed out with a fully charged rasengan.

"Shit!" The tiny maelstrom caught hold of a sleeve and ripped it clean off, nearly taking Naruto's arm with it. "Fuck! You shitty old man!" Naruto dashed away with wide eyes. "You could've killed me with that!"

Jiraiya stalked after his student. "I'm sorry," he said, voice not apologetic at all, "I was trying to remove that large orange stain. Come here, brat. It won't hurt... much."

"What the hell happened to don't-use-the-rasengan-on-team-mates?!"

"Not your team mate," Jiraiya said with a grin, "Just your teacher."

Seeing the glint in his teacher's eyes, Naruto slowly backed away, hands searching blindly for any and all weapons. "Fuck," he cursed silently. His weapons were still in his old clothes. Damn it! "Uh... can't we be reasonable about this? I'll go change!"

"Too late for that. Either take it off so I can render it into a billion pieces, or I'll run you through with this." Jiraiya held up another rasengan.

Like that leaves me much choice, Naruto thought wryly, gulped and turned to Kakashi for help. The jounin whistled amiably and hid his face within the pages of Icha Icha Paradise. Where was help when he needed it?

"So what'll it be, brat?"

He gnawed on his lip, and thought his options over. He could fight, but his chances against his psychotic teacher were slim. Normally, it would have been a simple task, but when the pervert had that glint in his eye, running for the hills wasn't such a bad thing. However, they were too close and he was sure the old man could catch up to him easily.

Naruto took several steps back as Jiraiya slowly advanced. He glanced around and hated himself for having to resort to this.

"Sasuke!!!" he squawked, throat restricting as his damaged pride tried to strangle him. He stomped it down with fierce kicks. This is for survival!! he raged. Survival!!! "Help me!!"

And yet, there was a niggling at the back of his mind that told him otherwise.

Said Uchiha just shrugged nonchalantly and looked off into the sky. He didn't want to get involved in this moronic argument, especially when the rasengan was going to tear Naruto apart whether he helped or not.

"I'll – I'll," Naruto wracked his mind for something, "I won't be annoying any more!" No response. "I'll admit you're stronger than me!" A twitch. "I'll... I'll let you see me nude!" Naruto slurred, hating the pink staining his cheeks and everything else in the world. He crossed his fingers and toes and hoped that was enough to convince Sasuke.

Everything ceased to move and Sasuke turned a brilliant shade of red. The two older men smothered their smiles and muttered, "He's already seen everything," in inaudible voices. Then, as if by some unspoken agreement, everything was back in motion: Kakashi peered over the top of his book, Sasuke was cursing everything and refused to answer Naruto's pleas for help, and Jiraiya rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

The senin winked at the still fuming Uchiha and chased Naruto out of the training grounds and into the forest. The sound of trees hitting the ground wasn't enough to drown out Naruto's shrieks.

---

Two hours passed with relative peace and quiet. Sasuke had managed to push the little outburst aside, ignore a madly grinning Kakashi, and train a little on top of everything else. He would have preferred sparring, but considering the absence of Naruto it seemed a little pointless. Asking Kakashi had been a mistake. The stupid, lecherous man was having too much fun cracking up in his face every few minutes.

He heaved a sigh and finished what he was doing. There was still no sign of the moron and his teacher, and the sound of falling trees had stopped half an hour ago. So shouldn't they be getting back?

"Don't look so worried, Sasuke," Kakashi muffled from behind his book. "Naruto isn't really the type to die so easily."

Sasuke snorted. That was true, but the part about him being worried wasn't. Why should he worry about the dunce?

"If it makes you feel better," Kakashi continued, putting away his book and hopping off the branch, "We could go check on them."

Not bothering to reply, Sasuke started to head for home when Kakashi _helpfully _steered him in the opposite direction. He scowled. He didn't care about what happened to Naruto. Let Jiraiya kill him. He didn't care! Seeing Naruto naked didn't warrant that he cared! What the hell was wrong with these people?! Why was he so annoyed?

"Of course, if you don't want to, you could accompany your sensei on a little walk, hm?" Something lurked in Kakashi's one visible eye, but Sasuke decided that he didn't want to know. He gave a non-committal grunt and the two of them headed down the path of the fallen trees.

It didn't take long for the questions to come out. "So..." Kakashi started. "What is this I hear about you wanting to see Naruto naked?" It was all said so casually that Sasuke was sure anyone could've missed it if they weren't paying attention.

Sasuke tensed, kicked a fallen tree limb and carried on walking. "Who said?" he muttered, voice barely audible.

"No one," Kakashi replied. "But I assumed – "

"You assumed wrong."

"Oh?" Kakashi absently scratched the side of his head, a grin painted clearly behind his mask.

Without another word Sasuke marched past his amused teacher and headed to the end of the path.

---

When Sasuke finally found them, he had to blink several times to believe what he was seeing. In a small clearing, Jiraiya was holding what looked to be a not-so-intact part of Naruto's leotard, and Naruto was hiding behind a bush, yelling endless threats and other obscenities like there was no tomorrow. Despite Naruto's efforts at trying to save the last of his leotard, Jiraiya paid no attention. The senin gave a little maddening laugh and brought a newly formed rasengan towards the cloth.

"Don't you dare, pervert-senin!" Naruto screeched, watching the miniature whirlwind snag the ragged fingers of latex and began the painful stretching. "I'll kill you!"

"I'd like to see you try," Jiraiya muttered distractedly.

The fabric pulled. Stopped. Gave a shuddering lurch and tore. It fluttered to the ground and joined the small gathering of orange confetti at Jiraiya's feet. Naruto wailed.

"You bastard! What am I going to wear?!"

And we're back to the age old question of what Naruto's going to wear, Sasuke thought wryly. He removed his gaze from Jiraiya's feet, and surveyed the situation. Judging from the ruffled looks the two sported, it seemed there was fighting amidst the running, screaming and tree cutting. He shook his head in disdain. They were definitely not people he associated with.

"Like you could've worn that thing," Jiraiya scoffed.

"That's not the point!" Naruto waved an accusing finger over the top of the chest-high bush.

"Whatever you say, brat. All right, training's over for the day. I'm going to find Tsunade." Dusting his hands, Jiraiya turned away from his very confused student.

"Wha – ? W – wait a minute! _That_ was training? That was _not_ training!!"

Jiraiya continued on his merry way as if Naruto hadn't made a sound at all. He only paused to clap a jovial hand on Sasuke's shoulder and after casting a wide toothy grin, he walked off with an extra bounce in his step and a catchy tune whistling out of his lips.

It was, to say the least, disturbing to see the toad senin swing from one emotional extreme to another. It was even worse to have the very same senin grin at him afterwards. Every alarm was going off within Sasuke's mind and all his senses were on full alert. He wasn't sure what had just transpired, but if some strange, pervert nature-inducing attack was coming, he was ready!

"Did I miss anything?" Kakashi asked, plopping his chin on Sasuke's shoulder. The boy in turn growled low in his throat and violently shoved his teacher away.

Sasuke put a good two metres between them, crossed his arms and glared at the jounin.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto howled, all dignity and pride having been kicked out the door. All he wanted now, was to be in his apartment with clothes _on_! Damn breeze.

Cracking a smile, Kakashi planted a casual hand on his hip. "Naruto, I was only joking about you being an exhibitionist. You didn't have to go through all this to prove it to me."

He really shouldn't have said that, but it was so much fun watching the boy turn a few dozen shades of red. He would've said more, but something from behind Naruto caught his attention. His smile widened.

"Shit, Naruto! Put some bloody clothes on!" An indignant bark followed.

Sasuke's eyes widened and watched all the blood drained out of Naruto's face. How did they get here? More importantly, shouldn't they be behind him instead of Naruto?

"No! Don't – " Shikamaru never got to finish.

Naruto whipped around and wished the gods would have pity and strike him down with thunder. Or with a rock, he wasn't picky.

"... turn around," Shikamaru ended weakly, eyes shut against the full frontal view. Beside him, Kiba and Akamaru had done the same, but unfortunately for Chouji, he was a second too slow. The bag of chips fell to the ground as numb shock settled over its owner's mind.

Squawking, Naruto sprang out of the bush, not caring that he was also flashing Kakashi and Sasuke in his panic-mode. He dived behind another bush (this one only thigh-high) away from everyone.

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING SNEAKING UP ON A NAKED GUY?!" Naruto roared, heated embarrassment colouring his voice, as the top of his head bobbed angrily through his leafy cover.

"Shut up, you! Your frickin' teacher told us to walk around!" Kiba squalled, one eye peeking open to see if it was safe to look.

"WHAT?!?!" Forgetting himself, Naruto shot out and cracked his knuckles. "I'll fucking smash his face in!"

Oh the pervert was going to get it. Killing his clothes was one thing, but this, this was way too far! He fucking flashed everyone! Sasuke included, he mentally added. Oddly enough, glee bubbled up his stomach at the thought. His joy was short lived when everyone (minus Kakashi, who was busy searching for a camera) screamed bloody murder.

"Shit!" He immediately crouched back down.

Awkward silence settled, and no one knew how to break it. Except, maybe, Kakashi (he was, after all, the oldest and most experienced), but the man was enjoying this too much to care. If having Naruto around ensured this much excitement, then he hoped the blonde wasn't planning on skipping out of Konoha any time soon. God knew it would be boring with just him and Sasuke.

Refusing to utter a word, Sasuke hung back and tried to force the blood away from his face. Once he had his circulation relatively under control, he glanced around.

Kiba was smoothing a hand over Akamaru's fur. No doubt trying to calm and comfort the whining dog from the traumatising experience. Chouji was still too shell shocked to register anything. And Shikamaru looked to be thinking something over with knitted brows and the characteristic downward tug of lips.

Whatever the strategist was thinking, Sasuke hoped it would somehow get them out of here and magically clothe Naruto.

"So why exactly are you the way you are, Naruto?" Shikamaru asked, trying to sound casual.

"The bastard destroyed my clothes!" A hand shot out and pointed at the neglected pile of material.

Shikamaru squinted at the pathetic mound and snorted. "Gees... you really did go shopping with Lee. Me and Chouji thought we were seeing things."

The laughter bursting out of Kiba's mouth made Naruto scowl. "For your information that was a present," the blonde snapped.

"Who would want that as a present?" Kiba sniggered. "And Naruto, you ever heard of a thing called underwear?"

"Yes, dog breath. I have!" Naruto sneered. "I didn't wear any because it shows under that thing."

The others paled.

"We haven't asked Lee yet have we, Shikamaru?" Kiba asked urgently, eyes a little too wide and bulging from their sockets.

"Unfortunately yes," Shikamaru breathed, wanting nothing more than to forget this conversation ever took place.

Somewhere from Sasuke's right, Kakashi shuddered. He was going to stay far, far away from Gai.

"Right," Kiba declared, wanting to get out of there. "Naruto, you're coming to your welcome back party tomorrow night! Done! Let's go. I need a shower." He scratched at his arms to emphasise his point.

Shikamaru nodded hastily. "We'll meet outside of the Academy at eight and go from there." He turned and started to drag Chouji away when he remembered something else. "Oh, Sasuke you're invited as well."

"Hn." Sasuke nodded imperceptibly.

"Wait you bastards!! What about me?!"

* * *

**A question for the dear readers (READ! Or be sporked!)**: I would really appreciate it if you guys could tell me whether there's too much of naked Naruto prancing around the place. Okay... it sounds like a stupid question to ask, and some of you are probably going 'How can there be too much naked Naruto-ness?!'. But I'm getting slightly skittish with the whole thing... maybe I'm over doing the Naruto-running-around-naked thing. Just a little. -grins- So if you guys could give me an honest opinion, I'd be very happy.

Darkened Fire-Tears of a Kitsune: Ah... yes... Sasuke is being a bastard... We should all band together and beat the crap out of him. Or stuff him in one of Maito-san's leotards. Fluorescent pink anyone? FANGIRL POWER!!! -cough- Yes. Thank you for reviewing. It is a great thing when people say the fic is fun and they enjoy it. Thanks!

Tracy-kin: Too much? There's no such thing when it comes to dealing with Sasuke. -smirk- Ah... then I must learn how to disguise my perverted-ness. Though it would be quite a hard goal to accomplish. Haha... Gai's father... just popped up. But now that I think about it... that old guy with the ridiculous beard and eyebrows from Kill Bill 2 could pose as Gai's father if they ever decide to make a Naruto movie with real life actors. Hm... works quite well actually. The guy's good at martial arts... so we'll get the genes for the eyebrows and for fighting. Never thought about that before.

Haruya: You can join me and Darkened Fire-Tears of a Kitsune on our little quest... Sasuke's never going to anger another fangirl ever again after we're through with him. MWHAHAHAHA!!! Feels like we're on a mission for world domination. -sweatdrops-

Jiro: I will indeed look into the matter of Naruto plus alcohol! -salutes- Do not worry. I shall make you proud. Hee... sorry... in a funny mood. Oh no! Please continue to nitpick! All nitpicking and anything along those lines are welcome! Thanks!

Mercedes no Inuarai: Haha... so I'm guessing you'll be joining the quest too. Gees... Sasuke does have many enemies. Hee... Naruto in spandex is only the beginning of Sasuke's torture... Though I do agree. Naruto has no fashion sense... He was so thrilled when Gai gave him the leotard in the manga. I'm surprised he's not wearing something with multi-coloured polka dots. -shudders-

RabidFangirl101: Um... I'm very sorry for inducing nightmares? Eh... I'm guessing a pack of fake eyebrows won't make things better. Hm... all I can suggest is... think of Gaara instead of the eyebrows. The boy's lack of eyebrows should be soothing in some ways... Never mind that he's unstable.

Fool0: Oh gees... that is bad. Hope you didn't have to start your essay from scratch. -winces- If it had been me, I would have been swearing and threatening my comp with a stick. Not that it would listen to me in the first place. Technology, for all its convenience and splendour, is a pain in the ass. Shaq's probably glaring daggers at me now.


	6. Ring A Ring O Roses

Disclaimer: don't own Naruto or any of the characters.

Many, many thanks to frolickingllama and ohmylord, for pointing out the most important aspect of this fic to me. Though... I had written this chapter before you guys started to give me answers to the question I asked. So I swear the nakedness would be toned down... or non-existent in the next chapter... or Sasuke's the one who's finally showing some skin.

With that said... many thanks for the replies to the question. Most interesting. And gods... it feels like I haven't done this in a while... -sweatdrops-

* * *

**Ring-A-Ring O'Roses**

This was ridiculous. Completely and utterly absurd! He had thought the worse was over; that getting flashed by Naruto would be the pinnacle of this mortifying ordeal. But how very wrong he was. How very, very wrong.

After much screaming and yelling, the unfortunate band of five, (Naruto excluded), found themselves forced into becoming human screens. They had reluctantly formed a tight ring around Naruto and were now in the middle of transporting said blonde home; it was a task easier said than done. The busy streets of Konoha were filled with people on their lunch breaks, and the chances of a neatly packed group of six cutting through the crowd unnoticed were nil.

Sasuke released a long suffering sigh and willed the incessant itch between his shoulder blades away. Why couldn't the people just mind their own business? And as if his frayed nerves weren't already threatening to snap, the crisp sound of a page turning made him wish he could fry Naruto and Kakashi with a chidori. The thought was tempting and it took him several seconds to stop his fingers from twitching in anticipation.

It was somewhat satisfying and reassuring to know that his self-control wasn't completely murdered by Naruto's relentless bludgeoning. The small trickle of blood he had sniffed back before he could be labelled a 'nose bleeder' (as Naruto had so eloquently termed it all those years ago) was a minor detail that could be overlooked. No one saw, thus it never happened. Overall, it was definitely a good start in rebuilding his crumbled self-control. The road to recovery was looking bright, and soon, pervert-hood would be nothing more than a bad dream.

"Why the fuck are we doing this!" Kiba demanded, his unhappy expression was matched perfectly by Akamaru's menacing snarl. The two would have made a threatening pair if there wasn't a blindfold covering the small dog's sharp eyes. Upon Kiba's insistence that his 'beloved' Akamaru not set eyes on something so unwholesome, Chouji had kindly produced another handkerchief (the boy already had one covering his own eyes and Shikamaru was leading him around like a blind man) was quickly turned into a blindfold to keep Akamaru's virgin eyes safe. "Why can't we get Kakashi-san to do that disappearing jutsu and save us all from this humiliation!"

"You think I like walking around like this!" Naruto grabbed a handful of Kiba's jacket and shook the boy. His teeth came into full view when Shikamaru offered a bored "yes," and he shook Kiba some more. "I _have_ asked, you asshole! Kakashi-sensei's being an ass and refused!"

Glancing down briefly, Sasuke couldn't help the small uplift of lips at the sight. Bound tightly around Naruto's bony hips was a makeshift skirt made by tying the sleeves of the tops Shikamaru and Kiba had reluctantly sacrificed. He smirked. He had been sure Naruto would have targeted Chouji if the boy wasn't still frozen from shock. So it was down to the other two (he still wasn't sure why Naruto hadn't picked Kakashi or himself, but it was something Sasuke was grateful for), and neither Shikamaru nor Kiba had a say in the matter. It was either give up their tops or have a fully naked blonde pounce on them with the intent to strip one of them of their pants. So, the two were wise enough to choose the former. Hence, Naruto's 'skirt' came into creation though needless to say, if he had called the makeshift 'cloth' a 'skirt' (as it truly was in Sasuke's vast experience), Naruto would immediately tried to punch his lights out.

And now that Sasuke thought about it, it didn't sound like such a bad idea... Naruto naked... on top of him... trying to get his pants off... Not a bad idea at all. Of course, he wasn't about to admit that to anyone in particular (or himself for that matter). And he did _not_ just think those unholy thoughts! Of course not!

"Well why the hell can't you just walk home _alone_ like a normal person? You're bloody covered now!" Kiba shot back, prying Naruto's hand off his jacket.

"I can't bloody walk around like this!" Naruto screeched and gestured to his not-skirt.

"Fuck if I care!" Pissed that he had lost a perfectly good shirt for the sake of covering a completely ungrateful idiot, Kiba roughly pulled his hand out of his jacket pocket and made a swipe at the blonde. Naruto leapt back slightly in alarm.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!"

"If you don't bloody let us _all_ go, I'm fucking taking my shirt back!"

"What!" Naruto barely had time to wobble away from Kiba's angry swipes. Dog breath was insane!

"You heard me, Uzumaki. Let us go or I'm getting my shirt back!" Issuing another vicious swipe, Kiba managed to snag the end of the material and yanked.

Not wanting to go through the horrible ordeal again, Naruto grabbed the other end of the top and tugged back. "Let go," he growled, not caring that they were probably going to end up tearing it to pieces.

"No."

Sasuke watched the strange tug-of-war with a lifted brow. "For god's sake," he hissed to his teacher, "Just get the moron home and we wouldn't have to go through this!"

An intrigued expression flitted across Kakashi's face and Sasuke chose to ignore it with a roll of his eyes. It wasn't often he offered to help Naruto, but this had gone on for long enough, and Sasuke was sick of this never ending day. To Sasuke's chagrin, the only reply he received was the sound of a page turning and nothing else.

Cloth ripped.

"You bastard! Look what you did to my shirt!"

The look of utter rage on Kiba's face and the angry snapping of Akamaru's teeth was the first thing Sasuke saw as he turned away from his teacher. Trying to get a better look at the expression on his dumbass of a friend, Sasuke edged closer and was surprised. Bright, unadulterated fury painted Naruto's features, but what had caught Sasuke off guard was the almost smug grin the blonde wore. What was the idiot so happy about? Surely not about having his skirt ripped.

"Well," Naruto said haughtily. "You got your shirt back, Inuzuka. Now be a good boy and stay!"

Kiba let loose a string of colourful words and phrases, and was barely restrained by an exasperated Shikamaru. Chouji stood close by, completely oblivious to what was going on. The blindfold was certainly working, and Sasuke wondered if the boy had a spare handkerchief he could borrow.

It took both Shikamaru and a very confused Chouji (who was still blind to the world and only did what Shikamaru told him to do) to drag a cursing and kicking Kiba, and very slowly, the small group began their laborious journey through the crowds again. Ten full minutes passed before Kiba was deemed calm enough for Shikamaru and Chouji to let go.

By this time Sasuke had lost interest and was faced with either having a non-stop staring contest with the gathered crowd or with the back of Naruto's head. And damn it, neither choice looked very interesting.

Naruto's head or people... head... people... head... peo – fangirls? Shit!

Quickly whipping his head away, he fixed his gaze firmly on the back of Naruto's head and refused to look elsewhere. Why the hell were _they_ here! He scowled.

From the front Naruto planted his hands on his hips and Sasuke's gaze immediately followed the action. It was completely and utterly out of reflex that his eyes automatically followed the motion, Sasuke assured himself, it had nothing to do with needing an excuse to gawk at the smooth, flawless back. Whatever the reason, he watched with rapt attention as tanned fingers moved to grasp the fabric and pulled it closer to Naruto's front.

Sasuke's eyeballs almost fell out of their sockets when the cleft bisecting the firm, round (he could only assume they were; he hadn't exactly checked for himself) rump peeked out from behind the folds of material pooled around the small of Naruto's back. Heat rushed full speed past his neck and invaded his face.

There was a panicked 'eep' and the same hands desperately grabbed at the slipping shirt.

"Stop looking at my ass, pervert-Sasuke!" The knots holding the not-skirt up was cinched securely once more around Naruto's waist and the disappointment weighing down his chest made Sasuke want to strangle the idiot more.

Forcefully removing his gaze and refusing to look Naruto in the eye, Sasuke glared defiantly at the suggestive glances Kakashi was sending his way and he refused to even look at the oddly curious stares from Kiba and Shikamaru. Say a word and die, he thought venomously, tightening his clenched fists that much more. Utter a bloody sound and face the chidori.

"Oh shit!" Kiba hissed.

Sasuke was ready to fling a good sized fireball at Kiba's head for opening his mouth, but changed his mind when he caught sight of what Kiba was cursing at. Genma and Kotetsu were making slow progress against the flow of people and heading straight for the small group. Sasuke frowned. Shit indeed.

As if on cue, Naruto immediately halted and the whole group came to a standstill. Hunching forward, the blonde clutched at Kiba's shoulders and huddled behind the other's slightly taller form.

"Fuck!" Kiba muttered, twisting around to bat at the hands digging into his jacket. "Get your paws off me, Uzumaki!"

Instead of spitting out an angry retort, Naruto was already too busy cursing a certain Hokage to notice Kiba's discomfort.

"Stupid old hag! Why the fuck did she send them!"

A long string of obscenities tumbled out of Naruto mouth and while the teen was furiously glaring at the incoming jounins, Kiba managed to successfully dislodge the skinny fingers. Before Naruto could sink his wickedly pointy digits back into his shoulders, Kiba nodded to Shikamaru, who quickly grabbed Chouji.

"Good luck." Shikamaru saluted gravely, and the three bolted.

To be truthful, Shikamaru did feel a twinge of guilt for leaving Sasuke and Kakashi behind. As much as he disliked Sasuke sometimes, no one deserved that kind of punishment, but he didn't wish this kind of torture on himself either.

"TRAITORS!" Naruto shrieked, quickly slinging an arm around Kakashi's neck and grabbing a handful of Sasuke's top.

The two had been a split second too slow in their escape and the urge to lob several fireballs at Kiba resurfaced. Sasuke growled and tugged uselessly against Naruto's vice-like grip.

On the other side of the blonde, Kakashi's amused expression increased several notches. Sasuke's hands began to itch. The grey-haired jounin looked far too happy with Naruto half hanging off of him, and just when did Kakashi wrap an arm around the Naruto's waist? Red began to colour the edge of his vision. If he had been more coherent, he was sure he could find a perfectly logical explanation as to why he wanted to chop off his teacher's hand.

"I swear I'll kill them. I'll kill them all!"

"There, there, Naruto," Kakashi patted his ex-student's shoulder while his other had stroked down tanned skin in a soothing manner.

Sasuke gritted his teeth and resisted the overwhelming need to rip those hands off and shove them into a blender. The lecherous pervert tightened his hold around the slim waist and pulled the still raving Naruto closer to himself. When Kakashi winked at him over the shorter blonde's head, Sasuke was surprised his teeth didn't snap from his gnashing. He was going to beat the shit out of his teacher; never mind that Kakashi was only doing this to rile him up. He was going to enjoy every damn second of it.

"I'm sure they're very sorry for what they did," Kakashi consoled, still smoothing a hand down Naruto's back.

The man had a death wish. However, the evil flicker dancing across the jounin's eye sent warning flares off in Sasuke's mind. Cold sweat licked down his back. Not a good sign... not a good sign at all.

"In any case," Kakashi continued in his usual drawl, "You take care of yourself, Naruto!"

"What –?" Naruto never got another word out before Kakashi disappeared in a whirl of wind and leaves.

His muscles tightened and Sasuke was ready to follow suit when his top cut painfully into his neck. It seemed Naruto wasn't going to let him leave that easily. He gave an experimental tug and received a full-fledged pull. He growled.

"Let go, stupid!"

"No! If I'm going to be caught, someone's coming with me!"

"Let. Go."

"No!"

Sasuke was about to open his mouth and tell Naruto to let go or risk losing a hand, when another voice cut in.

"New look, Naruto?" Genma asked with a cocked brow.

The snarl barely left Naruto's lips when the blonde launched himself at the jounin. At least that was what Naruto was trying to do before Sasuke looped an arm around the boy's torso and plucked him out of the air.

"Let go!" Naruto struggled uselessly against his hold.

His arms tightened automatically when Naruto began kicking and he almost wanted to chop his own arms off when they pulled the youth flushed against himself. Right, chop Kakashi's arms off first for touching Naruto before severing his own.

Genma cast him a grateful glance. He smothered the urge to snort. It wasn't like he wanted to grab the idiot. His arms, like most of his body, refused to listen to his command when it came to a certain blonde loud-mouth.

"As much as I like standing out here, Naruto," Genma drawled, the ever present toothpick bobbing precariously between his teeth, "Hokage-sama would like to have a word."

It was like someone had flipped a switch, or pulled the plug for that matter, because Naruto immediately stilled and the whites of his eyes threatened to swallow the pinpricks of blue. Then, without any warning, Naruto turned in the circle of Sasuke's arms and began clawing and scrabbling at the Uchiha's chest.

"NO! I'm not going to see the old hag! She can't blame me for this!"

Arms flailed, and Sasuke was once again balancing on the balls of his feet before the crowds of people disappeared behind a whirlwind of leaves.

---

The first thing he noticed when his feet touched a solid wooden floor was not, much to Sasuke's chagrin, the immediate disappearance of the two jounin. No, instead it was the sulking blonde that caught his attention.

Naruto had his back turned to the world and was muttering curses and threats into Sasuke's chest. It was oddly entertaining and disturbing. Looking up from soft spikes, Sasuke found Tsunade's keen eyes meeting his over the wall of paperwork the Hokage had built around her desk. Rouged lips quirked up knowingly.

Blood crept up to the tips of his ears. He was against someone far more dangerous, and Sasuke suspected, even more ruthless than Kakashi and Jiraiya combined. He quickly loosened his arms and let them fall to his side. Unfortunately, the damage was done and the sly smile widened.

"Here I thought the rumours were the result of some prank Konohamaru pulled in your honour, brat," Tsunade did naught to keep the amusement from colouring her words, "You just had to prove me wrong."

"Shut up, Tsunade-baba," Naruto muttered, turning to glare at the woman behind the stacks of paper. "It's the pervert-senin's fault I'm like this," he huffed.

"So Kakashi wasn't lying either when he gave me his report?"

"Kakashi-sensei – !" Naruto sputtered.

"He gave you a report?" Sasuke couldn't keep the words from tumbling out of his mouth. The bastard!

Tsunade nodded amiably while she stood and moved around her desk to perch lazily on the edge of the wooden surface. "Of course he did. I asked him to keep an eye on you two."

"What!" The two teens bellowed simultaneously, though Sasuke would tell anyone who asked that he did not shout but merely raised his voice a fraction. Nevertheless, the two boys stared bug-eyed at the Hokage and Sasuke had to hastily grab Naruto around the waist again to prevent his team mate from attacking said woman. He was sure Tsunade was perfectly capable of defending herself, but he didn't want to have to deal with the aftermath if Naruto was allowed to run around in a rampage.

"Why in god's name did you do that, Tsunade-baba!"

"Why?" An elegant eyebrow cocked in question. "Why the hell wouldn't I? Remember last time? You two numbskulls blew a whole block to kingdom come because you wanted to prove something as stupid as whether rasengan or the chidori was more powerful. As if it wasn't enough when you tried to kill each other with the exact same techniques!"

The two boys winced and Naruto ceased his thrashing. Maybe turning around to yell at the old hag wasn't such a good idea, especially when those piercing eyes were trying to burn holes into his head.

"What did he say?" Naruto murmured, trying to steer the conversation away from that particularly painful memory.

Tsunade didn't seem to notice; if she did, she didn't let it show. Sasuke was more than happy _not_ to dwell on it either.

"Oh, this and that," she waved her hand absently in the air.

A moment of silence settled before Naruto decided to explode again. "You shitty old hag!" Okay, forget not yelling at the hag. "What the hell do you mean 'this and that'? I'll kill that bastard if he said something stupid and then the pervert will die for getting me into this! Kakashi-sensei just had to get you to send Genma and Kotetsu!"

Her mouth opened, intending to correct the misinformed idiot that it was Jiraiya and several members of the public (nagging old bats who regarded Naruto as a threat to their children's _innocence_)who told her. It wasn't as if those little brats weren't already corrupted. However, she thought better of it and smiled indulgently. Though, she did whack him for calling her a 'shitty old hag'. Over energetic boys must be disciplined now and then.

"He – he bloody planned this! He – the scheming piece of – !" Naruto growled and yanked at his hair.

She continued to smile and regarded Uchiha Sasuke carefully. She was pleased when the boy stiffened and met her gaze solidly. The boy had guts, she'd give him that. But no matter how she looked at him, she still couldn't group him with Ebisu's lot, let alone with Jiraiya. Perhaps if she squinted. It just didn't fit. Uchiha Sasuke was many things, but pervert and peeping extraordinaire was definitely _not_ one of them. Kakashi alone couldn't have influenced the teen that much.

"Brat, stop raving like a lunatic and tell me what happened!" She cut Naruto's rant off.

"You already know everything!"

"Maybe I want to hear it from your own mouth?"

Naruto squinted in suspicion.

"Sasuke, why don't you let go of Naruto?" Sasuke paled. "I've been told you've been holding him since you two left the training grounds."

An outright lie, but it was so much fun watching the boy change colours.

In his haste to be as far away from Naruto as possible, Sasuke shoved a little too hard and the blonde went stumbling forward.

"You ass!"

She ignored the two and turned towards the door. "Genma! Can you bring in what Kakashi left behind?"

"What?" Naruto straightened, but not before giving Sasuke the finger.

"Thank Kakashi for leaving a set of clothes behind."

"Why the fuck didn't he just do that in the first place!"

Tsunade shrugged. "You go ask him in your own time."

Any protests Naruto might have had were dissolved when Genma appeared with a small bundle in his arms. Naruto never knew just how much happiness came with mere material, and he would have kissed Genma if the man hadn't backed out of the office as soon as he handed Naruto the bundle.

* * *

Author's Note: Right I was in one of those... well several of those 'should I or should I not delete this and start over' moods. At first I was going to make this a sidestory than decided I couldn't be bothered... and then considered pressing that li'l 'delete' button. And then we were back to this. So I'm very sorry for bombarding you guys with Naruto's skin. Had way, way, _way _too much fun torturing Sasuke with it. As they say... everything in moderation or some such, and I shall keep that firmly in mind. -grins- And for those of you who wants to know when they _finally_ get together... I'm not sure. I don't want to drag this out... but muse likes seeing Sasuke squirm. So if you guys start to lose interest... No idea what I'll do... maybe let it die or something. -shrugs- We'll come to that when it happens.

Haruya: I don't know why someone would want a full body leotard. Especially when you're a guy and well... -shudders- Just watching the guys on TV doing gymnastics makes me want to run away. And the no underwear thing just makes it X.x Oh god... _do_ they wear underwear? Which brings up the most inappropriate question of whether the crotch is padded or not. I'm a sick sick kitty...

Noniechan: Haha... maybe Naruto's just a bit _too_ comfy with his body. And thanks for your input. Greatly appreciated.

Jiro: Ah... I think you're quite right. There hasn't been any naked Sasuke... hm.. must take steps to fix that. -grins- It's already running around in my head, so no worries there. Although... I don't think anyone would be expecting it to happen this way.

RabidFangirl101: Yes... I'm disturbed about the leotard thing myself. I've been brooding over it and had a major discussion with Shaq about it too. And we came to the conclusion that boxers would bunch up underneath something _that _skin tight... with briefs you get panty/brief-lines and that wouldn't do... leaving G-string and commando style... and frankly... Naruto seemed like the type to just wear nothing instead of dealing with something as 'fussy' as a G-string. But you never know with Gai and Lee... there could be G-strings underneath their leotards... -shudders-

Illusions of a Fox: You changed your name... And yes... Fear the fangirl indeed!

lark lavroc: Hee... depriving Sasuke of his eye candy would render him blind. I'm sure they'll shrivel up in his sockets in protest. Yes... new leotard for you! And you'll most probably be stabbed to death if you did manage to share the leotard with Naruto. Wonder who'll get to stab you first though... Sasuke... or Jiraiya. -grins-

Momochi Zabuza: Thanks for the plushie!

Frolickingllama: Maito-san would like to thank you for helping very blind author by giving you the deluxe model of his latest batch of leotards. Enjoy the ultra comfortable and blindingly green (I hope you like green) outfit!

Praeceps: Thank you! And I agree with you... well most of it. -grins- A good reason for Naruto to be in his birthday suit is always good... but I'm sure not needing a reason for the nudity is also good. Maybe not fic-wise... Hee... Hakuna Matata indeed.

Noddu: Yeah... they are indeed taking a while... but it's so much fun keeping them apart and waving Naruto around in Sasuke's face. -grins-

melody unwinding: Hee... thank you. Very glad you enjoy this. And it's a surprise I'm not hating this. -sweatdrops- I tend to develop a hate for my fics over time.

Ohmylord: Ah... thanks for your input, and no the review was just what I needed. And no worries about something replacing the naked-ness, it's about time Sasuke wore his birthday suit. Oh yes... here's an exceptionally orange leotard straight from Maito-san's store. Enjoy!


	7. From Bad to Worse

Disclaimer: same as previous.

Alright. Been a while since I last updated, I've been busy trying to sort through life's many hassles. So... I've decided to make this an extra long chapter. And I mean _extra_ long because I managed to fit Sasuke's entire day in here. Yay for me. Hope you guys enjoy.

Many thanks to Yuugi-chan and Sweetdeily for the beta.

Note: Re-uploaded because I just got this back from another beta-reader.

* * *

**From Bad to Worse**

Hot. Slick. Wet. And oh so good...

Those were the few words he could process as he picked up the pace and rocked towards oblivion. Desperate panting filled the air and the curled form beneath him arched. Digging his nails deeper into sweat-slicked skin, he gritted his teeth and bit back a groan.

"Sas – "

The moan choked off into a high-pitched keen, rumbling its way through his lover's chest. Pounding just that much harder, he coaxed another hoarse cry out from the shuddering form and tried to draw this out for as long as possible.

But even as he forced himself to slow, and the protesting cries did nothing to help matters, he could feel oblivion reaching out and stirring the heat curled low in his belly.

"S – Sas," A hitched breath. "Sasuke," the sweet voice whined. "Faster."

His lover pushed back against him and took control of the pace before Sasuke could grasp those damn hips to stop him. This time the groan came tumbling out and he threw caution to the winds and grunted with each forceful thrust.

Skin slapped against skin and howls rippled through the air. Everything tightened around him. Pressing himself flat against the sweaty back he growled low with need and welcomed oblivion with open arms.

"Ah! Sasu – "

---

" – KE!"

The first thing his mind grasped through the fog of sleep was not the familiar voice drifting through his front door. Nor was it the fact that his duvet was smothering the life out of him. It was – and he didn't know whether to let his blanket finish the job or just roll over and submerge himself into utter denial – the soiled boxers clinging desperately to his nether regions. He did not, _did not_ just –

He stomped on the thought. Jiraiya and Kakashi were doing a fine job forcing his mind into the gutters, which just added more fuel to the roaring bonfire.

Yesterday's events flitted by. Yes... it was an evil, sinister and diabolical plan to draw him into the Pervert-hood; bringing the Hokage into this was especially dastardly. Tsunade's smile alone was going to haunt him for the rest of this month. It had also been the most humiliating moment in his life; well... next to the whole spying thing that had set all this into motion.

He plopped his head back against his pillow and purposefully ignored the stickiness.

"SASUKE!"

Gods... He did not need to deal with some eccentric neighbour who felt like hollering his name at the top of their lungs straight after his dream! Some far off part of his mind was telling him how very wrong that thought was, but he was beyond caring. Let the idiot scream all he wanted, just as long as he screamed –

"Somewhere else," he growled through clenched teeth.

"SASUKE!" The yelling was now accompanied by enthusiastic kicks to the door.

"Damn neighbours."

He hoped whoever it was knew better than to knock his front door off its hinges, not if said person wanted to keep all their limbs. On the other hand, Sasuke thought ruefully, maybe it _would_ be better if his door was knocked in...

"SASUKE-BASTARD!"

Irritation and anger itched at his sides. Dream – screaming idiot who also happened to be his dream's favourite subject. Wonderful...

It was all the more reason why he should roll over and ignore _everything_. Not needing any more encouragement, he twisted within the stifling confines of his blanket and groaned. The mess clinging to him smeared across his thighs. Despite the discomfort, he remained stubbornly in his small cocoon. He wasn't going to let such a little thing get to him. No... he could stay in here all day if he wanted to. Of course he could.

"SASUKE YOU BLOODY BASTARD! OPEN THIS DOOR NOW OR I'LL KICK IT DOWN!"

Or not... Ripping the duvet off, he balled it up and threw it across the room. Why did he have to deal with Uzumaki Naruto? What had he ever done to deserve this torture?

Not bothering to change his boxers, he marched swiftly to the door, opened it, roughly snagged Naruto's collar and yanked. Hard. He was sure Naruto was gagging by the time he had slammed his door shut, but Sasuke wasn't in a caring mood.

"Stay here. Don't touch _anything_!" Sasuke growled without once looking back at the blonde and stalked to the bathroom.

---

Like hell he was going to stand around waiting for the bastard to get his head out of his ass. If Sasuke didn't want him wandering around his apartment then he shouldn't have let him in. Naruto grinned. He cocked his head to the side. The sound of water spraying against tiled walls greeted his ears. Excellent...

He dropped the bundle he needed to return to Kakashi and tiptoed around the glass coffee table. With great skill and infinite care, he skulked down the hallway, picking up various items just because he could, and opened the only closet door in the hallway. Peering into the gloom, he rummaged around until he came to something odd. Why would Sasuke own a basket?

He grasped the handle and paused. The spray of water could still be heard. Happy that Sasuke wasn't coming out any time soon, he lifted the bundle out and placed it on the floor. His eyebrows disappeared into his hair and were never to be seen again. What the _fucking_ hell!

The canister of whipped cream was all right, though it really should be in the fridge. He picked it up and resisted the urge to spray a little in his mouth as the incident from all those years ago returned to haunt him. Right. Not a good idea; constantly rushing to the toilet was _not_ fun! He set it aside and picked up a volume of the pervert's books. He cringed. Sasuke had picked up the bad taste in books from Kakashi-sensei, but that did not explain the small mountain of er... His eyes crossed as he tried to process the thought. Shivers ran up and down his spine and he rubbed his arms to rid himself of the goosebumps. He did _not_ want to know about Sasuke's sex life.

Reaching for the basket, he was about to put it back before his mind decided to croak and implode when something silver and shiny caught his attention. Damn his curiosity for all things shiny!

He shook the basket a bit, not wanting to have to touch the 'stuff', and discovered a pair of blue fluffy handcuffs. His gaze turned to the bloated volume of Icha Icha Paradise, then back to the handcuffs. Bad idea, Naruto. Bad!

He grinned.

---

Checking that the towel was cinched tightly around his waist for the forth time, Sasuke pulled a second towel from the rack and started rubbing his hair dry. The idiot better not have destroyed his apartment. He padded out of the bathroom, paused and made a beeline for his room. Better to be fully dressed when dealing with Naruto, that and he wasn't about to let the moron think he was an exhibitionist. Unlike a _certain _someone he knew.

His foot cleared the threshold before he froze.

"Sasuke-sama!" the feminine voice squealed in sickening delight.

Goosebumps blossomed over his arms. There, sprawled generously over his bed, was a butt naked, female Naruto looking for all the world like he... she belonged there. Sasuke blinked once, twice, and tried not to swallow his own tongue.

"What the fuck are you doing?" He congratulated himself for keeping his voice steady.

Naruto shifted on the bed, a self satisfied grin stretched too-pink lips. "Don't you want to ravish me? Claim me and make me yours?"

_If you were male._..

Oh good gods...

The blonde's nubile form squirmed just so and something metallic rattled ominously. Blue fluff knocked his horror off kilter as handcuffs came into view. His heart thudded once and ceased to contract.

"Where the hell did you find that?" he gnashed out, surprised anything coherent came out of his clenched teeth.

"The goodies basket."

Doe-like eyes peered at him impishly and Sasuke was torn between wanting to rip out the overly blue eyes or throw himself out the window. Eye gouging sounded far more satisfying...

White, glistening teeth bared in a bloodthirsty grin; Sasuke stalked to the side of his bed and grabbed a slender ankle. The happy 'ooh' rolling through the air made him pause and rethink his actions. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea... Especially when high-pitched girly squeals and – was that a moan? – sighs tumbled past Naruto's lips. He hesitated, but as soon as the moans morphed into his name, he found himself straddling the blonde in the blink of an eye and choking the sounds off.

"Shut. UP!"

A strangled 'ooh' wavered out, and whatever Naruto wanted to say never made it past her lips before she choked for real and gave up on holding the jutsu.

Sasuke renewed his efforts in ending his friend's life.

"S – sa – uke!"

"Shut up!" He repeatedly slammed the spiked head into the pillows. "Die damn you!"

He would've continued for several more minutes if Naruto's face hadn't started turning blue. Easing his grip a little, he gave a few more satisfying shakes before fully letting go.

"Bastard!" Naruto wheezed, "It was a fucking joke! Damn, bastard! I can't even punch you!"

Sasuke smirked and eased forward until they were nearly chest-to-chest. There was a growl and a click of teeth snapping as the blonde tried to bite his nose off. Keyword being 'tried'.

"You asshole!"

There was some thrashing and Sasuke was nearly thrown off Naruto's bucking body. It was also at that moment that he became aware of his lack of clothes. What was he thinking when he just up and started throttling the boy in nothing but a skimpy towel? ...right... wasn't thinking. At all. Quickly checking that nothing important was hanging out in plain view, he pointedly ignored Naruto's gaze. He was half off the blonde when the sound of handcuffs jangling stopped him.

"Hello, a little help?" Naruto refused to look at the large expanse of skin dangling in front of his face, and he hated himself for the patch of pink he knew was appearing on his cheeks.

Sasuke would have cuffed his friend's head, if the hint colour rising on whiskered cheeks hadn't caught his attention. Why was Naruto blushing? "You got yourself into this, get yourself out."

"I would if you'll give me the key." He wanted to kick and punch and bite Sasuke's nose off – he had been so damn close! Smart move, Uzumaki, his mind snickered. And he had a feeling the damned fox was having a great time howling its stupid head off at his predicament. And why in all the nine hells was Sasuke half nude! And why did he care! And why was he still gawking!

"What key?"

"Stop joking around, Sasuke!"

"Who said I was joking? Wasn't there a key in the 'goodies basket', as you've so thoughtfully named it?"

"Shit!" Panic coloured the blonde's voice and a dark eyebrow rose in question.

"You thought I actually use those things?" Sasuke asked annoyed; trying to make the handcuffs disappear by glaring alone.

"Well you have them! So it was only reasonable for me to thi – "

"Why would I _use_ them?" He asked incredulously. He was offended that Naruto thought he was _like_ that.

"Because you're a kinky bastard."

Sasuke glared. "Do I look – ?"

Naruto opened his mouth to answer.

"No, don't answer that." Dark eyes narrowed in warning.

"You bloody asked!" Naruto huffed and pouted.

Sasuke was sure the idiot would've crossed his arms over his chest too if he could. The corner of his lip twitched. There will be time for smirking later, he told himself firmly.

"Do I have to get you out of _everything_, Naruto?" His mind chose that very moment to fling an image of him getting – more like ripping – Naruto out of 'everything', including the teen's boxers. Warmth rose up his neck.

"I don't bloody need your help, asshole! But this is _your_ fault!"

"How – "

Why did he even bother with this – this numbskull! And to think he was starting to feel bad for something that was _not_ his fault. He opened his mouth to tell one Uzumaki Naruto he could deal with this on his own, but stopped when something occurred to him. Right. No. He was not going to have a shouting match while sitting on Naruto's very nice, very comfortable, and very well toned stomach in nothing but a towel.

"Oi, bastard! While you're zoning out and crushing my ribs, think of a way to get. Me. Out! I'm not going to spend the rest of my life lying here in your bed!"

_Now that's a nice thought..._ The blood he had been trying to keep from his face gushed up his neck and he scowled. "Shut up. Don't move."

Naruto squinted in suspicion. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to melt those things off."

"You're going to do _what_ to the what now!"

"Shut up and let me – "

"Are you nuts! You'll burn this place down before you even melt those things!"

"Are you implying that I can't control my own jutsu?"

"Yes!"

"Don't. Move."

Really, Sasuke would've stopped at that, got up and left the blonde to his own devices, but his pride would not let him leave until Naruto was free of the handcuffs, just so he could go 'HA!' at the blonde.

"Wait! Sas – !"

But it was too late. Sasuke was already doing the seals and all Naruto could do was squinch his eyes shut, tuck his head as far into his chest as possible and hope he was going to survive.

Don't burn my head off don'tburnmyheadoffdon'tburnmyheadoff!

---

"You ass! You burnt my hair!"

Naruto pointed an accusing finger at Sasuke and stomped off ahead. It didn't matter that he had no idea where Kakashi's apartment was, just as long as he could get away from the smug jerk. He'd get the Uchiha back for trying to burn his head off.

Just you wait, Sasuke.

"Singed, Naruto," Sasuke corrected; the self-satisfied 'I told you I could get you out' smirk was staying for a very long time.

He couldn't stop the snicker tumbling out of his mouth and it only got worse when Naruto increased his pace and stalked to god knew where. All right, he would admit that singing a few locks of the teen's precious hair was a little uncalled for. But watching him frantically bat at his head while screeching and squalling when his arms were free from the handcuffs was priceless. Ah... revenge was so very sweet.

---

The doorbell chimed; a dead almost pleading wail for someone to put it out of its misery. The door opened before Naruto could push the button again, to reveal a dishevelled Kakashi leaning against the door jamb.

"Yo," the jounin murmured and allowed both boys to shuffle in.

Feeling just a little giddy at the prospects of visiting his sensei's home, Naruto was disappointed to find the place looking extraordinarily normal. Everything was neat and just... normal. Too normal.

"Kakashi-sensei," he whined, "why is your place so damn normal-looking?"

The man cocked a brow.

"Where are the super-cool top-secret scrolls? And the out-of-this-world training stuff?" Naruto waved his arms around, gesturing to the bare walls of the too-simple apartment.

"Ah." Rubbing the back of his head, Kakashi tried not to laugh at the remark. "Sorry to disappoint, Naruto. I'll remember to bring out my top-secret training equipment next time you come around."

"Damn right you will!" The blonde huffed and threw himself on the nearest couch, not caring if his foot landed on Sasuke's leg.

Shoving the offending appendage off, Sasuke earned himself a glare and a muttered 'bastard'. But really, did he care? No.

"So can we hurry this along?" he asked, trying to keep the eagerness from his voice. He didn't want to be in the same room with the person who was plotting his demise. "Some of us have things to do."

"If we're holding you up, Sasuke, by all means," Kakashi gestured to the door. "I'm sure Naruto knows his way back."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. He wanted to take the offered opportunity and escape; really he did. However, from the look of things, Kakashi was going to put 'ideas' into the blonde's head, and he couldn't have that. Clenching his jaw, he sat stubbornly on the couch and refused to look at the jounin. I know what you're up to, Sasuke thought, and I don't like it.

Opening his mouth to object to being accused of being directionless, Naruto was confused to find the strange tension hanging in the air. Did he miss something? Or was he imagining it? Deciding that he really didn't care, he shrugged; reached behind and extracted the bundle of clothes. He would have tossed it to his teacher if his wrists weren't still sore from the handcuff incident. Damn fucking Sasuke. And stupid fox. Why wasn't he healed yet?

Kakashi reached for the offered clothes and grabbed the blonde's wrist before the boy could retract his hands. "Why is your wrist burnt?"

"Huh?" he followed the man's gaze. "Oh, that."

Sasuke waited with baited breath, hoping against all hope that Naruto would somehow suddenly grow a brain and would know not to mention anything that was remotely related to handcuffs and the like. Kakashi and Jiraiya would never let him see another day. And really, Naruto and handcuffs just didn't belong in the same sentence.

"Sasuke decided it would be _really_ smart to melt the handcuffs off my wrists instead of using the _key_! Which just so happened to be _lost_!" Naruto glowered at the rapidly slumping Uchiha.

"Oh?" Sharp eyes glinted deviously.

He wanted very desperately to sink into the ground, but knowing his luck, the ground would probably spit him back up and laugh. Why the hell was he friends with this idiot? Why!

"He was trying to kill me, Kakashi-sensei!"

And taking a deep breath, the blonde launched into a detailed and augmented retelling of the morning's events. Throughout the entire monologue Kakashi nodded and made appropriate 'ah-ing' noises while Sasuke wondered if there was enough room underneath the couch to fit him and the dust bunnies. What he would give to turn into a dust bunny...

---

Having escaped Kakashi's place with a good portion of his dignity missing, Sasuke was glad to be back in the safe confines of his apartment – alone. Whoever said humans needed contact with their own species was wrong. So very, very wrong. If 'mingling' with his fellow human beings involved being humiliated like there was no tomorrow then he would gladly give up this sort of 'freedom' and commit himself to being a hermit. Hermit-hood was far better than Pervert-hood any day.

He sunk further into the plush couch and took an absent bite of the onigiri he had prepared the previous night.

What the hell was he going to do about this 'thing', whatever the hell this 'thing' was, that revolved around Naruto? It had been five days and still there was no explanation as to why he was having _those_ dreams and reacting strangely to the blonde. It couldn't really be because he... No, not going there, never going there.

And now that Kakashi knew about Naruto and the handcuffs would he tell Jiraiya, the head pervert? Was he really going to suffer for the rest of Naruto's stay? Gods he hoped not, but knowing his luck; it was most likely going to happen. He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. And just how long was the blonde staying? He hadn't thought of asking Naruto. To be truthful, he hadn't been paying much attention to anything else other than getting himself out of those sticky situations intact.

_... and of course enjoying the view provided by a certain blonde... _

Oh shut up you, he snapped and silenced the niggling voice. Setting his mind back on track, he wondered whether he should feel sorry for Iruka. Naruto had skipped off to meet their former academy teacher for lunch straight after Kakashi had closed his door. It was almost comical to watch the seventeen-year-old blonde chant 'free food' while skipping like a girl. He would have laughed if his mind wasn't pre-occupied with plotting on the best ways to torture Naruto.

And now that he was going to be Naruto-free for at least the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon, he needed to think of an excuse to get him out of going to that welcome back party. He was sure Naruto would not let him weasel his way out no matter how hard he tried, but Sasuke wasn't about to give in that easily. Not after the hell the moron put him through these last couple of days. And knowing Shikamaru and friends he was sure there would be much pain in store for Naruto after the whole flashing fiasco.

_Ah shit, Sasuke_, he berated, _you were supposed to talk yourself _out _of going, not talk yourself _into _it_.

Mood darkening, he took a vicious bite out of the defenceless rice-ball.

---

Evening came far too fast for Sasuke's liking. It felt like time had decided the afternoon was not important and jumped straight to night. And once again, Naruto was trying to bash in his door. He sighed in irritation and cursed himself for not being able to come up with an excuse.

"Bastard, open the bloody door!"

Did the moron ever learn? Moving swiftly, he pulled the blonde inside before his door was nothing more than a pile of splinters.

"Ever heard of knocking?" Sasuke hissed, eyes narrowing at the happily grinning face.

"That didn't work this morning so why should it work now?" Was the smug reply.

He was about to say something scathing when Naruto interrupted. "You ready yet?"

"No."

"Oh come on, Sasuke. This is _my_ welcome back party. You should be waiting for me not the other way around!"

Snorting, the Uchiha turned and was about to pad back to his room when he wondered why he was conceding to this so easily. Didn't he say he wasn't going to give in that easily? So why was he just turning around like a good little boy and heading to his room? He didn't want to go, so he shouldn't, his mind told him adamantly. But some other part of his mind was rebutting the point. Naruto wouldn't have come all the way to his place, which was on the other side of Konoha, to get him if his ex-team mate didn't want him there. Clearly the moron was making an effort to ensure that he turned up, his mind reasoned. Both sides of the argument were valid, but which to listen to?

"Oi! I'm still here, you know," Naruto drawled, annoyance clearly written on the tanned face. "Are you just going to stand there imitating a pillar or are you going change so we can get some food already?"

Deeming it below his dignity to answer, he reluctantly changed; promising himself that he would look into this matter of conceding to Naruto's wishes and allowed an exuberant Uzumaki Naruto to drag him out the door.

---

The walk to the Academy was filled with a companionable silence with Naruto occasionally humming at odd intervals. Noting the uncharacteristic behaviour his friend was displaying Sasuke peered at the blonde out of the corner of his eye.

"Hey Sasuke," Naruto's soft voice jarred Sasuke out of his musing. "How have you been?"

Sasuke snorted. "You have eyes don't you, idiot?" With that said the Uchiha looked at his companion and smirked at the pout Naruto was wearing.

"Not 'how have you been _today_, or yesterday, or the day before that', Sasuke!" Naruto said in exasperation. "How have you been for the last couple of months?"

"And you're asking me now, why?" A dark brow hiked up in question.

"Well between me coming back and being stripped nude by the pervert, there wasn't exactly time for me to ask, was there?"

Reluctantly grunting in agreement that Naruto did have a point, Sasuke stared straight ahead and hated how hot his cheeks felt.

"It's been the same," Sasuke said with a shrug, _and I'm bored out of my skull_. But he didn't vocalise the last part, lest the idiot used it to his advantage or declared to all of Konoha that their Ice Prince could not live a day without him. He shuddered at the idea.

"That's it?" Naruto asked incredulously.

"What else is there?" Cocking his head to the side in askance, Sasuke was rewarded with a very frustrated Naruto glaring daggers at him.

"Argh! How can you not have done anything exciting in all that time!"

_Well it's not like there's very much to_ do_, is there_? Sasuke thought wryly, but instead of saying that he shrugged nonchalantly and went back to looking straight ahead.

"What about the others then? And where is Sakura-chan? How come I didn't see her with Lee?"

"Mission. She'll be back tomorrow. And the others... they've been the same as well." A pause, then Sasuke thought it was as good a time as any to ask the question that had nagged him since this morning. "How long are you staying for?"

"Well... I'm still not sure about it, the pervert senin hadn't said anything. But I think I might be staying for good this time."

Both of Sasuke's eyebrows shot up. _Staying for good!_ If it was some other time he would've been glad, because his source of entertainment was going to be around permanently. But now that this whole fiasco was in full swing, having Naruto hang around for good was disastrous! He didn't know how long he could take this before he did something he knew he was going to regret. Like for example: Jumping Naruto. He berated himself for even thinking that. _No, _not _jumping Naruto! But something on the same level of stupidity._ He could already hear the two perverts cheering in the background with pom poms chanting 'You can _do it_, Sasuke!'. Gods... life could really kick you in the balls when you least expect it. And Sasuke was most definitely _not_ expecting this!

"The old hag," Naruto continued, not noticing the semi-panicked look on the Uchiha's face, "was thinking that it might be time for me to start learning about the duties I would need to do if I was going to be Hokage. And I think the pervert senin thinks it's a good time too. And I really hope she'll announce it to everyone about her choice for the position. I mean, it doesn't really matter, but I think it'd be nice if she did so people would get used to the idea."

Naruto's babbling went 'whoosh' over Sasuke's head. He was still stuck on the 'staying for good' and 'jumping Naruto' thoughts. But if he had been listening, he was sure he would have asked about why the people would need to get used to the idea of him becoming the Hokage.

"Well gees, Sasuke. Glad you're _sooo_ excited about me staying," Naruto huffed, crossed his arms and pouted. Sure he was acting like a child, but he was hoping to get _something_ out of Sasuke with this kind of news. Getting the Uchiha bastard to do an impression of a wide-eyed goldfish, as amusing as it was was not what he wanted.

---

After much yelling and whingeing from Naruto because everyone refused to have ramen (to which the blonde moaned in despair and sobbed that it was _his_ welcome back party and they should have what _he_ wanted, but everyone wisely ignored the display of puppy dog eyes), and also because three very bloodthirsty friends had beaten the shit out of the boy, the group ended up eating at a dingy restaurant/bar.

The place looked somewhat decrepit but the food, at least, was good. Although now that Sasuke thought about it, watching Choji, Kiba and Naruto inhaling the food made everything a lot less appetising.

It was also amusing, he noted, how all those that had been present at the 'carrot' incident were keeping their distance from Rock Lee. All except for Naruto. Kiba had painstakingly tried to warn Neji, but the teen was worried about offending Lee, and no one wanted to offend Lee in case it meant making physical contact with the boy, and so had opted for casting sympathetic glances at the Hyuuga. If he didn't know better, he would have told Kiba to spit it out before Neji thought he was making eyes at him and beat the crap out of dog boy thinking he was cheating on Hinata. But he did know better and left Kiba ogling Neji and went back to the animated discussion Naruto was having with Lee about his latest leotard mishap.

" – ripped it apart! And after you went through so much trouble in getting it for me! I'll pay you – "

"You will do no such thing!" Lee declared, "I'll explain everything to Maito-san and he'll make you another one!" Here everyone groaned and hoped against all hope the ground would open up and swallow Gai's father.

"But – "

Lee held up a hand to cut off Naruto's sentence. "A ninja must be prepared for such things. Something as radical as this life changing suit is bound to cause problems. Why my mother screamed when she saw me in it for the first time."

Everyone rolled their eyes and wondered what happened to the poor woman.

"But after tearing if off me for four times she accepted it for what it was and here I am!"

"She must've torn out her eyes," Shikamaru muttered under his breath.

Kiba snickered and Choji would have if the dumpling he was stuffing down his throat didn't go down the wrong pipe. Shikamaru thumped his friend's back.

"Alright," Naruto said reluctantly. He was feeling oddly touched by the story because he wasn't the only one who had to go through having his clothes ripped off of him. "But I'm paying for them this time."

Lee nodded approvingly and the conversation shifted. Or would have shifted if a certain toad senin didn't walk in through the door.

"What are you doing here!" Naruto stood and pointed an accusing finger at Jiraiya.

The white-haired man blinked, bemused. It was only when the blonde started yelling 'don't ignore me!' that Jiraiya realised that it was his student who was accusing him of being a stalker. He snorted. Typical...

Walking not so steadily towards the barstool, he plopped down and ordered himself a warm sake. "This is one of my usual drinking spots."

He watched in amusement as the brat sputtered in rage and he was sure there would be foam frothing out of the corners of his mouth if it was physiologically possible. Pouring himself a cupful of the warmed drink he downed the thimble-sized amount and sighed in content. With his belly warm and alcohol thrumming in his blood, he settled himself further in his seat.

He let his gaze wonder over the amused faces of the Hyuuga, Nara, Akimichi and Inuzuka boys, and narrowed his eyes when he swept past Gai's clone. Finally he locked stares with his protégé and grinned like a mad idiot.

Shit! Shitty shit, shit! Sasuke immediately broke eye contact and stared at anything but the pervert and the idiot. Fuck! The old bastard knows! Catching movement out of the corner of his eye, he instinctively turned and found Jiraiya (pink-cheeked and gleaming eyes) giving him the thumbs up. The urge to smack the bastard made his hand itch.

"Liar! You knew about this didn't you!" Naruto stalked up to his teacher and ignored the strange behaviour the senin was displaying.

Jiraiya gave an imperceptible shrug and grinned challengingly at the blonde. "So what, brat?" He smirked when teeth gnashed loudly together. Oh this was going to be far too easy...

"What say we settle this like men, hm? We still haven't decided who was the winner of that bet we won back in Hidden Rain. I still say it was me, of course, considering I came up with four of the seven winning numbers."

"Three and a half numbers, pervert!" Naruto shrieked in outrage. "If I hadn't changed seventeen to thirteen, we wouldn't have won at all!"

"So what say you, brat? A drinking contest to settle this." Jiraiya slammed his cup down and sloshed the newly poured sake onto the counter.

Naruto opened his mouth to scream 'hell yeah' when a thought, several thoughts, occurred to him. "I'm not old enough to drink."

That was one of them, the others were more along the lines of 'I conk out after seven cups', but they were quickly pushed aside.

"What, you scared?"

He opened his mouth to say 'no', but what came out was another matter entirely. "You're on, old man! But it'll be your fault if Tsunade-baba finds out!"

"Fine." Jiraiya held up a hand to silence the protesting owner. "I'll take full responsibility," he said seriously and that was enough to appease the owner.

First, and the easiest task done. The senin swung his gaze to the others. "So what about you other brats?"

---

Knocking his fifth, seventh, eleventh – Sasuke had lost count after Lee had gone berserk – cup of sake down his throat, he grimaced as the alcohol burnt its way towards his stomach. Unsteadily placing the delicate porcelain cup onto the table, he watched with disdain as the old man made a show of sipping his own sake. Beside him, Naruto wobbled on his seat and slurred something in the pervert's direction.

Sasuke – despite being rather inebriated could still think somewhat clearly – suspected the only reason the blonde would be stupid enough to take up on Jiraiya's challenge was because the old man had come in looking drunk. And the only reason Sasuke himself was part of this insanity was because of his damn Uchiha pride and much goading from Naruto and Jiraiya. But it seemed that was part of the ploy and now, all three of them, Kiba, Naruto and Sasuke himself were at the old pervert's mercy. If they lost, it was agreed that there would be some dire punishment. And already, Lee had bowed out of the race.

The taijutsu specialist had surprisingly consumed more than five cups before whirling on anyone that was within a one metre radius. He suspected that the teen had been practising, but that didn't matter because in the end, someone was still needed to hurl Rock Lee home. Aside from the other three who were taking part in this oh-so-stupid drinking contest, Shikamaru and Choji had refused to go anywhere near a drunk Lee, and so it was up to a very bemused Neji. Everyone had given the Hyuuga the 'I'm sorry you have to be stuck with this job, but someone has to do it' look.

All that aside, it was up to them to defeat the evil, villainous sorce – er – pervert before any more diabolical plans were set into motion. He suspected that the alcohol was starting to affect other areas of his thinking, but he couldn't really care at the moment; not when it was so amusing watching Kiba's slumped body slowly tilt sideways. Beating down the twitching at the corners of his lips, he clung to his trustworthy mask of indifference even as gravity took hold of Kiba and began to drag the boy to the ground.

He almost lost his grip on his mask when a hand gripped his shoulder and an arm draped languidly around his neck as Naruto peered past him. A very warm and very solid body bumped up against his side and even warmer breath wafted down his neck. There was a round of giggles in his ear. He tried not to pay attention to the little details his mind kept noting down, but as slightly chapped lips carelessly caressed the side of his neck he could not stop the shudders running rampant through his body.

He snuck his arm around the slim set of hips just as Kiba made a resounding thud with the floor. More giggling ensued and Sasuke was loathed to admit that some of the hysterical laughter had escaped from his own mouth as well. But then he would rather admit to that than to the fact that he had, out of his own free will, wound his arm around Uzumaki Naruto's waist.

It was even more startling when said blonde returned the embrace and snuggled up, in his alcohol-induced cloud of euphoria, to Sasuke.

Sasuke, drunk or otherwise, knew not to look a gift-horse in the mouth if he ever saw one. He drew the blonde that much closer, and slid his hand just a little lower and gave the firm butt cheek a healthy squeeze. There was a soft mewl but otherwise no protests. To hell with Jiraiya, he thought. He had an armful of warm, cuddly and affectionate Naruto, what more could he want?


	8. Genius

Disclaimer: same as previous.

Okie... Finally a chapter out. I'm very sorry peoples, I didn't realise I hadn't updated in such a long time. And life just went 'whoosh' and tried to kill me.

Many thanks to Shaq for the beta.

* * *

**Genius**

Gods... How much did he drink last night?

Groaning in pain, Sasuke scrunched his eyes shut against the sun filtering through the curtain and burrowed his head deeper into his pillow. His brain was throwing itself against his skull in hopes of leaving its bony prison, and gods if he could, he would crack his head open like an egg to be rid of this killer headache.

Why, oh why, did he let Naruto talk him into that drinking contest? He was smarter than the moron. A million times smarter.

_Yeah, you are_, his mind agreed, _but when it comes to a challenge, you two are about the same_.

Shut up, traitor.

"Stupid. Stupid," he berated himself and groaned again when the throbbing became full out pounding. "Someone have mercy and let me die..."

Making sure not to jar his head, he slowly rolled onto his back. More pain shot through his body, but it was different. For starters, it wasn't in his skull. His eyes shot open despite the protesting voice in his mind. _Why_ was there pain _there_? Just _what _did he _do_ last night!

_Drinking._

Yes, he remembered that clearly enough. What happened afterwards?

_More drinking?_

Okay... he could accept that. Then...?

There was no reply. Fear skittered up his spine. _Then!_

_There _was _no 'then'... _his memory banks said haughtily_. I can't remember..._

You can't not remember! he screamed at himself. You aren't allowed to! He couldn't have... He just could _not_ have slept with... slept with...

His mind had shut down at this point.

---

It took him a few minutes, but he had finally managed to coax his mind out of the little hole it had dug itself.

All right, he thought, there could be many reasons why your ass hurts, Sasuke. Many, _many_ reasons. Getting screwed by Naruto was only _one_ of those and it was not going to be on the list. Now think! Why else would your ass by sore!

Brows furrowing in deep thought, he was unnerved when he realised something was clinging to his butt cheek. Why was there something stuck to his ass?

He manoeuvred his hand to the spot and tentatively smoothed his fingers over his boxers. He hissed in pain. Despite the shame of somehow getting his butt kicked (possibly literally) during the course of last night's party, he was glad it didn't involve Naruto and him being in a horizontal position. Now all he had to do was figure out how his ass got hurt and the world would slowly get back to normal.

---

Naruto was going to kill the pervert. He was going to break every bone in that shitty, lying bastard's body; he was going to dump him in a hole, leave him for a few days and then consider whether he should put him out of his misery or deal out some more pain. Because – fuck! – pain was all Naruto could feel right now. His stomach made a funny lurch.

"Shit," he muttered and rolled onto all fours, screwing his eyes shut against a wave of vertigo.

Stumbling towards the bathroom, he bent over the porcelain throne and chucked up his welcome back party. Yummy...

The next ten minutes were filled with nothing but his retching and long suffering moans of misery. Jiraiya was so going to be die for that little stunt he pulled. The senin had the nerve to act like he was drunk and fooled the lot of them. All of them! Even the great Uchiha Sasuke!

He cackled/hacked. All right... maybe he would leave out the 'leave the pervert in the hole for a few days part' and jump straight to the decision making. He wondered if Sasuke was feeling the pain as well and that made him feel slightly better as he offered more of the half digested party food to the toilet.

---

The toilet seat was cool against his cheek and he was sure he looked like one of the old hag's slugs, clinging desperately to the side of the loo. A wonderful image of the future Hokage. He snorted.

Making sure that his rebelling stomach wasn't going to throw another hissy fit, he uncurled and took stock of the situation. Hurling guts out, check. Head being used as a drum, check. Remember absolutely nothing from last night, check. Left side of chest burning like hell, er... check, for now. And base of spine was yelling obscenities at him, check. The last two, he was sure, was not part of a normal hangover but he could deal with that later. Why he was having a hangover to begin with was the problem. The damn Fox wasn't healin –

"Naruto! You have a lot of explaining to do!"

Any other time, he would've been overjoyed to see Sakura. But not today. His stomach gave an odd gurgle and Sakura's voice was far too loud. He groaned. All he wanted to do was burrow under his covers and die.

"Naruto!"

"Sakura-chan," he whimpered pathetically, curling into himself once again. "Not so loud!"

The bathroom door flew open and crashed against the wall. Naruto wailed and cowered from the furious pink-haired girl. He wanted to die but he didn't want to go like this.

"Sakura-chan, please!"

"Don't you 'Sakura-chan' me, Naruto!" Sakura hissed, not caring that her friend looked like he had just spent a day in a washing machine. "What the hell did you guys _do_ to Lee last night?"

"What?" Blinking unclear blue eyes, Naruto wracked his brain for what could've set Sakura off like this. "We didn't do anything! Just eating. Catching up. Drinking."

"Drinking? You guys were drinking! You're all underage! And you know how Lee gets when he's drunk!"

"Yes, b-but he insisted and the pervert – " Naruto stuttered hastily, hoping to stem the mini interrogation so he could go back to hurling.

"Oh my god, your teacher was there!" Sakura slapped her forehead. "And you trusted the man! He's going to pay for what he did to Lee!"

"What?" Naruto asked fuzzily. "What happened to thick-brows?"

"His eyebrows are gone!" Sakura all but screeched.

"Thick-bro – " The blonde abruptly stopped and ducked back towards the toilet, dry retching. He panted and croaked his thanks when a glass of water was shoved under his nose. Taking several sips of the cool liquid, he grimaced as it sloshed passed the acrid taste at the back of his throat and groaned pathetically when the glass was taken away.

His thoughts whirled uncertainly for a moment, trying to find the place where he had left off and everything clicked back into place. "Thick-brows isn't thick-brows any more?" The blonde blurted in bewilderment.

"Yes!" Gesturing wildly with the cup of water still in hand, Sakura sloshed water all over the bathroom. "He's gone from thick-brows to no-brows!"

The sudden image of Gaara of the Sand with black hair and a very bad bowl cut flashed across his mind. Naruto choked.

There was an exasperated sigh and a hand patted his back, while the girl continued on ranting about something that Naruto completely missed because his back felt like it was on fire. Despite having the pats on the upper part of his back, it felt like the hits were hitting his lower back. He whimpered and shrank away, opting for hugging the porcelain throne some more. The pink-haired girl gave him a puzzled look.

"Naruto? I thought you said you guys were just doing the usual, you said nothing about getting into a fight as well." Green eyes narrowed and demanded an answer – a truthful, no nonsense answer at that.

"We didn't get into a fight, Sakura-chan. At least... I didn't think we did."

"Che. Men. Come here, moron." And Naruto flinched at the word but pushed down the reflex to scream and shout because this was Sakura and not Sasuke. And he was sure if he launched into one of his usual 'don't call me an idiot' rants Sakura was going to kill him and his stomach was going to eat itself. He scooted over and presented his back to the girl.

"My chest hurts too, Sakura-chan," He mumbled meekly, not wanting to incur a beating from the famed old hag's student.

"Let's have a look at the chest first then," Sakura said in all seriousness, going into her medical-nin mode.

Obediently, lifting his tank top, Naruto watched Sakura 'hm' at his chest and turned him around to look at his back. There was a derisive snort.

"You _did_ get into a fight! Blood is soaking the bandage on your back. And why isn't it healed yet, Naruto?" Sakura asked curiously, her fingers working at the corners of the plaster. "I thought that Fox would've healed you by now."

_That's what I'd like to know too._ He grimaced when the fingers dug into sensitive skin. "Could you heal it for me please? I know you won't help with the hangover, but could you heal that and whatever's happened to my chest? I don't think I could deal with a hangover and those two as well."

A 'fine' was huffed at his back and he felt the last of the sticky material make a desperate pull at his skin before it was off and flung across the tiled floor. Silence reigned. Naruto wondered when the familiar feeling of flowing chakra was going to come.

"Naruto, why do you have the Uchiha clan's symbol tattooed on your back?"

---

"You bastard!" Naruto roared as he stalked across the training grounds towards where Jiraiya and Kakashi sat. "You lying, scheming, manipulative BASTARD!"

Kakashi blinked at the outburst while Jiraiya sat, looking smug. "Shouldn't you be off somewhere moaning and groaning about your hangover?"

"The hangover can wait! I'm going to kill you!"

"And what did I do this time, brat?"

"What did you _do_? What _didn't _you do!" the blonde raved. "I have a bloody nipple ring, you bastard! And why in the nine fucking hells did you brand me with the Uchiha symbol, you sick fuck! I'm surprised you didn't stamp 'Property of Uchiha Sasuke' on my forehead!"

A single eye widened and the smug smile stretched tenfold. "That could be done you know," Jiraiya said and smirked as the boy bristled. "In fact, I'm sure – "

Naruto's rage rocketed off into space. "You sadistic bastard! I'll KILL YOU!"

The blonde lunged at the old pervert and would have landed a punch if Kakashi hadn't knocked the boy out first. Jiraiya watched in amusement as the teen's body crumpled to the ground.

"Ah hehe, thanks Kakashi."

The jounin shrugged and tugged at the back of Naruto's cargo pants. Sure enough the red of the Uchiha fan glared at him. He grinned. "So this and the nipple ring were Naruto's punishment for losing?"

The senin snorted. "I should've gotten the guy to put the tattoo on his forehead. Let's see how he likes that," he huffed. "I try to up the boy's sex appeal, and what do I get in return? Ungrateful little shit."

Kakashi cocked his brow. "A nipple ring is sexy?" He cringed and resisted the urge to rub his chest.

"Well no. But it at least gives Uchiha an excuse to touch the brat's chest now, doesn't it? Not that the boy needed an excuse to begin with if he wasn't such a prude."

Kakashi chuckled. "And I don't suppose Sasuke has a matching tattoo?"

Grinning evilly, Jiraiya bent and none-too-gently hefted the blonde over his shoulder. "Why don't you go and find out?"

---

No... he was _not_ going to do it. No way in hell! But he _needed_ to know what it was. It wasn't a cut, that much Sasuke knew; his skin was still intact. If it wasn't a cut then what was it?

A deep growl of annoyance tore loose from his throat. He was sure it was the hangover that was the cause of his stupidity, because really, who in their right minds would stand butt-naked in their room and try to formulate a way to see their own asses?

Might as well get it over and done with. Reaching for the compact mirror that he kept in his weapon's pouch for when he couldn't see his target from behind a corner – he was _not_ vain! – he twisted around so he could actually see and positioned the mirror at where he thought it might be. He squinted down at the reflective glass. Where was it? He didn't want to spend the rest of the morning doing something as humiliating as this.

He shifted it to the left a little more and was unnerved to find something very swirly starting to appear. Was that a tattoo? Jiraiya tattooed his butt-cheek!

"Fuck," he muttered. It better not be something obscene, or something flowery. He shuddered. He was going torture the man for the tattoo and kill him just because he could.

He was about to edge the mirror over a fraction more when something moved in his periphery vision. He spun and there was a distinct swish of steel cutting air. Kakashi's one eye stared at him from an upside down position.

He scowled and was about to take out his teacher's other eye when the jounin grinned and pointed downwards (or upwards in Kakashi's case).

"Fuck!" Blood gushed up to his face and ears and he hastily yanked the bedsheets up to cover himself. "What the fuck do you want!"

Kakashi chuckled, disengaged his feet from the ceiling and landed deftly.

"That is a most interesting choice for a tattoo, Sasuke," the jounin commented mildly, eye gleaming with mirth. "And a most interesting place to put it."

Bastard. "Do you make it a habit to spy on your students while they're naked?"

There was another infuriating chuckle. "I wouldn't call it a habit, Sasuke-kun." The 'kun' drew a warning growl from the boy, "After all, I haven't seen Sakura yet, and you three are my _only_ students. Two times can't be classified as a habit." The jounin made no effort in denying the claim that he was being a peeping tom who spied on his students.

Gathering the swath of sheets further around himself, he grabbed a change of clothes, and summoned all the self control he had worked so hard in gaining to stop himself from going into a violent killing frenzy. He gritted his teeth and noticeably straightened his back and squared his shoulders. With as much dignity as he could muster while wearing nothing but sheets (he felt a reluctant admiration for the blonde), he shuffled towards the door.

"When I come back," he growled, halfway out the door and glaring death at his teacher, "_You_ better be off my property." And suffering a horrible, torturous afterlife, he added silently.

Not waiting for a reply, he walked briskly – Uchiha Sasuke did not run away like a little girl – to the bathroom.

Kakashi watched in silent amusement, and burst into righteous laughter when there was a thunderous bang of a door slamming shut.

Ah... the wonders of youth. He shook his head at the Gai-like thought and promised himself to spend the next week avoiding the man. It was always an apocalyptic sign when _anyone _(Lee excluded) started to think or act like Gai.

Turning to leave, via the window, he paused when he spotted the bed's headboard. Faint scorch marks marred the otherwise unblemished wood. Remembering Naruto's very elaborate story, he wandered over to the rubbish bin. As expected, a pair of half melted handcuffs with bits of blue goo stuck to the sides was found at the very bottom. Grinning, he fished them out and stuck them into his pocket. Jiraiya would love these.

Deciding that it really was a good time to take his leave (he was sure Sasuke would most likely take out his other eye, rip out his tongue and de-brain him through something far less pleasant than his nose), Kakashi disappeared in a whirl of leaves.

Just as the last leaf settled onto the carpet, a loud 'fuck' reverberated through the building.

---

Blood, that was what Sasuke wanted. Kakashi's and Jiraiya's blood served in gold goblets. Maiming was far too good for the scheming, meddling bastards. What they needed was to have their blood drained slowly and painfully via a needle shoved deep into their jugulars; but not completely drained, just enough to make them nauseous. Yes, that was only the beginning of their torture. They have to pay with more than their lives for doing _that_ to him!

Unable to stop pacing, he was still boiling with rage, his swirling sharingan a testament of that fact. He desperately needed something to pound the hell out of, and it couldn't be Naruto because he didn't think he could face the blonde right now. Finding the only answer was the training grounds, he quickly dried himself off (the cold shower did nothing in calming him down) and dressed. Hoping all the while that Jiraiya would be in said training grounds so he could pound the old bastard into a pulp and demand to have the 'thing' removed.

Having only taken a step out of his apartment, he found himself within inches of a very startled Sakura. He blinked, rage forgotten. What was she doing here?

Noticing the two patches of pink starting to spread across her cheeks, he hastily stepped backwards. Even though Sakura had given up on chasing after him (he had hoped the rest of fangirls would also follow her example, but it seemed that was asking for too much), he was still wary that she was going to have a relapse in her fangirl ways.

"S-Sasuke!" Sakura exclaimed in astonishment, but concern soon surfaced when she got a glimpse at the Uchiha's face. "Are you going out? I can come back another – "

"No." He shook his head. He didn't want Sakura to come back later if it was going to be a rant, and by the look of things, it was.

"Well that's good, because you have some bloody explaining to do!"

A slender brow rose. What had he done? He didn't do anything else that was utterly stupid in his drunken rampage, did he?

"You!" A pale finger jabbed hard at his chest, "Owe Lee some eyebrows!"

"I owe Lee what –?"

"Eyebrows!"

"What?" Sasuke was at a loss. How could he owe Lee eyebrows?

"Naruto explained it to me. Lee lost his eyebrows because that was his punishment for losing –"

"Which has nothing to do with me."

"_Which_ has _everything_ to do with you and Naruto!"

"He lost, so frankly speaking, Lee owes himself eyebrows."

Keeping his disinterest mask firmly in place, he briefly wondered what the others got for their 'punishment'. Lee had it coming really. Jiraiya wasn't about to let anyone who dressed his pupil like an exotic beast get away with it. Lee should be thankful he still had his bowl cut. The old pervert had nothing against Kiba, so whatever dog boy got, it wouldn't have been too painful. Neji, Shikamaru and Choji were the only smart ones, and Sasuke should be on that list too, but nooo he had to be stupid! Although having Neji drag Lee home was punishment enough.

All that aside, what he really wanted to know was what Naruto got.

It better be something far worse than what he got, he thought sourly. Although he couldn't think of anything worse than having _that_ tattooed on his ass.

"How can you say that, Sasuke! You two should know what happens when Lee drinks! You shouldn't have let him drink at all!"

"None of us should've been drinking," Sasuke muttered, and that seemed to throw Sakura off.

"Y-yes! None of you should have been drinking! It's Naruto's teacher's fault! That man!" Sakura growled, and repeatedly fisted her hands. "I'm going to kill him!"

Inwardly, Sasuke was grinning with glee. Yes! Let Jiraiya suffer Sakura's wrath! Normally Sakura was pleasant enough, but she had a wicked temper and was a force to be reckoned with when someone close to her was harmed. So really, what better way was there to start paying back the senin back for the pain and harm he caused?

"How are you at fixing hangovers, Sakura?"

There was a huff and a sound whack to the back of his head.

"Deal with it, Uchiha Sasuke! This is what you get for roping Lee into this!" A pause and a thoughtful expression crossed the girl's face. "You wouldn't by any chance be sporting a tattoo, would you?"

---

Naruto woke to the sound of dripping water and groaned in pained annoyance. He was unconscious. Or sleeping, but recounting the last few minutes before he found himself here, it was a safe bet he had been knocked out.

Fucking pervert. He'd get him next time for sure!

Pulling himself up, he looked around the corridors of his mind. It no longer took a dangerous and desperate situation to force himself to this place. Over the years he had been visiting this place more often in his sleep (the old hag had told him that it was because he was slowly merging with the demon) and the Fox talked to him now and then. Although the threat of biting off his head while slowly devouring his entrails was spoken more frequently, he had come to associate it as a way for the Fox to express its affection without sounding weak and feeble. Because a great, all powerful demon like the Kyuubi no Kitsune could not possibly admit that he was rather enjoying himself despite being trapped in its host.

_Right Fox?_

"Damned brat! Stop trying to smother me with your fucking happy, sugar-coated thoughts!" the omnipotent voice boomed.

This was also another consequence of the 'merge'. The Fox could hear his thoughts, but he himself couldn't pick up on anything the demon was thinking. Unless the Fox wanted him to know, which was utterly unfair, in his opinion, but the bastard Fox would only laugh and tell him that he was just a bratling and would never be able to read the demon's thoughts.

He'd show him!

Strolling casually towards the allotted cage, he waved in greeting and received a face full of fur. He pushed the tail aside and pouted at the pair of gleaming blood eyes. "What?"

"Do not 'what' me, insolent bratling."

"Don't call me bratling!" he growled.

"Shall I call you kitling then? How about cubling?" The Fox chortled, and the sound reverberated down the cold empty halls.

The growl escaping Naruto's throat would've made the Fox proud if the demon wasn't howling its head off with laughter.

"Shut up, damn you! You bastard! You're in on it too, aren't you! Not healing the burns on my wrist and not making my hang over go away! You and the pervert are trying to make my life miserable!"

"I don't '_try_' to make your life miserable; I _do_ make your life miserable. Nowadays, I get very few chances – do you think I would pass this up? And lately, bratling, your life has become most entertaining. It's my job to meddle," the Fox said proudly, "And really, the burns and the hangover are your own doing. Why should I help with that?"

He sputtered with renewed anger. "Because if I'm hurt you're –"

"I doubt burnt wrists are life threatening," the demon drawled, eyes twinkling with wicked mirth. "But was it not a little risqué?"

"Risqué? Are you worried about my virtue, you bastard Fox?"

"Respect your elders, brat," the demon admonished. "And why would I worry about something as useless as that?" the Fox asked loftily. "In my opinion, the sooner you lose it, the better. God knows _you_ need to get laid."

"_I_ need to get laid? You mean _you_ need to get laid!"

"Precisely! And the other brat seems eager to deflower you."

"The other –? Deflower! WHAT!" Naruto screeched, and launched at the bars separating him from the Fox. "Are you saying Sasuke, _Uchiha_ Sasuke, wants to get into my pants!"

There was no reply. He took the silence as a 'yes', and burst into gales of laughter.

"A-are we even talking about the same Uchiha Sasuke here? Sasuke, who would rather die than admit that we're friends. Who doesn't like girls or anything unless it has something to do with training or getting stronger."

"Are you sure about the last part, brat?"

The sneer and the dangerous gleam in red eyes made the blonde's laughter falter. "You're serious."

"As serious as the looks that brat gives you."

"Looks? What looks?"

An errant tail waved by shot out from between the bars and Naruto ducked to avoid what he believed to be a strike aimed at his head, but was surprised and then annoyed to find the tail patting his head in mock affection and comfort.

"So naïve."

Not appreciating the gesture and definitely not liking being treated like a child by the demon – he was bloody seventeen! – he violently shoved the tail away.

"What looks!"

"The looks that even that pervert of a teacher of yours and his underling noticed."

The tattoo! his mind screamed. And then a few seconds later, underling?

"_Now_ he sees." An exasperated sigh. "Yes, the tattoo. And it really can't be more obvious. The look in the brat's eyes screams 'I want to get between those pretty legs of yours and fuck you raw'. And he would have done it too last night if he didn't pass out."

"You're just trying to mess with me! Sasuke doesn't – did he really try to last night!"

There was a strangled groan and the blonde tugged hard at his hair in frustration. "He doesn't – we were drunk!"

"Oh, it won't be so bad. The Uchiha brat is attractive enough, and I have a feeling you'll be more than willing when the time comes."

"WHAT!" The roar thundered ominously through the empty corridors.

"You want him. I know you do," the Fox snickered slyly.

"I do – "

---

"_NOT_ WANT HIM!"

Naruto bolted upright, sweat drenched his brows and soaked his top. Breathing uneven, he roughly swiped a hand across his face. That was the most disturbing conversation he had had with the nine-tailed bastard.

That aside, renewed anger flared up in the pit of his gut. He _did not_ want that frickin' bloody bastard!

"Stupid, bastardly Fox," he muttered, and yanked off his soaked top. "Trying to mess with my head."

Sasuke wasn't gay, despite him not liking anything that was remotely female. That didn't mean he was gay! He was just really focussed on killing Itachi. Which should be wrong on so many levels, but he wasn't going to think about that because it would most likely make his brain implode.

No, he shook his head, Sasuke was as straight as an arrow and did not want him in any way.

_Then what was the Fox going on about last night...?_

Naruto shook his head against that question. No. The bastard wanted to unsettle him. Nothing happened last night – not that he could remember – but if something _did_ happen the pervert would've been gloating before. He nodded firmly. Right, Sasuke was as straight as an arrow, and that was that!

And now the question on whether _he_ was gay needed to be considered.

Funny how the question regarding _his_ sexuality came second instead of the other way around. If it was anything else, it would've been way up there on his priority list, but with this, the question about Sasuke was more important. Why? Because it was whether Sasuke wanted him or not, _not_ whether Naruto himself wanted the bastard (not that he wanted the bastard of bastards). If it was just him being gay and wanting Sasuke, he could deal with it on his own, maybe beat his head against a wall several thousand times, but in the end he had control. But _this_ was if the Uchiha wanted him, and he had no control over how the teen felt, and he really didn't want to have to deal with something that could potentially ruin the friendship they had now.

While that was a strange tangent his mind ran off with. The real question was whether he was gay or not. His crush on Sakura was a century ago, and despite how nice girls were, he wasn't at all eager in getting a girlfriend. From what he'd seen, girls were extremely clingy and mushy when it came to relationships. He couldn't see himself in that kind of situation day in and day out.

That didn't mean he was gay, did it?

'Course not!

And thus, problem solved! Sasuke did not, and could not want him. And he, in return, would like to punch the bastard in the face for making the Fox think that way. And the bastard –

Lightning struck, or in this case, realisation struck. They were all in on it. Sasuke and the pervert. Both of them were trying to play with his mind, mess with his thoughts! Sasuke didn't want him! And he himself wasn't gay! Why in the nine hells was he questioning himself! The pervert wanted him to make a fool of himself! And Sasuke would definitely be the first in line to help! The bloody bastard!

He was going to kill him! Kill all of them!

Seething with rage, he threw his very rumpled top over his shoulder and surveyed his current location. He had been so busy cursing and thinking about this whole issue, he hadn't even taken the time to see where he was. Before he had his conversation with the demon he had been in the training grounds yelling at the old man. Now he found himself sitting on his couch.

He scowled. Wanting to hurt the world, because the whole world was ganging up on him, he scratched absently at his chest and hissed. He had completely forgotten about the nipple ring. Glancing down, he glared at the plane silver loop, hoping to melt the damned thing. When it refused to melt, he reached up and was about to viciously tug it off when there was a knock.

Who the fucking hell was it now!

Not wanting anyone to see the thing sticking out of his chest, he quickly went and grabbed a shirt and shucked it on before he stomped to answer the door.

Whoever it was, better start praying. He was not going to be held responsible for killing the person on sight.

---

One minute the door was there, the next it was replaced by the image of a livid Naruto breathing smoke out of his nose.

"You! What the fuck are you doing here!"

"To confirm something," Sasuke stated plainly, and before Naruto could launch into one of his usual 'Sasuke bastard this and Sasuke bastard that' rant, he grabbed roughly at the blonde's shoulder and spun him around.

He ignored the startled squawk and ducked under the arm aimed at his head. Grasping the edge of the loose-fitting cargos hugging bony hips, he tugged it down a fraction and felt his eyebrows scrabbling up his forehead. He had a feeling it was something to do with him from all the hints Sakura dropped, but this was... He had no words.

His clan's symbol stared angrily back at him, and he wondered briefly whether he should be the one sporting a tattoo like that. After all, he was the one who was actually an Uchiha, unlike Naruto who was on the receiving end of one of Jiraiya's sick joke.

_You could change that you know_, his mind whispered. _You could make the moron one of us..._

He brushed his thumb against the red-tinged skin, and was rewarded with a whack to the head.

"Fuck!" Naruto hissed and whirled around. Hitching his pants higher to cover the sensitive skin, he shoved Sasuke back and glared. "Keep your fucking hands to yourself! And what the fuck did you mean by 'confirming' – who told –" Blue eyes widened and a mournful expression took over. "Sakura-chan..."

Finding the array of emotions highly entertaining, Sasuke stood back and 'hn'-ed.

"She told you, didn't she?"

"I wouldn't say 'told'... and I wouldn't bother hiding the nipple ring, I know about that too."

Naruto was in the middle of folding his arms over his chest when Sasuke said that, and the blonde wanted very badly to somehow merge with the doorway he was leaning against. Not wanting to show any sort of weakness, he folded his arms anyway.

"What did you get then, huh?" He wanted to avoid dwelling on the whole issue. Bad enough he was stuck with the stupid brand and piercing for twenty-four seven until he found some way to remove it, he didn't need the bastard to rub it in. It was utterly unfair. "You know what I got, it's only fair that I see what the old shit gave you."

Sasuke remained tight-lipped. He had to admit the moron got a shitty deal, but his was worse. It was one thing to have someone else's clan symbol stitched into your skin, but it was something else entirely when you had someone's n – No. He shook his head. He wasn't going to think about it.

"It's none of your business."

Naruto scowled. "You made it my business!"

"No."

He had been expecting yelling and more protesting, but when the blonde merely narrowed his eyes and scrutinised him, Sasuke's sense of apprehension kicked in.

"You got a tattoo too, didn't you?" When the Uchiha didn't respond, Naruto began ticking off a random list aloud.

"None of your eyebrows are missing. You still have your hair. And you – " A pause as Naruto quickly reached out and ran his hands over the front of Sasuke's chest, causing the Uchiha to gasp in surprise and maybe something else, but the blonde paid it no mind.

"Nope... no nipple ring. Unless of course the piercing's down there." Blue eyes settled on Sasuke's crotch and tilted his head to the side in contemplation.

"The bastard isn't that cruel, and you wouldn't be walking, I don't think." Gazing back up at his friend, he was a little confused at the pink tingeing the normally pale cheek, but shrugged it aside. "So am I right?"

Sasuke refused to answer and focussed on something other than the blonde. Naruto grinned in triumph. "Let me see!"

"What!"

"Let me see! You saw mine."

"No."

"So I _was_ right!"

He groaned. The idiot was still guessing and he just gave himself away. Great going, Uchiha, he scolded.

"Tell me!"

"No."

Sasuke spared the rumpled red shirt a glance, drank in the sight of toned, slightly tanned, and supple flesh, before shaking his head to stop himself from ogling.

Focus, Sasuke! You can stare at Naruto's chest another time... Oh, but look at those rippling abs...

However, it wasn't those rippling abs that was Sasuke's downfall. No, it was the damned silver loop threaded through the blonde left nipple that did him in. It was exactly as Sakura had said, except he had imagined something more horrific. Maybe a completely disfigured nub of flesh, but nothing like this...

Sasuke stood entranced. It called to him. Sasuke, it beckoned, touch me.

His knees shuddered and he had to bite the insides of his cheek hard to stop the moan from spilling out. Sasuke was torn between crying pitifully or running away screaming because he was thinking like one of _them_. However, it really didn't matter in the end, because in the end his traitorous hands acted on their own.

"Are you even listening to me, you ass? Tell m – " A strangled gasp cut off the rest of Naruto's sentence.

Sasuke's wandering hand had made contact with the sensitive nub and flicked the ring. He gasped. Oh gods... Did he just...?

Shaking his head clear, he tried to retract his hand but found his fingers more interested in its new playmate than what his mind was screaming. It continued flicking the loop of silver, caressing and stroking the nub, drawing out confused and startled moans from Naruto.

"B-bastard w-wh-what – " Another strangled moan, and glazed blue eyes went half-mast.

Making the worse mistake, not that all of this wasn't a fucking disastrous mistake by itself, he looked up. His mind frizzled.

Face flushed and panting for breath, Naruto looked... Sasuke gulped. He should stop. No, he _needed_ to stop.

But that thought was eclipsed by a very pink, very moist tongue peeking out to wet parted lips. His mouth went as dry as the deserts of Suna, and it only worsened as Naruto's Adam's apple bob as the moron – extremely fuckable moron – swallowed thickly.

He suddenly felt like Alice, except he wasn't falling down the rabbit hole. He was _way_ beyond that. The little label on the tin of cookies no longer said 'eat me', it was a large blazing sign with '**RAVISH ME**' written in swirly lettering. He licked his own lips and sidled closer.

Sasuke was fighting a losing battle. He was a seventeen year old teenager with raging hormones, and he had never been very good at fighting off the lures of temptation.

Throwing caution to the winds, he pressed his mouth to Naruto's and hungrily swallowed the surprised yelp that escaped those plump lips. The hand that had been teasing Naruto's nipple pulled the warm body flush against his and wrapped around a slim waist. His other hand settled at the base of the blonde head.

He held on tighter when Naruto squirmed, and smothered any protests with more clumsy kisses. There was a confused mewl of pleasure and Sasuke's hand gave another little tug. Warm shocks danced up his spine and curled lazily in his belly when their groins touched. He moaned into the blonde's very pliant mouth and almost jumped out of his skin when there was an answering buck of hips.

The warm haze that had settled over his mind abruptly lifted when he realised just whose throat he was trying to shove his tongue down. Sasuke's eyes snapped open. Having just been drop-kicked into reality, his stomach gave a sour churn, and he didn't know if it had anything to do with the alcohol he had consumed last night or the current situation, because he wanted very badly to turn aside and throw up.

Letting go and taking a large step back, Sasuke turned and ran. And kept on running even when there was a throaty cry of loss begging him to go back.

---

It worked. The nipple ring really worked, Kakashi thought in a daze.

He had been 'monitoring' the two's activities and was stunned to the point of nearly falling out of the tree he was in when Sasuke had literally lunged for Naruto's lips.

One minute, Sasuke was inspecting the blonde's back; the next, Naruto was giving the Uchiha a once over, and then... Touching... Nipples... Kissing... And all Kakashi was left with was a stunned "wow".

Jiraiya was a genius... He had got to report this. Stashing his long forgotten Icha Icha Paradise in his pocket, he dashed off towards the Hokage Tower.

* * *

Author's notes: If some of you found this chapter rather choppy, and for unknown reasons brain decided it would be lovely to confuse people (me included), muchly sorry. Tried to make it less 'choppy' and it didn't quite work. I'm just happy they're _finally doing _something! 


	9. Orders and Training

Disclaimer: same as previous.

Damn me and my food cravings. As I write this... my stomach is demanding I go and buy Japanese food (donburi, udon and some such), so excuse my slight fixation on Naruto's ramen...

Many thanks to Shaq for the beta.

* * *

**Orders and Training**

He felt ill. He ran a hand over his abdomen, as if to soothe away a stomach ache, and only managed to frustrate himself more.

After having practically ran like there was a pack of hell hounds on his tail, Sasuke had thrown himself into the shower and turned the cold tap on full.

He had kissed Naruto. _Kissed_ the blonde moron, tongue and all, and he wished he could die a horrible death. He wasn't supposed to kiss his friend who was also a _guy_, especially when said guy was his _closest_ friend!

He groaned and turned over onto his side. He was so screwed. He couldn't possibly face Naruto now, not when he knew the nipple ring was lurking behind flimsy folds of fabric and laughing at him. And more importantly, how was he going to make this go away?

Sasuke needed things to be back to the way they were; or at least as close to it as possible. This was just physical attraction, right? Right?

Just physical attraction, he told himself firmly. Naruto is your bloody best friend! Best _friend_!

His base instincts were just looking out for him, he reasoned. It was just on the look-out for a potential mate, despite getting the wrong gender, and Naruto had many qualities that made him a good mate – if one were to think of these things from an animal point of view. Sasuke gulped and shook away the thought of how wrong this was all sounding. Yes, Naruto was healthy, strong and could handle himself when the situation called for it; and he wasn't bad on the eyes either.

So yes, Sasuke could understand why he would be physically attracted to the moron. If he was an animal...

Groaning in irritation, he shoved his head under the pillow and entertained the thought of suffocating himself. Dying has to be better than this, but he quickly ditched the thought. Once he was unconscious he wouldn't be able to finish the job, and then he would be back to being miserable and needy. Which brought him right back to the one thought he didn't want to think about to begin with.

Curling further into himself, he groaned and tried to banish the memories of soft lips and a hot mouth. But the harder he tried to forget, the more it stuck. The kiss itself wasn't spectacular. Both of them were anything but experts when it came to kissing, so it was more spit swapping than anything else. But there had been something else there that had made his toes curl.

His brain did a double take. He knew that if he had admitted that it was a physical attraction – it had to be, otherwise he was doomed – then surely it wouldn't kill him to admit that he wanted another kiss; but even as he grappled with accepting this reasoning, the words 'best friend' flashed in flaming red and his stomach churned.

To add to that he had voiced – mentally, if not vocally – that there had been something there...

He was more than screwed.

A knock at the door made him stomp hard on the thought. He roughly threw the pillow off his head and stalked out of his room. Why couldn't they just leave him the fuck alone?

He hoped against all hope it wasn't Naruto standing on his doorstep, ready to rip him apart because this time the kiss wasn't an accident. And he winced at the thought that it might be Iruka instead. If it was the blonde's over protective parental figure, Sasuke would be lucky if he still had lips, fingers, or the part that made him indefinitely male left, after the encounter.

Taking a deep breath, Sasuke swung the door open and released the breath he didn't know he had been holding when the silvery-white eyes of one Hyuuga Neji stared at him blankly. A slender brow rose and Neji's lips quirked up into a smirk.

The corner of Sasuke's lips tugged down, not at all impressed by the Hyuuga's amusement. His eyes narrowed. Why was Neji amused? Did he know something about what he did last night? But Neji had taken Lee home, and they weren't _that_ drunk when Lee conked out... "What do you want?"

"Hokage-sama wants to talk to you."

---

"Old man, I'll have the extra large pork katsu ramen!"

There was a muffled affirmation over the large cloud of steam, and Naruto dropped himself heavily onto the cushioned seat. Brows knitted in a frown, he folded his arms on the table and rested his chin on the makeshift pillow.

It had taken him a good ten minutes to snap out of his daze and shuffle back into his apartment, and a further half hour of shock before his befuddled mind fully processed what had taken place at his doorstep this morning. And then an hour of screeching, screaming and general panicking had followed.

Bad enough that he had woken up with a horrendous hangover, piercing, and tattoo the Fox wouldn't fix, he didn't need the damned Uchiha to appear and kiss him silly. What could've possibly possessed Sasuke to do something like that? Did he suddenly have a 'kiss me' sign pinned to his forehead, because – fuck! – he had been hoping to save his second kiss for someone special. But nooooo!!! The damned bastard had to be his first and now his second.

_You know what they say, kitling, th–_

Shut up, Fox! There won't be a _third_ time! Even _if_ the kiss was –

His mind screeched to a halt and he screwed his eyes shut in despair. He didn't nearly think that. No. He shook his head vigorously. It wasn't true. He would never ever, ever, ever enjoy kissing the bastard. Never!

_Those soft lips... That smooth tong–_

Naruto groaned as goose flesh blossomed over his arms and his lips began to tingle. He shuddered at the memories and swiped angrily at his mouth to try and stop the sensations. Why the fuck wouldn't his lips stop tingling?

The first kiss, and he really couldn't call that a kiss considering how much his teeth had hurt afterwards, hadn't involved tingles! Was this some sort of conspiracy and his body had decided to sign up without telling him? As if his life wasn't complicated enough without Sasuke trying to suck his lips off!

The few weeks before his return, Naruto had been contemplating about how to break the news to Sasuke about the possibility of him staying in Konoha permanently. The pervert had snorted when he had asked what the Uchiha would think about the news, and Naruto had been highly disappointed when Sasuke showed very little enthusiasm the previous night. He wasn't sure what kind of response he was expecting, but the panicked and disbelieving look he received wasn't what he had wanted.

Stupid bastard. Messing with his mind, making it seem like the shit didn't want him around and that his mere presence was a hassle, and then turning around and kissing him! Naruto fumed, and now he was confused as hell!

He unintentionally licked his lips and ignored the shiver that went down his spine. No, he didn't want the asshole's mouth on his again! No! Best friend, he thought desperately, he's your best friend! You can't like your best friend!!!

"Naruto-kun, are you all right?"

His head shot up before his mind had any say in the matter, and he came away with a hell of a spin (hangover was still in effect). Ayame stared at him with concern, one hand clutching his precious ramen and the other holding a cup of green tea. Naruto's eyes lit up at the sight of the food (kiss pushed to the very back of his mind – ramen was his temporary cure-all), and made grabby motions toward the steaming bowl. The young waitress placed the cup of tea down, but moved the bowl away from the blonde.

"Are you sure you're all right?"

Naruto pouted cutely. "Can I please have my ramen?"

There was an exasperated sigh and the food was set in front of him. He smiled gratefully up at the waitress, chirped a cheerful 'thank you', before wolfing down a good portion of the noodles.

Ah... yes...The food of gods... So good...

_Almost as good as that kiss...?_

Yeah... almost as good as the k–

Scowling, Naruto took a determined slurp and refused to have this little piece of heaven ruined by a pervert of a Fox. Kiss or no, ramen was ramen, and nothing could compare to the wonderful food that defined his life!

Another slurp and a sip of the flavoursome broth, and he was feeling better. A bite of the now soggy fried pork and Naruto was almost ready to face his current crisis. Almost.

"Yo, Naruto!"

He finished sucking the noodles into his mouth and turned. "Hey, Ki– " His jaw hit the ground. "What the hell happened to you?"

Kiba scowled. Did he look that bad? "Your teacher happened to me," he growled in annoyance, beside him Akamaru sniffed delicately and turned away from the blonde.

"The pervert cut you up?"

Naruto took in the numerous band-aids plastered all over the other boy's face, arms and legs; he was sure there were some covered by clothes as well. The old man wouldn't use a kunai and slice someone up for punishment, would he? Frankly speaking, he would've thought the sennin would be more creative than that, and branding your own student was as creative as it got.

"No, he didn't cut me up." If only, Kiba thought darkly. "The cats did."

"Cats?" The blonde scratched his head in confusion, bobbed his head in greeting at Shikamaru and Chouji as the two made themselves comfortable on the stools and ordered their own bowls of ramen. "He set a bunch of cats on you?"

"I wouldn't exactly call it setting," Shikamaru commented blandly, grabbing a pair of wooden chopsticks and snapping them apart.

"If he didn't stick you in a huge sack with a dozen angry cats, then what did he do?"

Kiba's lips thinned out into a tight line and his face coloured noticeably.

Shikamaru sighed and shook his head. "So troublesome," he muttered. "He had chunks of fish attached to him and got tied to a power pole."

Trying to picture what had happened, Naruto winced when the imaginary stray cats congregated around his make-belief Kiba and started to tear and fight over the meat. "Ouch."

There was a snort and a murmured 'thank you' as Ayame set down two more bowls in front of the small group. "At least there weren't any complaints when Hinata patched him up," Chouji murmured around a mouthful of meat.

Naruto suspected Chouji was grinning slyly, but couldn't tell since the other teen had already ducked down for another mouthful of food, so he decided to grin for him. A blonde brow hiked up just to make it that much more irritating. "Hinata patched you up, ay?" The brow waggled, and Naruto howled in helpless laughter when Kiba's face coloured to an impossible shade of crimson.

"Y – KILL!!" Kiba lurched forward, ready to strangle both Naruto and Chouji when Shikamaru pulled the youth back.

"You can kill them after we get out of here, I don't want to have to file in a report."

A string of curses and threats filled the air, and the other patrons turned away discreetly.

"So what about you, Naruto?" Kiba asked, launching into an attack of his own.

"What about me?"

"What'd you get from your beloved teacher? From what I heard, you and Sasuke were acting _very_ 'friendly'."

It was the blonde's turn to change colours, and it took everything he had to not shoot broth out of his nose. "I – He – We were drunk!"

_Sure..._

The round of sniggers only made the heat in his face kick up a degree or ten. He spluttered uselessly and that made Kiba happier.

"What did we do?"

"You were doing a very good impression of an overgrown cat. Sasuke..." Shikamaru mulled over how to put it so that the impending screams would not result in burst eardrums. He glanced at Chouji for help, but his friend continued slurping noodles. He frowned. "Let's just say Sasuke was giving the 'cat' lots of attention."

All colour drained from Naruto's face and the three teens wondered if it was a good idea to move away; no one wanted half-digested ramen spewed all over them.

"H-He moles – " A pregnant pause and Naruto shrieked to the powers that be. "That BASTARD! As if this morning wasn't – "

Naruto eeped when three pairs of eyes looked at him curiously. He wanted very much to kill himself now.

_Smart, kit... Very smart. Why not just scream that you enjoyed being groped by the Uchiha brat?_

'I didn't enjoy being groped by the bastard!' Naruto mentally hissed.

_Then what was with all the 'oh, why isn't he excited about me staying?' hm?_

'I wasn't – !'

And realising he had been quiet for too long, Naruto spluttered and flailed. Deciding that the best course of action was to blame the three in front of him, he pointed and screeched, "Why the fuck didn't you stop him?"

Unaffected by the display, and being more interested in the unfinished sentence, Kiba narrowed his keen eyes and grinned. "What happened this morning, Naruto?"

"N-nothing!" Naruto yelped, and stood up abruptly. Digging through his pockets for change, he dumped the right amount on the table and ran off.

---

The double doors leading to the Hokage's office appeared to be more forbidding than usual, but then really, when had _this_ door been welcoming? Sasuke was sure if he hadn't gone through with the whole 'betray Konoha' thing and tried to kill Naruto (the latter was probably the one that clinched it), Tsunade would have treated him slightly better. All that aside, he still had to go in and see her.

He knocked politely, waited for the expected 'come in' and entered. His heart thudded once, twice...

The Hokage's unwavering stare met his, as expected, but what Sasuke wasn't prepared for were the other two sitting on either side of the large desk. Jiraiya sat with a self-satisfied smirk on the right, and Kakashi, smiling like an idiot, on the left.

Were the three going to hand down some sort of divine punishment for all the wrongs he had committed? Or had the rules of the game been changed without his knowing? Even as that last thought took shape, his stomach found residence in his feet. It didn't take a genius to work out what the other two were doing here; it also didn't take an overly paranoid person to know that the Hokage knew, and by the slight narrowing of the blonde woman's eyes, the Hokage had known for quite some time. But what he didn't know was how much Tsunade knew.

"You wanted to see me, Hokage-sama?" Sasuke asked nonchalantly, congratulating himself for not squirming.

His throat worked. Now what? Was the proverbial axe going to drop and chop his head off? Or was she going to side with the other...

Eyes widened and continued to increase in size when glossy red lips stretched into a lazy feline smile.

"Shut the door, Uchiha, we have a _lot_ to discuss."

Sasuke gulped, closed the door and sidled closer. Squaring his shoulders, he met the Hokage's stare – he wasn't about to make the mistake of glancing at the other occupants of the room, knowing full well he was going to go into a murderous rampage if he did – and hoped he would walk out of this office intact.

---

Frustrated and furious with his teacher, Naruto stomped his way through Konoha in hopes of finding said pervert and beat the living shit out of him just because everything that had managed to go wrong in his life was somehow his fault.

And as he imagined all kinds of painful torture to make Jiraiya sorry for messing with his life, there were still some unanswered questions. One of them being: why Sasuke had kissed him at all that morning. Had the bastard still been drunk?

No. There hadn't been a hint of alcohol in the other's...

_So what _did _the brat taste like?_

Naruto flushed and ignored the cackling in his head. It didn't make sense at all. Why would the bastard kiss him if not for the fact that alcohol was a factor? The Uchiha couldn't have _possibly_ wanted –

No! He shook his head to dislodge that notion and tried another explanation, but only managed to hit the same brick wall. Noooo! Sasuke couldn't, just couldn't! It was so un-Sasuke-like, because Sasuke didn't like anyone. Sasuke had told him so when Naruto had drilled the Uchiha the last time he had been back.

_Brat, have you been paying attention to anything that I've said? The Uchiha brat _wants _you –_

What was he going to do? He couldn't tell anyone, but he so desperately needed to talk to _someone_! Confusion wasn't something he dealt well with, and this was beyond anything he had ever dealt with.

Tugging hard on his hair, he cursed and kicked at a defenceless bottle cap. Who could he talk to? Who –

_Denial is such an ugly thing..._

He ignored the damned Fox and spun around and headed in the other direction.

Iruka would know what to do!

One problem partly solved, but there was still one thing...

He still hadn't seen the tattoo!

---

The acid in Sasuke's stomach sloshed around his belly in the most gravity defying way. This was worse than being interrogated when he had returned from the Sound. At least back then he was parting with information he didn't care about, but this was him spilling everything about his private life – it obviously wasn't private any more – to two people who, if they could, would be jotting down details and a woman who was picking apart everything he said. Every time he decided it would be safe to leave out a glaring detail, Jiraiya would eagerly divulge what he had forgotten to mention and Kakashi would absently bob his head in affirmation.

All in all, the last hour and a half was gruelling and torturous. And if it wasn't for the fact that telling the Hokage to 'fuck off' was disrespectful and would probably earn him some sort of disciplinary punishment, he would've shouted it at the top of his lungs and hit her with a fire jutsu for good measure.

"So that's it, hm?"

Sasuke snarled at the question.

"Why ask me when you have them, _Hokage-sama_?" He glared, letting his voice drip with disdain and icy anger.

"You watch your tone, brat," Tsunade growled in return and turned to the other two in askance. "So is there any more?"

Both men shook their heads and the Hokage eased back into her seat. "I would have never thought you capable, Uchiha, and I would have never pegged you a voyeur." Sasuke spluttered in indignation at the term, but Tsunade continued without paying the teen much mind. "However, all things considered, there will be no punishment."

Instead of breathing a sigh of relief, Sasuke felt chills running up and down his spine. _Here it comes..._

"But you will be receiving training from Jiraiya to..." Tsunade paused and fished around for a word that wasn't associated with voyeur and the like. "... hone your 'observational' skills."

There was a round of ill concealed coughs and Sasuke contemplated leaping out of the open window and letting himself splatter all over the concrete ground outside.

"You can't possibly be serious!"

Tsunade's lips tugged down and the blonde woman's eyes narrowed a fraction. Anyone who came rushing into the office at that moment would've shut right up. But for those who knew her, the amused glint lurking in the background gave her away. "Do I look like I'm _joking_, Uchiha?"

Wanting to rip _something_ apart, but unable to do anything until he was out of the office, Sasuke stormed out without a word.

Keeping the frown firmly on her face, Tsunade glared in disapproval at Jiraiya. "I hope you're happy."

"Don't give me that look, Tsunade. You find this just as entertaining as I do."

With that said, the sennin and Kakashi disappeared in a whirl of leaves, leaving the Fifth Hokage alone and smirking. _Let's see how long it takes for Naruto to lose his virginity._

---

Infinitely annoyed and feeling the beginnings of worry tangle their thorny fingers around his gut, Naruto grunted and continued his way back to his own apartment.

Where was Iruka? The man had said nothing about going anywhere – all right, so he usually only half listened, but he was sure Iruka would have drawn his attention to that particular piece of information. Iruka knew he had a short attention span, so where the hell was he?

He was about to whirl around and head back to Iruka's apartment to check for clues _again_ – you never know, he could've missed something – when Naruto came face to face with a grinning Kakashi.

Yowling and stumbling back a few steps, Naruto glared death at his former teacher and tried to stop his racing heart. "Fuck! Don't scare people like that!"

"Ah, my apologies Naruto." Kakashi's eye curved in mirth.

"Yeah you better be sorry Kakashi-sensei," the blonde huffed, "If I suddenly dropped – Kakashi-sensei! Do you know where Iruka-sensei is?"

Kakashi blinked. "No, but have you checked the Academy?"

"He doesn't have classes today," Naruto murmured, and tugged hard at his hair. "Argh!!! Where could he be?"

"Why do you need to see him so badly?" the jounin asked, genuinely curious.

"Because I need advice!"

Naruto flailed and suddenly stopped and stared at Kakashi. Could he...? No... But Iruka wasn't around, and he was sure he was going to burst if he didn't get some sort of advice soon. Kakashi-sensei was trustworthy, right?

A very large part of him screamed no. It was screaming and screaming, and Naruto knew he should heed its advice – hell, screaming this loudly would mean it had something good to say right? – but then again, he was also desperate, and being desperate... Well, being desperate made him more stupid than usual.

And so, he latched onto his current Kakashi-shaped lifeline. "Kakashi-sensei!!!" he wailed pitifully and pulled the jounin back to his apartment, and proceeded to spill his guts. He might have been desperate, but he wasn't stupid enough to spill everything out where anyone could hear.

---

"Aha... I see..." Kakashi nodded sagely, watching a distraught Naruto pace back and forth in the lounge. "So Sasuke kissed you, huh..."

"Yes! Argh and I don't know why!!!" The blonde huffed and finally flopped onto the couch. He tilted his head back as far as he could and eyed the jounin sitting on the arm of said couch. "Why would he do that?" More arm waving. "You don't just up and kiss another guy! Hell, you don't just up and kiss _anyone_!! Not unless you – "

_... like the person..._ A snicker and then an exasperated sigh. _How long are you going to deny the fact that I. Am. Right._

Naruto stiffened and clammed up. 'Shut up, bastard Fox! I'm not listening to you!!'

"'Not unless you' what, Naruto?" Kakashi asked, smirking under his mask.

The blonde scowled, shook his head and tried to steer the conversation into another direction. "Why did he _do _that?"

"Oh I don't know," Kakashi said casually and scratched absent-mindedly at his mask covered face. "Maybe because he... hm..."

"'He' what, Kakashi-sensei?"

_... he wants you! He wants to get into your pants! He's going to deflower you and you are going to enjoy every second of it. How many times do I have to tell you?_

The muscle under Naruto's left eye twitched spasmodically with each reason the Fox spouted out. If only it was possible to shove his hand into his head and strangle the hell out of the damned demon... Naruto scowled and tried to ignore the enraged litany bouncing around in his skull.

Kakashi assumed the irritated flicker of emotions on his student's face as nothing more than Naruto knowing what he was going to say. And really, he was very tempted to tell the blonde that to resolve this issue, Naruto should dip himself in chocolate and beg the Uchiha to take him, but Kakashi figured that wouldn't be taken too well. So instead he hm-ed some more.

"Naruto," the jounin began slowly, "What were you two doing before the kissing?"

"Why?" the blonde looked up at his former teacher suspiciously. "You think I did something that set Sasuke off?"

"Precisely that."

Naruto's forehead furrowed. "He came over to see what the pervert had done to me... and then I was trying to guess where his tattoo was..."

Without warning, the teen shot up as if he was struck by lightning. "You don't think – "

"What Naruto?"

The red shirt was hiked up almost instantly and Kakashi, for the first time, got to see the tiny silver loop up close and personal. If he was any more of a pervert, and Kakashi didn't doubt he would get progressively worse, Naruto was in danger of getting groped – what with all that nicely toned flesh on display. However, considering he wasn't at that particular level of 'pervertedness' and he really wasn't into his own students, no matter how amusing and adorable they were at times, Naruto was relatively safe.

"He kept staring at my..." Naruto turned a brilliant shade of crimson and stared hard at the opposite wall.

"So he was staring at this?" Kakashi flicked the little hoop and Naruto flinched back and hissed.

"Don't _do_ that! What is with you people and _flicking_!!"

"Ah... So he was touching too?" the jounin asked blandly and smothered the smirk that was trying to surface when crimson turned purple. He grinned when the shirt was gingerly lowered and the teen flopped back onto the couch. Kakash noted with amusement that Naruto was now lying on his stomach and _not _on his back any more.

"You think Sasuke has a piercing fetish?" Naruto mumbled and tried to make the damned blushes go away. God could this get any worse?

"I think..." Kakashi paused and forced himself to not say that he thought Sasuke had a Naruto fetish, and righted his facial muscles so he didn't look like some sort of grinning maniac. He continued, "that Sasuke has a few unusual er... kinks, shall we say, that he is just now discovering, and you were unfortunate enough to be there when he came upon this new aspect of his life."

"So you're saying I was at the wrong place at the wrong time? But he bloody came to me!"

_And aren't you glad it was you and not someone else, kitling?_

"Shut up, you!" Naruto muttered angrily.

"Excuse me?"

"Not you..." the blonde waved distractedly at his teacher and scowled some more. "ARGH!!! Why do these things happen to me??"

Scratching absently at the side of his covered cheek, Kakashi eyed the prone figure. He hadn't thought much about it because he had assumed it was due to Naruto's anger and frustration with the situation, but there was definitely a sudden flare of the Kyuubi's chakra before Naruto's outburst. They couldn't possibly be communicating, could they?

"Naruto, why were you channelling the Kyuubi's chakra?"

Confused blue eyes stared up at him. "I wasn't. Why would I be using the bastard Fox's chakra here? I'm not fighting or anything."

"Hm..." the jounin's one eye narrowed. "Can you talk to it then? Were you telling it to shut up before?"

The blonde head ducked down to hide the red starting to seep into tanned cheeks, making Kakashi frown.

"Do you realise how dangerous that is?"

"Of course I do!" Naruto cried in indignation, "But he isn't about to take over my body and destroy Konoha! And before you start telling me that he's a demon and I shouldn't trust it – " Here blue eyes glared and stopped whatever it was Kakashi was about to say. "I _know_ that it won't take over completely, because it _can't_! We'll both die if that happened!"

"I wasn't going to tell you that you can't trust it, Naruto," Kakashi began slowly. "You would know, better than anyone else, how far the Kyuubi can take over before your body starts to disintegrate from the chakra overload. I just want you to be careful."

Tense shoulders slumped in relief, and Naruto blinked a few times to make sure he hadn't imagined the whole converstaion. It was also then that the blonde flushed in shame and embarrassment. "I... um..."

The jounin waved his hand in a dismissive gesture and studied the other's chakra to see if the Fox was saying anything else. "So what did the Fox say before?"

"I-I can't tell you that!" Naruto spluttered and Kakashi's only visible eyebrow rose.

"And why not?"

_Yes, why not, brat?_ the Fox asked smugly.

"It talked again."

"Y-you... H-he. You're all ganging up on me!!!" Naruto moaned in despair and scowled at his teacher. "You're supposed to be on _my_ side!!!"

"If you would tell me what he said..."

Scowling at the grey-haired man, and hating the demon that was rolling around in glee in his head, Naruto hunched in on himself and mumbled something.

"You're going to have to repeat that, Naruto." Another half-formed muttering, and Kakashi leaned forward in hopes of making out what was being said. "Naruto..."

"Fine fine! He says I need to get laid!!!" Naruto half-shouted, half-screamed and buried his face into his hands.

Kakashi blinked, and laughed.

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei, just laugh at your poor student! I fucking hate you all!!! I don't need to get laid! I'm perfectly fine as it is! I don't need fucking Sasuke to..."

Managing to get himself under control again, Kakashi shook his head against a new wave of chuckles. "You may not need it, Naruto, but Sasuke will probably fall apart if he doesn't get it soon."

"You bas– Wait. What do you mean Sasuke's going to fall apart?"

But even as Naruto voiced his question, Kakashi was already heading towards the door.

"Never mind, Naruto. It was nice talking to you!"

"Wait, Kakashi-sensei!"

Quickly hopping off the couch, the teen ran after his equally quick teacher, who had already disappeared down the stairs at the end of the hallway.

"Kakashi-sensei!!" he screamed, not caring that he was going to have the landlord on his back about how he needed to keep the noise down or the man was going to kick him out, blah blah blah. "Get back here you bastard and tell me what you meant!"

The only sound that could be heard was the light footsteps Kakashi was allowing the blonde to hear. When that had finally stopped, Naruto was about to turn back to his apartment and curse the jounin until both of the man's eyes were ticking like hell, but then, a soft voice filtered up the stairwell.

"Oh and Naruto-kun," Kakashi called. "I'll be expecting you at the training grounds at seven tomorrow morning."

Training? With Kakashi?

"What happened to the pervert-senin?"

"He'll be with Sasuke."

And Kakashi's chakra signature disappeared.

---

How could they do – no, no, wrong question to ask. Asking how they could do this to him was like asking someone why the sky was blue. The more appropriate question would be how they had convinced the Hokage to become involved. Despite the fact that Tsunade didn't much care for him, her precious Naruto was also roped into this, so why would she be doing this? Unless...

Sasuke's brows knitted together and he pinched the bridge of his nose. How the hell did his life get so complicated? Not that it wasn't already complicated – what with the kill Itachi thing still hanging over his head – but he didn't need to deal with this either! And now with the old pervert training him, his life wasn't going to become normal any time soon.

He turned his head up to face the spray of water and relished the soft pitter patter of warmth against his skin.

The shower was supposed to relax him – _not_ get him more worked up. He heaved a sigh, and began to knead at the tense muscles of his neck and shoulders.

And just as he was loosening the knots, this morning's musings came back to haunt him.

_'There had been something else there...'_

Why the fuck had he gone and thought that? He ran a hand through his slicked hair and gave it a vicious tug. God damn it, Uchiha! he growled, you don't need the loud mouth!

He was right, of course. He was always right, but the stupid, idiot of a blonde convinced some traitorous part of his mind that he needed a loud, obnoxious and far too cheerful companion. And now the 'companion' had been promoted to the 'object of his affection'? Gods this was screwed up.

But at least, Sasuke's mind whispered in consolation, he won't die on you.

All his anger and frustration fizzled, and he blinked his eyes open to stare blankly at the tiled wall. _Unlike his family..._

That one sobering thought shattered any hopes Sasuke had of being in denial.

---

With his supposedly relaxing shower now completely ruined, Sasuke stomped around his room, opening and slamming drawers shut. He roughly yanked on a pair of fresh boxers; and he was in the middle of stuffing his legs into a pair of torn jeans when someone knocked at his door.

Snarling and cursing the powers that be, he finished dragging on his jeans and charged for the door. Whoever it was was going to be sorry for disturbing him. He flung the door open and was about to tell the person to fuck off or die when he stopped dead. Fuck!

There standing in front of him was an equally slack-jawed Naruto.

Clamping his mouth firmly shut, Sasuke pulled on his nonchalant mask and watched with amused smugness at the blonde's goldfish impression. Apparently it was taking longer than usual for Naruto to recover from his shock, and Sasuke was disturbed to find blue eyes tracking the length of his body, from his bare feet to his bare chest and back down. The blonde's gaze settled on the threadbare denim covering his knees and a look of confusion flitted by. Was it so shocking that Uchiha Sasuke owned less than perfect clothes?

And just as quickly, Naruto's eyes flicked back up to his chest. Sasuke smirked in self satisfaction and very much wanted to say 'Ha! I'm not the only one staring!', but refrained. Instead, he casually stretched his arms and leant languidly against the door frame. His smirk widened when red started to creep into scarred cheeks. He coughed discreetly and was rewarded with an 'eep'. Naruto jerked to attention and glared.

"Bastard!"

A dark brow hiked up in question. "I wasn't the one staring."

"I-I wasn't staring!" Naruto spluttered in indignation. "I was just checking, you bastard!"

Sasuke's other brow rose to join its twin. "Checking for what?"

Naruto didn't bother answering. With a slightly shaking finger, the Uchiha watched the appendage touch his chest lightly and brush passed his nipple. Hissing at the electricity running up his spine, Sasuke caught the retreating hand and growled low in his throat.

"You've already checked for that this morning!" Sasuke snapped angrily, embarrassed that one touch could make the rest of his skin crawl with heat.

"Hey!" Yanking his hand back, Naruto scowled. "I was just making sure I wasn't seeing or not seeing things this morning! And you did more than just touch, you ass! "

It was Sasuke's turn to flush in embarrassment, and the blonde smiled smugly at having regained some advantage over the situation.

"It's just not fair." Naruto pouted. "Why do I have a ring and you don't?"

Sasuke wanted very much to say 'Because that pervert you call sensei has far worse things installed for me than just a simple nipple ring', but that would be giving too much away and he didn't want Naruto finding out what could be worse than having one's nipple impaled by metal.

"Because you're his beloved student," he muttered nonchalantly, and quickly ushered his team mate into his apartment. This was not a conversation that one should be having outside of one's apartment.

"Figures that I would get the worse deal." The blonde scowled and crossed his arms protectively over his chest, pulling the same rumpled red shirt he had on this morning taut over his chest. And if Sasuke concentrated hard at the left side of the flat expanse of Naruto's chest, he could just make out the slight indentation the nipple ring made, but he wasn't staring. Of course not!

Forcing his straying gaze back up to the other's face, Sasuke was momentarily distracted by the pink tongue swiping over soft, pouty lips. When he finally did coax his eyes back on the other's face, he found intense blue watching his every move. Gods, he had been caught staring, hadn't he?

"So, um." Naruto licked his lips again and tried not to fidget as the uncomfortably stifling silence settled over the two of them. There was no good way of asking it, and simply leaving it as some sort of unspoken thing wasn't an option. He wasn't sure how this would affect them and he certainly didn't want something that would leave them both feeling horribly awkward each time they saw each other. So taking a deep calming breath, Naruto opened his mouth and prayed that this wouldn't explode in his face. "Why did you kiss me?"

Sasuke should've known this was coming. Should've guessed that Naruto wouldn't be able to leave it alone until he got answers, but it was still a shock to the system to hear those words. He swallowed the lump threatening to choke him and stood stiffly in the middle of his lounge.

"I don't know."

And ain't that the truth, he thought angrily, not sure why he was so frustrated with the lack of answers. Despite that, Sasuke watched Naruto's face intently for any kind of emotion that might betray the blonde's thoughts, but unfortunately, there was none. What was there was a dazed sort of blankness that made Sasuke's stomach drop several storeys.

"Oh."


	10. The Art of Spying

Disclaimer: same as previous.

All right, I know most of you think I'm dead – it's close enough to the truth – and have forgotten all about this fic, but fear not! 'Tis not dead! Well not quite anyways. Uni's been trying to kill me, those of you who have stumbled into my profile already know about this, and writing has been something that I just don't have time for. So hopefully this will keep you guys occupied for the next few months – winces, it'll most likely be that amount of time, if not more, before you see any more of this – until I can wrestle the muse into submission and find a good chunk of time where I can just sit down and write.

Okay this thing is unbetaed. Current beta is busy as hell and I don't have the time or the energy to go hunt down a willing victim. So please forgive all mistakes and typos, and point them out! Enjoy.

* * *

**The Fine Art of Spying**

**_-For full version please head over to profile for links-_**

---

Was it just him, or were the dreams getting worse? Even though this dream wasn't as 'vigorous' as the previous one – he wasn't even sure if vigorous was a good word to be used in this context – it was becoming more detailed. Tiny little things that he wouldn't normally notice in the dream was starting to stand out and he had a feeling that it wasn't a good sign. Add to that he had uttered the moron's name, which was definitely _not_ a good sign.

He rolled over onto his stomach and mashed his face into the overstuffed pillows. On the other hand, he thought wryly, his boxers were still relatively dry even if it was rather uncomfortable having his hard-on trapped between his stomach and the mattress. Turning back over, he scratched absently at his belly and decided that he was going to sleep off the effects. He wasn't ready to face the world, not after how badly yesterday's afternoon discussion went.

He was about to settle back into dreamland when there was a loud cough and a shrill whistle. It was so utterly unexpected, his head shot up and he found himself starring wide-eyed at an amused and leering Jiraiya.

"Oh. My. God." He hadn't sensed him at all. Stupid stupid!

"Indeed."

The unholy grin stretched taut on Jiraiya's face widened impossibly, and when the old pervert started to waggle his eyebrows at him, Sasuke sat straight up and pulled his duvet around him. The sennin waved dismissively at his attempts at covering himself – not that he slept in the nude, but he didn't want the old man to be seeing any part of him – and sat on the end of the bed.

"Did you know you talk in your sleep, brat?"

Oh fucking hell! All the blood drained out of his face and he was sure he looked like he had just had a rollercoaster ride through hell and back. _He heard..._

"Oh don't look like that, brat." Jiraiya waved dismissively and settled himself more comfortably on the mattress. Well at least the Uchiha kid knew how to pick his mattresses. "The dreams are all part of what comes with the package, if you know what I'm saying." He lifted his eyebrows up suggestively and smirked when the already pale kid turned green.

"You're a perfectly _healthy_ male, and it's only natural that you – "

"I am _**not**_ having this conversation with you!" Sasuke screeched, and scrambled out of the bed, pulling the sheets with him. He yanked hard when the old pervert refused to get off the corner he was sitting on and uttered a string of curses that made the sennin's brows lift as he abandoned his coverings and sprinted for the bathroom before Jiraiya could see anything incriminating lurking underneath his boxers.

Rubbing his hands together, Jiraiya picked himself up and went to do a little investigating around the apartment. Know thy enemies, or in this case, know thy pupil. He might as well get to know his new student/protégé while the kid went to deal with his bodily needs.

He chuckled as he remembered some of the things that had left the Uchiha's lips and shook his head. Well at least he knew the brat could be inventive when the occasion called for it. He was starting to wonder if pairing Naruto with Sasuke was such a good idea, with the lack of similarities and all, but he was glad he'd been proven wrong. He wouldn't want his fun to end so soon.

---

Back to the shower again. The place of relaxation and contemplation. Sasuke scowled at the tile wall and wondered how much it would cost to replace the tiling if he decided to send his fist through it. He shook his head of the notion, knowing full well that his anger and frustration would most likely make the pervert more gleeful. He didn't need that on top of everything else that was wrong with his life.

Water sloshed down his back and he glanced down at himself to find that his erection was slowly dying. Well at least having that near-talk about the birds and the bees and the virility of a healthy young man was good for something. Smiling wryly, he grabbed the bar of soap and began to scrub at his skin.

He had been hoping that this whole training thing was some sort of sick joke, even if the Hokage had ordered him to train with Jiraiya there had still been a niggling hope that it was to scare him. But now that the stupid pervert was in his home and everything, Sasuke wondered if maybe it would be a good idea to take refuge in another town or city for a while until this all died down. Of course, there was the matter of being labelled a missing-nin if he did that, but nothing could be achieved without sacrifices right?

Entertaining the thought for longer than he should, he filed the option away and carefully washed around the area of the tattoo. Stupid bloody thing. He hissed when the pads of his fingers came a little too close to touching it. Stupid fucking pervert. Replacing the soap back into the holder and shuffled forward into the full spray of water.

Stupid stupid stupid. He let his eyes slip shut and wondered if he could maybe burn the tattoo off. If he clamped down hard on one of the katon techniques maybe he'd be able to burn off the top layer of skin and hopefully that would be enough to get rid of the brand. The idea stayed for all but a few handful of seconds before he shook his head free of it. He could already see the two perverts laughing their head off with glee at the very idea of him burning his own ass cheek to be rid of a god damn tattoo. He scowled. No, he'd wear the frickin' thing with dignity and show them!

... and what about Naruto? Was the idiot also thinking up ways to get rid of the Uchiha fan from the small of his back? Sasuke wasn't sure if he liked that thought or not, and wasn't sure if he wanted to find out. The idea of someone other than him donning his family symbol was both comforting and terrifying, and the strangeness of it all was amplified when the wearer was Naruto.

Dazed blue eyes flashed across his thoughts and Sasuke cringed at the events that took place yesterday. He hadn't known at the time how the blonde was going to take his answer, but he hadn't really expected the question in the first place. Correction: he had been hoping the question would never come, but it did in the end and he had blurted out the first thing that came to mind. _He didn't know..._

It was a white lie; a lie so white it could've been black. But Naruto was supposed to leave it alone so they could go back to the way they were before this whole thing blew up in their – his mostly – faces, but Naruto being Naruto, Sasuke usually ended up with something new and surprising trying to bite his head off. And from what Sasuke could tell, Naruto seemed almost disappointed and confused by his answer, what with the way the blonde had paused, blinked and finally retreated out of his apartment with an excuse of needing to go meet Iruka.

He wasn't sure if he was faring any better. He was just as confused by the way Naruto had acted and the events that had taken place, and if he _really_ wanted to do some poking around, disappointment was buried under the layers of confusion.

---

It seemed that leaving Jiraiya unattended was a very bad idea. Sasuke sighed in aggravation as he reluctantly followed the sennin to their appointed _training_ area.

When he had gotten out of the shower – yes, he did shrivel up and turn into a prune – Jiraiya was still in his bedroom, idly reading one of the scrolls in his family's collection. He had shoved the man out and was glad that nothing seemed to be out of place, that was of course before his eyes landed on his night stand. The mini treasure hunt ensued.

The messily scrawled note led him to a box of 120-pack fruit flavoured condoms stashed in his night stand drawer. And really, the first thought that struck him should not have been 'They come in super-jumbo packs?', and following that 'Do they _really_ taste like fruit?'. Then the question of how the old coot expected him to use 120 condoms in (here he had picked up the box and found the expiry date) three months whizzed through his mind. A minor calculation informed him that unless he had one point three three three three three times of sex per day in the next three months, or he could have sex more than once on some days, he would not be able to finish the box by the allotted time. Then _finally_ he had asked why he would be needing condoms in the first place.

Sasuke guessed that he should've been glad the final question _did_ come up at some point, but he was disgruntled that it wasn't the _first_ thing that had popped into his head. His annoyance had been short lived as his eyes strayed from the box to the little bottle next to it. Heat had prickled his cheeks and he quickly shut the drawer to hide the bottle of melon-scented lube.

Muttering curses and death threats, he had marched over to his chest of drawers, pulled open the one that had his boxers and deeply regretted the action. There on top of his neatly folded pairs of boxers were a replacement pair of fluffy handcuffs and a flat box. Glaring dubiously at the innocent looking white cardboard, he gingerly picked it up and opened it.

Edible underwear. There was edible underwear nestled on his boxers. His eyebrows had tried to climb off his face and take refuge in his hair.

And then everything happened in a whirlwind of motion as he violently grabbed a pair of boxers before slamming the drawer shut, got some clothes on and ran out of the apartment with Jiraiya chuckling evilly in tow.

His fists clenched and nails bit angrily into his palms. Glaring death at the old man's back, Sasuke hoped whichever women's bath – what other training area was Jiraiya going to take him to? – they were heading to had a horde of ugly manly women who were going to beat the shit out of the pervert. He would even endure a few punches – he may have betrayed Konoha before, but he did _not_ hit the female kind – if it would bring the evil tyrant down.

Inwardly cackling at the mental images, Sasuke almost missed Jiraiya suddenly halting and nearly walked right into the sennin. Cursing silently at being distracted, he opened his mouth and was about to mutter a retort of some sort when it clicked that they had reached their destination.

The beginning of the penultimate leg of his journey towards a lifetime in the pervert-hood loomed ahead, and Sasuke would give an arm and a leg – hell the whole of his liver even – if it meant he could turn back and run.

Damn his pride.

His doom awaited.

---

Naruto should've known Kakashi was going to be late, but he had hoped that things might have changed. How wrong was he? Heaving a sigh, he swiped viciously at the sweat threatening to drip into his eyes and signalled for his clone to come at him again.

He had arrived here at five in the morning – damn Sasuke for making him think too much – and had decided to get in some of this own training before seven-thirty came around. He had created several clones and the light spar that was supposed to keep him occupied for the next few hours escalated to a full out battle when one of the clones became a little _too_ competitive. It was now a quarter to eight – a dozen or so trees had been sacrificed to the powers that be as a battle of rasengan ended without a clear winner and Naruto was ready to collapse – and still no show. Kakashi was going to get an earful when he arrived.

Making himself straighten, he glared death at the two remaining clones, who were also in the same condition as him. He clenched his fists, and while his body protested and yelled at him to call a time-out, he coiled his aching muscles and was about to launch himself at his clones when he was saved from his own destruction. Neji appeared at the edge of the training area, looking both impressed and amused.

Dropping his fighting stance and gulping down the sweet, sweet air his burning lungs were demanding, Naruto waved a flopping arm at the Hyuuga as a greeting of sorts and hoped Neji would take the hint and come closer. He wasn't wasting his energy in shouting out his sentences. And just like he had hoped, the older teen sauntered over and stood just out of reach, observing everything with his Byakugan.

"I must say, Naruto, your clones are starting to be better than you."

Still trying to catch his breath, he could only manage to give Neji the one finger salute which earned him an amused smirk, while his also exhausted clone exclaimed a squeak of joy. Bastards, the lot of them!

"What... you doing... here?" Naruto managed to growl out.

A languid shrug and Neji leant backwards onto the remains of a demolished tree. "Just going to do some training."

Snorting as best as he could, Naruto wobbled to the bottle of water he had left beside his discarded jacket and scoffed. "You have a whole compound to train in. Why are you really out here, Neji?"

The lack of a reply made him growl in mock frustration and Naruto narrowed his eyes a little before letting the matter go. Neji could keep his secrets for all he cared. "Fine, don't tell me then." He added a pout for good measure.

Still no response. Huffing at his failed attempts at extracting an answer from the Hyuuga, Naruto swallowed a good half of the bottle and set it down. Glancing over, he found his clones also recovering from the strenuous work out and he groaned in exasperation when the telltale gleam of doom entered both their eyes. _Here comes another round..._

"So has Sakura given you the third degree for not protecting her Lee's eyebrows?" Neji asked conversationally, which had Naruto glancing up in surprise because the Hyuuga was hardly the conversational type.

"Yes," he muttered and stretched his arms above his head to try to get his muscles to relax a bit before he had to go and abuse them again. "Did she yell at you too?"

"Yes." The answer was curt and to the point, and Naruto snorted.

"And you just let her yell while you stood there impassively, didn't you?"

"I was before she started putting her gloves on."

Naruto cackled and could see the image of a rather panicked Neji trying to calm an enraged Sakura before she could punch him into next week, or the next month if she was in a particular foul mood. Letting his arms drop back to his sides, he made a face at how his too loose T-shirt was now stuck to his skin and hurriedly stripped out of it. Yes, Kakashi was definitely going to be deaf when he arrives. How long had he been working out?

He dropped the limp bundle to the ground and turned back to Neji. "Hey Neji..." He let the sentence trail off and watched dumbly as an equally shocked Hyuuga stared back at him. Was there something on his face? Did he grow a second head? What the hell?

Unnerved by the intense stare – the Byakugan was still activated – Naruto opened his mouth to ask just what the hell was Neji staring at when something peeked out of the other teen's nose. He grimaced while his mind screamed 'ew booger!' in the most childish voice he could summon.

"Um, no offense man, but you need to," Naruto paused and watch with wide eyes as said booger, well not a booger now that it continued its descent. "Oh shit man." He hurriedly snatched up his shirt and moved towards a still stunned Neji. "Are you all right? You're bleeding."

That seemed to snap the Hyuuga out of whatever world he had disappeared off to. A hand quickly snapped up to touch his heated face and Neji almost eeped when Naruto reached for him with his shirt.

"Hey are you – " Naruto backed off a little, not sure why Neji was so jumpy all of a sudden.

"Uh, yes! I have to go!" And with that the Hyuuga hightailed it out of there as if Naruto was infected with some sort of highly contagious disease that could be passed on just by looking.

"W-wait!" Naruto scratched at his head and scowled. "Neji you ass! Come back here and explain what the hell just happened!"

"Explain what?" Whipping around, he found himself starring at a curious Kakashi who was staring down at his chest.

His chest! Oh shit! Was Neji staring at his nipple ring before? The pervert!

---

"So," Kakashi urged, cocking a brow as the blonde in front of him flushed and tried to cover his bared chest by crossing his arms. Waving the gesture aside, Kakashi sat down languidly on a fallen tree and smiled benignly. "Don't bother, Naruto, I've already seen it."

"Well it seems _everyone_ is going to see it at some point in time!" the blonde huffed in displeasure and stopped trying to hide the little silver loop, instead he nullified his jutsu and dumped aside his shirt that he had still been clutching. "You're late, Kakashi-sensei!"

Letting a look of mild amusement cross his face, Kakashi leaned back against a nearby tree and let his eyes wonder up and down the length of the bared torso. It seemed Naruto was more comfortable with himself now, or was it because Sasuke wasn't here to stare?

"Stop fucking staring!" the blonde screeched. "You said you've already seen it so stop fucking staring already!"

Kakashi grinned and watched as his blonde student quickly picked up his discarded T-shirt and hastily put it back on. He shook his head in dismay, not knowing whether Naruto was truly oblivious to the fact that he was a good looking boy – young man, he corrected, even though the blonde was prone to act like a child at times – or he was just in denial. Whatever the case, he was most definitely going to wheedle the youth about what had just taken place. After all, it wasn't everyday he saw the legendary Hyuuga lose his composure like that.

"So," he tried again. "What does Neji have to explain?"

Blue eyes squinted at him in suspicion and he had to stop his own eyes from curving up in a smile. "You saw everything didn't you Kakashi-sensei?"

Busted. "Well I thought I did," he began truthfully enough. "But by the way you're blushing," at this Naruto turned ten shades darker, "I'm beginning to wonder if something _else_ had taken place before I dropped by."

Let the fun begin...

---

For crying out loud, Sasuke thought with a grimace, how long were they going to keep running around Konoha? They had left fairly early this morning and it was nearing lunch time and they were _still _bouncing around the place looking for something. If Sasuke didn't know better, he would've thought Jiraiya was making him run just for the hell of it.

"Look Jiraiya-sama," he interrupted as politely as possible, "if we're not doing something useful in the next minute I'm leaving – "

There was a loud snort and a muttered "Disrespectful brats, the lot of them!" before the old man stopped and faced Sasuke with a scowl.

"Look here, brat," Jiraiya growled. "You're under orders from Tsunade, and if I decide that we're going to run around like idiots for the day, then we run around like idiots for the day. Got it?"

He opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off as the old man continued as if he had nodded in agreement. He scowled.

"But lucky for you, we're here and there will be something 'useful' to be learnt here!"

"And that would be?"

"Today's lesson will be on spying."

"I already know how to spy."

"Obviously you don't because I didn't even try when I found you spying on the brat," Jiraiya scoffed and ushered the two of them to the back of the bath house they had stopped in front of. And if Sasuke wasn't so busy spluttering in rage and indignation, he would've noticed that that was the first bath house they had passed by this morning and they had basically done giant loop around Konohagakure to get back to this point.

"Oh don't try to deny it! You _were_ spying on the brat, even Kakashi caught you in the act!"

"For fuck's sake I wasn't _trying_ to do anything! I felt his chakra and – "

"Whatever you say, brat, whatever you say," Jiraiya murmured with disinterest and tapped the wooden fence behind him.

"All right, enough talk. We're spying today and because I don't like looking at men, and I might as well," An exasperated sigh here. "Teach you to at least _appreciate_ the beauty of the female form – not that I'm approving or encouraging you to go out there and cheat on the kid – "

Sasuke bristled and snarled in irritation. Why wouldn't they listen to him? "Naruto and I aren't even a couple! And I don't like him!"

Jiraiya carried on as if he hadn't spoken at all, " – because I'll have to gut you from novel to mouth and feed you to Gamabunta – not that the old toad would like to hear about how you broke one of his underling's hearts. It may not look it, and don't go yabbering all this to the brat because he'll most likely come yammering to me and gush and it's just not pretty when he does that, but the brat's family and if you so much as show any signs of interest or attraction to someone else, it'll be," a rather sharp and pointy kunai appeared in Jiraiya's hand, and the man waved it about dangerously, "a slow and painful death. And if Tsunade gets a whiff of this, well let's just say the woman knows how to use medical jutsu for something _other_ than healing."

He found himself staring, and just staring. Sasuke knew that if he could see himself in the mirror now he would look like a gaping goldfish, with mouth hanging open and eyes bugged out.

Gods... it was like he had already married into this pseudo-family of nutcases and he was getting the third degree from his father-in-law because he had been showing signs of infidelity. So where the hell were _his_ concerned and over protective parents?

Oh right, dead. Wonderful...

He wondered briefly if Itachi had foreseen how twisted his future was becoming. Probably not. His brother wanted his entire future to be covered in blood, gore and revenge, but Sasuke could bet that his psycho-of-a-brother didn't know that not only had his plans been foiled by Konoha's number one idiot, but all the blood, gore and revenge was turning into spying, tattoos and losing his virginity. The sudden urge to laugh hysterically and shout 'HA! Take that aniki! Your plans have been ruined by Naruto and instead of going insane from plotting your demise I'm going out of my mind because they're trying to make me into a pervert! How do you like _that_?'.

The irony.

---

It had started with a 'So let me get this straight...', and Kakashi wondered if this very strange progression from training – they didn't even get to that – to once again sitting – well he was sitting, Naruto was sprawled across his couch slurping at his third cup of instant ramen – in the blonde's lounge/kitchen had anything to do with the bloody childhood/teenagehood he had had. Was this some sort of way his mind was making up for his lack of normal communication about life in general he had missed over the past decade?

He would have accepted that reason if he had breasts and was of the female kind, but unfortunately he wasn't and this bizarre shift from using sharp pointy weapons to improve Naruto's skill in killing people to a one-sided heart-to-heart – Naruto _was _the only one doing the sharing because Kakashi was sure as hell not going to get into his personal issues – was starting to make him feel like he had missed something or Nature was implying that he should've had an extra dose of oestrogen in his system to balance things out.

It wasn't that he didn't like hearing about how his students were being utter idiots, and this never ending dance they were engaged in was spiralling out of control, but Kakashi had never expected to be Naruto's voice of reason and all things wise. That was Iruka's department and god help him, he was starting to feel slightly guilty for even knowing this much. It was definitely a sign from above that he should run for the hills and leave Naruto alone to his brooding and confusion, but alas, Kakashi could never abandon his student like that – well not just yet anyway.

"... and then blood started coming out of his nose!"

Ah yes. Wading through his thoughts, Kakashi focussed back on Naruto and found the teen sporting a faint blush. Well, it certainly didn't take a genius to figure out why the Hyuuga started to spew blood out of his nose.

"And you concluded that Neji – "

" – is a pervert!" Naruto muttered, noisily chewing on his mouthful of noodles and hiding his red face behind the plastic cup.

Kakashi nodded. "And it was because he was staring at your ring?"

The blonde head bobbed in confirmation, and Kakashi wondered briefly if Naruto had ever entertained the thought that maybe, just maybe, it was because he was shirtless and glistening with sweat that had triggered the inevitable nosebleed. But no, this was his oblivious student he was talking about, and knowing Naruto the blonde wouldn't know that he was even moderately attractive in that way. It was both amusing and frustrating. Amusing in that Naruto would give blank looks when certain people show more than a little interest when he struts by, and frustrating because well, if the blonde numbskull knew he was hot – as Kakashi suspects that was what went through Neji's head at the time – then there wouldn't be a sexually frustrated Sasuke waiting to blow up in all their faces.

"Yes!" Naruto huffed in embarrassed exasperation, breaking him out of his thoughts. "How many times have I gone over this, Kakashi-sensei? Neji was staring at the damned ring and blood started gushing out of his nose."

"What about Sasuke?"

He shrugged languidly at the 'you just _had_ to ask' look he received and leaned back into the overstuffed bean bag.

"What _about_ Sasuke?" the blonde asked cautiously, squirming a little in his seat.

So we're going to play that game? Grinning behind his mask, he absently reached up to scratch at his covered nose.

"Did Sasuke get a nose bleed when he saw the ring? Or did he bypass that stage and went straight for the kiss?"

He chuckled at the indignant sputtering as Naruto turned an interesting shade of purple. "That was— It had nothing to do with _that_!"

"Oh but I think it has everything to do with that," Kakashi drawled. "I'm sure if Sasuke hadn't jumped the gun and kissed you, he would've been covered in his own blood."

"Damn right, he would've! I'd thrown a dozen shurikens at his head!"

"Now, now, Naruto, you don't need to get nasty."

There was an indignant hmph followed by the loud slurp of noodles, and Kakashi assumed the silence meant the blonde didn't want to talk about it any further. And maybe, if he crossed his fingers and toes, they would be able to get back to the training grounds and do some actual training! Trying to hurry the process along – call him bloodthirsty, but he was itching to stab something with a kunai just to prove that he wasn't going soft with listening to Naruto's problems – he stood lazily and stretched.

"Well Naruto," he began, slowly making for the door. "If we're done – "

"I asked him, you know," Naruto blurted before Kakashi had even made it half way to the door.

Kakashi froze mid-step and cast a questioning glance back towards the now fidgeting young man staring at him with slightly panicked blue eyes. "Naruto, if you don't want to tell me – "

He had been so close! So so close! Where was Iruka when he needed him?

"No! I do! I mean," A pause as a pink tongue peaked out to lick suddenly dry lips. "I... I asked him why."

"'Why'?" Resigning himself to his fate as mentor and guide to all things in life, Kakashi moved back to his seat and watched Naruto mull over what he wanted to say.

"Why he kissed me."

"Oh?"

Well that was certainly a big move. Kakashi had half expected the two of them to forget what happened and move on – no matter how awkward – and pretend everything was hunky dory until it killed them, but this was certainly an interesting development. A very big development, and if Kakashi may say so himself, a very mature move on Naruto's part. Very unexpected.

"Yeah..." Naruto trailed off, gaze going distant and the corners of his lips started to dip in a frown. "He told me he didn't know."

And as expected when it came to one Uchiha Sasuke. "Ah."

"Yeah..."

Leaning back and observing his student, he wondered if there was something more than just mere physical attraction at play here. Sasuke was acting like any hotblooded teenager – well, any hotblooded homosexual teenager – but Kakashi suspected there was something else underneath that that the Uchiha was not willing to poke and prod at, while Naruto...

"And what do you think, Naruto?"

"What?"

"Why do you think Sasuke kissed you?"

"Because I'm just so damn hot and sexy," Naruto said without much humour, tilting his head so he could look at the expression on Kakashi's face. Whatever the youth saw made whatever expression he had bled away. "What? You think— Oh fuck no, Kakashi! Sasuke is _not_ attracted to me in any way, shape or form!"

"Then how do you explain the kiss?" Kakashi couldn't help the smile that was stretching his lips. He had such high hopes for Naruto, but no. Denial seemed to always win in the end.

"A moment of insanity?" Naruto offered hopefully. "I don't know, okay? Do we really need to delve into Sasuke's psyche?"

"But wasn't that the reason why you asked Sasuke?"

There was a splutter of frustration and Naruto shot up, face red with anger and embarrassment. "You're taking his side!"


	11. Condoms

Disclaimer: same as previous.

Okay, this took a long time to get out. Life is trying to kill me and the must has decided to pack its bags and skidaddle out of my brain. So don't expect any updates any time soon. Although I do hope you enjoy this latest chapter because it has been a while and it's kind of refreshing doing this fic again.

* * *

**Condoms**

"So, how did it go?"

"It was like trying to drag a stubborn mule up a mountain."

"That bad, huh."

"Makes me wonder if he ever listens to anyone!"

"He does when he feels the need."

"So how goes the training with the brat?"

"There hasn't been any training."

"Oh? I thought the brat would be bugging you to teach him the chidori or something by now."

"No, Naruto's been too preoccupied with the recent developments."

"Ah... the kiss, right?"

"That and Hyuuga Neji had a major nose bleed from the nipple ring."

A bark of laughter filled the semi-dark room as lightning streaked across the sky. "It's always the quiet ones. Maybe we should start recruiting."

"Maybe..."

--

Bored, bored and bored.

Sasuke drummed his fingers uselessly on top of his night stand and scowled at the fact that he was bored, and really he shouldn't be. A great ninja should devote most, if not all, of his time on training and honing his skills. So why wasn't he doing this?

One reason was probably to do with the sky working against him by saturating the whole of Konohakagure with rain – not that a little rain would stop him normally, but it wasn't just spitting, it was _pouring_. And as much as he liked to look like a drowned rat, Sasuke wasn't fond of wringing out the excess fluid from his clothes before he entered his apartment afterwards, nor did he like feeling cold and wet in general. So training outside was not an option.

He could read scrolls! Yes, that had also come to mind, but unfortunately for him, it was just one of those days that his mind refused to comprehend anything his eyes took in – well no, not really but he wasn't going to dwell on the _real_ reason why he wanted to scream and rave and do nothing in general. He could read an entire book and come out scratching his head and asking himself 'just what the fuck was that about?'. So no, reading would be an utter waste of his time and energy. The same could be said about sharpening his shurikens and kunais because he was sure he'd take off a finger or two if he wasn't paying attention. Needless to say, he was taking a break from being Uchiha Sasuke today, and anything and everything related to ninjas and killing were going to be set aside so he could be bored and not think about _that_.

Letting out an exasperated sigh, he rubbed tiredly at his forehead, leaned forward and pulled open the night-stand's drawer. Maybe there was something in here that could keep him entertained for five minutes before he started yanking out his hair in frustration.

He rifled through the drawer's contents, gingerly pushed aside the green bottle of lube and the thin cardboard box – he didn't understand why he didn't just throw out the edible underwear – and came to the super-jumbo box of condoms. His hand stilled over the box, despite how frantically his mind was telling him to leave it alone, he deftly picked it up and opened it. Curiosity was going to kill him some day.

Going through the different coloured foil packages, he pulled out seven and laid them on his bed. Seven flavours: cherry, green apple, banana, strawberry, grape, watermelon and fruit punch. Did they really taste like what they say they tasted like?

He knew he shouldn't even be thinking about this sort of thing, but... Picking up the white innocuous looking fruit punch flavour, he looked at it this way and that and stared. What was fruit punch suppose to be? The others he could comprehend, but fruit punch?

Scowling and hating himself for what he was about to do, he ripped the packaging and pulled out the circle of rubber. Fuck! He couldn't believe he was doing this. Bringing it close to his nose, he gave it an experimental sniff and found a lingering scent of strawberries mixed with grapes. And before his mind could convince his body to fling the offending object across the room, his tongue peeked out and swiped across the condom.

Rolling the taste of it around, he came to the conclusion that it tasted fruity – which wasn't the greatest of all deductions and any idiot could come up with it. Hating himself more by the second, he took another experimental lick and came to the conclusion that fruit punch was a stupid flavour that was made to fool the unsuspecting and curious. Not liking the fact that he had been tricked into doing something so utterly stupid, Sasuke scowled at the condom and set it ablaze with a simple fire jutsu.

It wasn't the best idea he had had in his life – coughing and choking on the acrid smoke wasn't something he wanted to do – but at least it made him feel slightly better. With the offending piece of rubber reduced to an amorphous worm-like thing, he carelessly tossed it into the bin and got up off the bed.

If entertaining himself was going to be so damned hard, he might as well clean. At least cleaning was slightly productive, albeit boring.

--

Growling low in his throat and throwing another punch at the dummy he had made, Naruto pounced on the defenseless thing and tore it off its ropes. The make-shift 'Sasuke' thwapped about on the floor and made no move to defend itself, but despite that it brought him no joy.

Stupid fucking Sasuke!

Stupid fucking Kakashi!

He had gotten very little sleep last night because of what Kakashi had said and really, he had no idea what he was running on at the moment.

"Shit shit shit!" Each curse was punctuated with a good punch to the Sasuke dummy.

Now what was he going to do? Neji was a pervert. Sasuke might be attracted to him. The world was coming to an end.

_You forgot the fact that you're still branded_.

'Oh thank you so very much for reminding me!' He scowled. Damned Fox.

_You're very welcome, ungrateful whelp!_

He would've stuck out his tongue just to be irritating, but there was no one to poke his tongue at. Flopping back uselessly on the couch – he'd been lying on this thing for too long – he stared miserably up at the ceiling and contemplated on what to do. Should he beat the shit out of the dummy some more or do something else? It wasn't like he could do very much training considering how the sky just decided to open up and pour down torrents upon torrents of water, and he doubted he'd be able to concentrate at all.

_You could always hunt down the Uchiha brat and..._

'Don't even think about finishing that sentence,' he warned and sat upright.

Rummaging through the stack of semi-clean clothes – laundry was the least of his worries at the moment – he picked out a wrinkled blue shirt and a pair of jeans. He was going to go find Sasuke.

_Brat, I _told _you that already, but you never take advice from your elders!_

'Shut up, you! I'm going to find Sasuke to _talk_! Not to do any of the perverted stuff you were going to suggest!'

_No one said you can't talk to him. In fact, you can talk _and_ get laid!  
_

He growled deep in his throat and glared at nothing in particular. 'Look you, the only thing I'll be doing is demanding to know whether or not that bastard is attracted to me. After that I'm going to come back here and that will be _that_!'

_And if he says he's attracted to you? Are you finally going to listen to me and get deflowered?_

He hadn't thought of that. What if Sasuke _was _attracted to him? What then? He shook his head and decided to think about that later. The chances of Sasuke being attracted to anyone was so low, he doubted it would matter.

'Horny bastard! Don't you ever get tired of being a pervert?'

_Brat, once you've been living for as long as I have – and yes, I am speaking from experience! – you start to appreciate the simple, less complicated things in life._

Naruto snorted in derision and headed out his door and into the rain. Simple and less complicated indeed.

--

Glancing briefly at the clock Sasuke was shocked to find that it had only been an hour. In that hour he had managed to vacuum, dust and tidy everything in his apartment; either his apartment was tiny or he worked very fast.

Replacing the last of his scrolls onto the shelf, he was about to go flop on the couch and wait till boredom overtook him again when there was a loud bang on his door and a muffled 'open up you bastard!'.

Frowning and wondering if he could just leave the idiot on his doorstep, he went to open the door anyway and snorted at the sight. Naruto, for a lack of a better phrase, looked like a drowned rat. blond spikes were plastered to the moron's scalp like a skull cap, while dripping fat drops of water into angry blue eyes. He would've found it hilariously funny if not for the fact that what should be loose fitting clothes were also stuck to the slim, toned body it was covering. All the spit in his mouth dried and god damn it, he was _not_ a horny bastard! Not at all! Even if the voice in his head was screaming 'Nipples! Nipples! Nipples!', he was still _not_ a horny bastard!

"Stop staring and let me in!"

That definitely snapped him out of it, and the ever familiar downward tug of his lips made him feel a lot better. Scowling, he held the door open a tad more and allowed Naruto to trek a wet trail past him.

"Just how long have you been out in the rain, moron?"

He was not worried! Not at all! If the idiot decided to go out running around in the rain and end up catching his death, it wasn't his problem!

"Not long," Naruto turned and arched a brow. "What, Uchiha? Getting concerned about little old me?"

"Not likely," he scoffed, but snagged the other's soaking shirt sleeve and started to drag his protesting friend down the hall and into the bathroom. "Just don't want you to drop dead in the middle of my home."

"Aw! Sasuke is worried about me!" Naruto gushed, trying to push the warm fuzzies back down into the pit of his stomach while controlling the blood flow to his cheeks. Why the fuck was he blushing of all things? "Oi! Why am I in your bathroom?"

"Because," Sasuke drawled, turning on the shower head to hot and shoving a very confused Naruto under it. "You were dripping all over the place." When the blond tried to squirm his out of the scalding water, he grabbed a handful of hair – he hated hair pulling, but if that was the way to get Naruto to stay, then so be it – and shoved a yelling Naruto back under. "Take a shower before you catch your death, idiot."

"Ow! Hot, you bastard! I'll burn to death!"

There was a brief scuffle until a petulant Naruto huffed in defeat and started to peal his shirt off. Blood gushed unbidden to Sasuke's face and he whipped around and dashed out of the bathroom before the blond could take any more clothes off.

--

Flushing at the implications of what a fleeing Sasuke could mean –

_It can _only_ mean two things, brat. _Kyuubi drawled with glee. _The brat thinks you're butt ugly or I was right and the Uchiha brat wants you _bad.

– Naruto tried to suppress fluttering in his belly and kicked the rest of his clothes off, and threw it into a little heap on the tiled floor before tilting his head up to the spray. He entertained the idea that Sasuke might be attracted to him for all but a few handful of seconds before shaking his head vigorously to clear the thoughts. There were better things to do – like straight out asking the bastard so he wouldn't have to think about this anymore – and he really wanted things to go back to normal soon. If not, he was sure his head was going to pop off and Kyuubi will come running out of his cracked skull and dance on his corpse.

There was an amused gaffaw in his head and he winced as the internal noise bounced around between his ears. 'Would you keep it down!'

_Ah, but brat, you paint such an interesting image..._

'Shut up!'

Mood darkening once more – he hated to admit it, but the bastard was right about getting warm – he slowly reached for the little orange bar of soap and looked at it this way and that in suspicion. He had stayed over at Sasuke's place once or twice, but he had never _bathed_ here – he was either past out from too much alcohol or had already showered before coming over to watch a movie with the guys. So yes, this was indeed a new experience for him and who could blame him for being a little suspicious of what the Uchiha kept in his bathroom.

Carefully sniffing the soap, he was surprised to find the pleasant scent of sandalwood waft up his nose. He didn't think Sasuke was a person who would use anything scented. The Uchiha seemed like the type who would go out of his way to buy something that had no smell whatsoever, as all good ninja were supposed to. Although, he wasn't one to talk considering he had a small stock of soap that smelled like watermelon. Shrugging and finally feeling tense muscles relax, he lathered himself up and scrubbed carefully around his lower back. That thing still hurt like a bitch.

He scowled and his thoughts drifted to the many possible ways he could maim and kill the old pervert, which somehow meandered to wondering about what Sasuke's tattoo could be. By this point Naruto was so utterly enraptured with tracing the floral tattoo designs that could be adorning Sasuke's skin with his mind's eye, he had completely forgotten about the ever present voice in his head laughing madly in glee.

--

He would've stomped on himself if he could for being such an obvious and stupid idiot. Sasuke scowled and rummaged around in his drawer for clothes that Naruto could wear, and found himself going through his small wardrobe several times looking for a top that did not have the Uchiha fan on it. However, as the fates would have it, the only top that fit that category was something that was so heinously small Sasuke doubted a fifteen year old would even be able to fit it let alone Naruto.

Throwing it aside and resigning himself to once again having his family crest being worn be someone else other than himself, he reluctantly fished out one of his regular navy shirts along with a pair of loose fitting cargos. He stared mournfully at the shirt and bunched it up angrily along with the pants. Wondering if he should include a pair of boxers as well, he threw in a pair anyway and marched angrily back to the bathroom.

Not only was he letting the moron wear his family crest, but he was also lending him underwear! It was...

_... almost like they're married...?_

The frown marring his face turned into an ugly scowl and he proceeded to stomp even harder on the wooden floors of his apartment. Not bothering to knock, he barged into the bathroom and was glad that the moron was still in the shower and thus behind the shower curtain. He was sure nudity in this context was going to make things worse, not that nudity in any context was going to make things better.

"Oi, moron!" he semi-yelled over the noise of the shower, and cocked his head to the side as a bar of soap grazed his ear.

"How many bloody times do I have to repeat myself? I. Am. _Not_. A. Moron, asshole!"

"Fine, idiot. I'll be in the kitchen so come find me when you're done in here."

There was an outraged gargle and Sasuke was amused to find a red-faced Naruto peer at him around the shower curtain. "You came in here to tell me that?! You could've done that outside!"

"Ah, but," he drawled, mood lifting at the anger rising on the blond's face. "You wouldn't get these," he waved the bundle of clothes tauntingly, "if I didn't come in here. I'm sure you don't want a repeat of _that_ again."

If Naruto's scowls could kill, Sasuke was sure this was a very good attempt at achieving that. "Right if you don't want your clothes..."

"Bastard, if you don't put those down I swear I'll tackle you in my birthday suit!"

A dark brow lifted and little did Naruto know Sasuke and Kyuubi were thinking the same thing. _That's supposed to be threatening?!_

And apparently Sasuke had voiced his opinion because there was a strangled gurgle from a now blushing Naruto. Feeling blood rushing to his face as well, Sasuke coughed loudly into the awkward silence and dumped the pile of clothes on the nearby counter. Without so much as a sarcastic remark, he turned swiftly on his feet and slammed the bathroom door behind him as he walked out.

_Well that certainly went well_, Kyuubi drawled before breaking out into helpless chortles. _Oh whelp, you really need to learn how to threaten people._

'Shut up, you bastard!'

_Yeah, yeah. How many times have I heard that for the past few weeks?_

'Shut _up_!'

--

Banging pots around the kitchen in hopes of relieving some of his anger and embarrassment, Sasuke was pissed to discover that no amount of banging – pot banging, damn it! – was going to make him feel better. Swinging a particularly large copper saucepan through the air, he forced himself to take in a deep calming breath and lowered the potential weapon.

He was a ninja, damn it! And self control was something that should come to him naturally. He should be able to withstand anything!

_...all except Naruto... _

Scowling at his thoughts and wishing to hell he could throw the saucepan across the room, he calmly forced his hands to let go of the handle and made himself walk stiffly to the sink. Tea. He would make tea. Tea was supposed to calm the nerves and everything else in general.

Setting the water to boil on the stove, Sasuke went about locating the plain brown ceramic teapot, which was a simple enough task. But finding the tin of green tea powder he had stashed away was another matter. It wasn't that he was trying to impress the blonde idiot, but serving something other than the best to a guest – well, calling Naruto a guest was pushing it considering how his friend seem to think he could just barge in whenever he liked – went against everything his mother had drummed into him. So with his usual frown plastered on his face, he rummaged through the cupboards and would have whooped in triumph if it wasn't so out of character.

He dumped a good sized heap of green powder into the little teapot and poured in the steaming water. The rising plume of white hit him pleasantly in the face and he was reminded briefly of the many times his mother would set a freshly made pot of tea onto the table along with a plate of seaweed sprinkled rice crackers as afternoon tea. He paused and his brows wrinkled.

Where had that...

--

Roughly dragging the plush towel through his wet hair, he tugged a little at the dark blue shirt hanging loosely on his frame and the pair of worn sweatpants clinging desperately to his hips. Damn the bastard for still being bigger than him. It wasn't that he hadn't grown at all for the past few years, but it seemed that no matter how much height or build he gained Sasuke would always beat him.

Pouting at the injustice of it all, he draped the towel around his shoulders and stomped his way into the kitchen. The bastard better be ready for an earful, because he sure as hell was going to –

He paused mid step and watched in bemusement at the blank and slightly confused expression that Sasuke was wearing. What? Moving closer, he wondered if the bastard had finally cracked and staring into a half full teapot was his way of entertaining himself, but that idea quickly skittered by when the beginnings of a thoughtful frown appeared. No, not entertainment. A thought of some sort, and a dark brooding one at that.

Flinging the towel onto the back of the couch, he stepped silently beside Sasuke and gently pried the kettle away from his silent friend.

"Oi, Sasuke," he murmured gently, not wanting to startle the other man. Ninjas were very jumpy creatures. "Go sit down."

He finished pouring the water into the pot, and fished out two mugs from the cupboard behind him. Seeing the frown getting worse, Naruto wondered what was wrong now. "What?"

"I could've done that." If Uchihas could pout...

Naruto shrugged and grabbed the two mugs with one hand while his other reached for the pot of tea. Setting the items down, he went back and scrounged around for the pack of cookies he had hidden in one of the cupboards. He knew they would come in handy some day – that and he also knew Sasuke would never have anything sweet lying around the place and he took it upon himself to try and keep a secret stash of sweets in his apartment. Tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth, he reached to the very back of the cupboard and would've gone cross-eyed when a hand gripped at his wrist and pulled his arm out.

"Wha – ?"

He would've gotten more out if not for the sudden awareness of the solid wall of warmth pressed against his back. Flushing and hating himself for reacting to Sasuke's sudden close proximity, he growled in what he hoped was a 'back off or I'll bite your nose off' growl.

"If you're trying to find that pack of cookies you've left behind the last time you were here," Sasuke drawled, not letting go of Naruto's wrist, led the boy to the pantry. "They've been relocated."

Still blushing and trying to ignore the hand clamped around his wrist, Naruto gave an experimental tug and wasn't pleased when Sasuke didn't seem to get the message. If anything, it only seemed to increase the grip and the flow of blood to his face increased ten fold. Gods why wasn't he letting go?

"Sas—"

The words 'you need to let go now or I'm going to faint from all the blood rushing to my head' were on the tip of his tongue but they never made it out as the pantry door slid open. There amidst the neat rows of packaged food and cans was a small corner stocked with cup ramen, cookies and junk food. His eyes bugged out a little and he stared wordlessly as Sasuke reached in, grabbed a packet of chocolate chip cookies and dumped it in his arms.

"I-I thought you don't – "

"I don't," Sasuke mumbled, moving swiftly back to his seat but not before Naruto noticed the slight pink tinge marring his cheeks.

"Then why do you – "

"Because I don't want you hiding food in my cupboards."

Scowling a little to hide the fact that the corners of his lips were threatening to pull up into a face-splitting grin, Naruto huffed and fished out a half-eaten pack of rice crackers. "Here," he muttered and unceremoniously slumped into a chair.

"And besides, I _know _you don't like rice crackers," Sasuke stated redundantly, and Naruto huffed even more as he began munching on a cookie.

Glancing up Naruto found Sasuke attacking his own rice cracker with a single-minded intent. He smirked. Well at least he wasn't the only person finding this situation odd. Although, if anyone bothered to ask him – and very few people did – he thought the entire situation, from when he first returned to Konoha till now, was so crazy he wouldn't be surprised if someone informed him he could have children. Not knowing whether that was a horrifying thought or not, he nearly jumped out of his skin when dark eyes stared at him. His lips twitched of their own accord and pulled into his customary grin. Taking another bite, he washed it down with a gulp of tea and waited. He was definitely not going to be the one to start this conversation even if he _really _wanted to get the questions over and done with.

"So start talking, moron."

It had been easy enough when he had been discussing his plans and basically shouting and screaming at Kyuubi, but now he wasn't so sure. Taking his time chewing the morsel in his mouth, he mulled over how to begin when dark eyes glared expectantly at him. He glared back with just as much irritation, if not more, and hacked off another bite of cookie just to annoy the Uchiha further because damn it to hell, he will start whenever he damned pleased!

"Naruto!"

"Fine fine. Gees, Sasuke, you'd almost think – "

"Get on with it or get out."

"This is one of the reasons why people don't like to visit you, Sasuke," Naruto chided mildly and twiddled his fingers a little. Taking a deep breath and saying goodbye to the world as he knew it, he began shaping the question he wanted to ask.

_Are you attracted to me?_

Even though the words formed in his mind were simple enough, what came out of his mouth was a different matter. He found himself blinking in confusion as his ears registered the question he had just voiced. 'Can I see your tattoo?' was very different from 'Are you attracted to me?', and it left him all the more bewildered why that would come out of his mouth instead of his intended question.

And it seemed he wasn't the only one shocked. Sasuke was staring at him with an expression that told him that the Uchiha wasn't sure whether he should be astonished or angry, and Naruto would've laughed too if it didn't entail him having to explain why he had asked that. As it was, he wanted to crawl into a hole and hide until he was a hundred and ten.

"Uh, what I meant was..."

The sentence petered off into silence as he tried to think up a way to try and salvage things, but there was very little he could say to change what he had asked to something else. It also didn't help that the Fox was howling its head off in the back of his head, and the shrill laughs were making the back of his eyeballs hurt.

"You came all the way over here in the rain to ask about my tattoo?"

The question was asked calmly enough, but Naruto could hear the undercurrent of a threat and his eyes narrowed in annoyance. It wasn't his fault that his mouth went and talked without his consent!

"So what if I had, bastard? Are you going to kick me out?"

He crossed his arms over his chest and he glared at the Uchiha.

"Yes, I am," Sasuke stated calmly and stood to remove Naruto from his seat.

Blinking in confusion and wondering why Sasuke wasn't yelling back at him.

"W-wait a minute! You can't just – "

"I can when you're wasting my time."

Naruto watched dumbly as Sasuke moved to stand behind his chair. He was still immobile when pale hands landed on his shoulders and began to urge him to stand. It was only when he was half way up that his brain finally decided to stop spluttering protests and other blathering nonsense and got back on track.

"Wait a frickin' minute!"

"No."

"Yes! I just want one look!"

All thoughts about asking Sasuke whether or not he was attracted to him flew out the window. He could ask that as soon as he got a glance at this mysterious tattoo, because he was _not_ avoiding the issue at hand!

_Sure you're not, kit._

He wasn't!

"No."

By this time Naruto was already half way to the door and no amount digging his feet into the carpet was slowing the Uchiha in kicking him out.

"Stop being such an ass! You've seen mine, it's only fair that I get to see yours too!"

"Life's not fair, Naruto, deal with it."

Almost to the foyer. Biting hard on his lip, he turned his most hated puppy dog eyes – yes, he did indeed have that up his sleeves and according to the pervert it was the dirtiest trick in the book – at the Uchiha and hoped to hell it would have some sort of effect. Because knowing Sasuke, most things that Naruto found worked on his other friends didn't apply to the Uchiha.

There was a moment of silence as he watched dark eyes take in his jutted out lips and what he hoped to be huge swimming blue eyes. Sasuke's eyes narrowed and Naruto watched with some amusement as the pale throat worked and the grip around his bicep loosened and fell away completely. He inwardly grinned in triumph. Naruto one, Sasuke zero!

"... Fine," Sasuke growled and sulkily went back to the lounge. "But you breath a word, just one word to _anyone_ you – "

"Yeah yeah." He bounced his way to the couch and flopped back. "So show me!"

_Well aren't we just an eager little pup?_

'Shut up, dirty old Fox!'

_'Dirty old Fox'? Who's the dirty one? Asking the poor Uchiha brat to strip and show you his tattoo._

'He's not going to strip!' Naruto felt his cheeks warm and tried hard to control the incoming blush. 'At most, he'd probably take his shirt off.'

_Aw... only his shirt?_

'Shut up you pervert!'

* * *

Author's note: Okay, I'm so sorry! Cliff-hanger wasn't intentional. By the time I got up to there the muse has once again abandoned me and for the life of me nothing would come out. And making you all wait for ages was... well not appealing. So have a nibble of this and pray like hell I'll be able to get something out soon.


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